


RWBY On the Spot

by Spanky_Merve (Merve2)



Category: On the Spot - Fandom, RWBY
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Humorous Discussion of Sex, Inappropriate Humor, Jokes about Racism, Rooster Teeth - Freeform, pure stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:17:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 53,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7074853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merve2/pseuds/Spanky_Merve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The characters of RWBY play On the Spot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Animal Rights" - Ruby & Yang vs. Weiss & Blake

**Author's Note:**

> This came about because of some goofing around on the RWBY subreddit. Please don't take it seriously.

**Ren:** Our first team is a pair of half-sisters raised in the wilderness of Patch. Legends say that they're one with the Grimm, but really they just eat like slobs. It's Ruby Rose and Yang Xiao Long!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** Our second team is an heiress and a Faunus. The heiress has plans to take over the world someday, while the Faunus just wants to read about it in a book. Either way, they're going to end up fighting to the death in five years' time. It's Weiss Schnee and Blake Belladonna!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** I'myourhostLieRenandwelcometoOntheSpot!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO...-_

_-Ruby and Yang are dancing in their chairs-_

**Ren:** What are you guys doing over there?

 **Yang:** It’s a catchy theme song.

 **Ruby:** Can we just have a dance party instead of playing the games?

 **Yang:** Come on Blake, shake your Bellabooty!

_-Blake blushes-_

**Ren:** None of you can dance as well as I can.

 **Weiss:** Is that a challenge?

 **Ruby:** Ooh, are we having a dance-off?

 **Ren:** No, we are not. How is this show already off-track?

 **Yang:** I don’t know; you’re the host.

 **Ren:** That’s right. _-clears throat-_ Welcome to On the Spot, Beacon’s very own improv game show, this week sponsored by A Simple Wok noodle shop. We’ve got two teams here who will be competing in a series of comedy games, and the one with the highest score at the end gets to take home _-picks up trophy-_ the Golden Glynda.

 **Blake:** I don’t know if I want to touch that trophy. I think it’s been up Cardin’s butt.

 **Yang:** Lots of things have.

 **Ren:** Aaaaanyway, before we get to games, we have a few orders of business to take care of. First, team names. Ruby and Yang, what’s your guys’ team name?

 **Ruby:** Well, my favourite colour is red, and Yang’s is yellow, so together, we’re Strawberry Sunrise.

 **Yang:** Also the name of the best drink on the menu at Junior’s!

 **Ren:** I never imagined you as a cocktail kind of girl. I always pictured you taking shots.

 **Yang:** _-mockingly solemn-_ I contain multitudes.

 **Weiss:** Multitudes of dicks!

 **Ren:** Wow, shots fired!

_-Weiss and Blake high-five-_

**Yang:** _-shrugs-_ She’s not wrong. Weiss, by the way, Neptune and I had a great time together last night.

 **Weiss:** _-flustered-_ Now why would you say… I’m not… Neptune isn’t… Your face is stupid!

 **Yang:** _-grins-_ Nailed it! _-winks at the camera-_

 **Blake:** _-groans-_ Really, a pun?

 **Ren:** First pun of the show confirmed.

 **Ruby:** What pun? I don’t get it.

 **Blake:** You’ll understand when you’re older, Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Come on, just tell me! I’m mature. I drink milk!

 **Weiss:** _-scoffs-_ Really? Milk?

 **Yang:** Here’s a thought: if you met a cow Faunus, could you, like, squeeze her tit and milk her? Like, drink it straight from the udder?

_-audience bursts out laughing-_

**Weiss:** That’s gross! Why would you want to do that?

 **Blake:** The only documented cow Faunus have horns as their animal trait.

 **Weiss:** You do know what human breasts are for, right?

 **Yang:** Obviously! _-gestures to her own chest-_ She’d still have her human breasts. _-gestures to her own stomach-_ But she’d also have, like, four udders on her stomach. And the boobs would make human milk, but the udders would make cow milk.

_-Ren shakes his head-_

**Ruby:** Wait, are you saying that milk is going to start coming out of my chest?

 **Blake:** No, Ruby that’s not-

 **Ruby:** Oh my Gosh that’s awesome! I won’t have to go to the store anymore!

_-Weiss and Blake facepalm-_

**Ren:** We are getting _way_ off track here! We’re supposed to be doing team names! Team names! Alright, so you guys are Strawberry Sunrise. _-turns to Weiss and Blake-_ And you guys are?

 **Weiss:** Well, I wanted to be Team Monochrome, and Blake wanted to be Team Chessboard, so we played Rock Paper Scissors, and _-boastfully-_ well, I won. Blake _always_ plays scissors.

_-Blake shrugs-_

**Ren:** Alright, so you’re Team Monochrome, and on my right, we have Team Strawberry Sunrise.

 **Ruby:** You bet!

 **Ren:** So on to our second order of business. We’re going to be playing a game called Impromptu Pitch later, and for that, we need some help from you guys. What we need you guys to do is to grab your scrolls and log on to RemNet, and send a Blip with a person, a place, and a genre using the hashtag #otsprompt. We’ll use the ones we like and forward the rest to Professor Port so he can have a good chortle.

 **Yang:** I love Professor Port’s laugh. It’s so hearty. It’s like _-deepening her voice-_ Ha. Ha. Ha.

 **Blake:** It’s the chicken pot pie of laughs.

 **Ren:** “The chicken pot pie of laughs”? What’s that supposed to mean?

 **Blake:** I don’t know; like Yang said, he has a hearty laugh.

 **Weiss:** You know, Ren, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh.

 **Ren:** That’s because none of you are funny.

_-audience goes “Ohhhh!”-_

**Ren:** _-gestures to players-_ That shut them up. Well I think it’s time for our first game, Cunning Linguistics!

 _-_ _Cunning Linguistics pops up on screen-_

 **Ren:** Cunning Linguistics is a game where we give each team a word or phrase from HavenLexicon.com. Each team member will have the opportunity to come up with a definition, and if they get it right, then they get points; otherwise, it goes to the other team to come up with a rebuttal definition, and if they get it right, then they get points. If nobody gets it right, then I give points to whichever definition I like best.

 **Weiss:** I’m not comfortable with the arbitrary method by which points are awarded.

 **Ren:** What do you mean?

 **Weiss:** What if you’re wrong about which definition is better?

 **Ren:** It’s whichever definition I like more. It’s about my preferences. I can’t be wrong!

 **Weiss:** I think we should get Professor Ozpin to judge.

 **Ruby:** Doesn’t he have a school to run?

 **Blake:** Well he let this show on the air, so clearly he’s not doing a great job.

_-audience goes “Ohhhh!”-_

**Ren:** You’re shitting all over the show you’re currently on!

 **Yang:** Let’s be honest, Ren. This isn’t a great show.

 **Ren:** How many shows do you host, Yang?

 **Yang:** I host a weekly hair care tutorial on RemTube. I have over 300,000 subscribers!

 **Ruby:** I love your hair, Yang!

 **Yang:** Thanks, little sis.

_-Ruby and Yang hug-_

**Ren:** I hate to break up this sisterly love fest, but we have to get on with the show. Team Strawberry Sunrise, your word is: “Grimm shirt.”

 _-_ _“Grimm shirt” appears on the screen-_

 **Ren:** What do you guys think a Grimm shirt is?

 **Yang:** Do you have a definition, Ruby?

 **Ruby:** You go first, sis.

 **Yang:** Alright, you know when you don’t do laundry for, like, a month and you run out of clothes? So you have to dig back into your hamper to pull out an old shirt, and it’s got that Grimm stank on it. That’s a Grimm shirt.

 **Ren:** Where does the Grimm stank come from?

 **Yang:** Hey, I’m a sweaty lady, Ren. Blake knows. _-winks at Blake-_

_-audience gasps-_

**Blake:** To be clear, she means we spar together.

 **Ruby:** Suuuuure.

_-Blake blushes-_

**Ren:** Okay, that was a pretty good definition. Ruby, can you top that?

 **Ruby:** Sure! A Grimm shirt is a shirt with a picture of a Grimm on it.

 **Ren:** That’s it?

 **Ruby:** Yep!

 **Ren:** Are you sure you’re happy with that definition?

 **Ruby:** Yep!

 **Ren:** You don’t want to change it?

 **Ruby:** Nope! It’s good.

 **Ren:** Alriiiight. I don’t think either of you got it exactly right. Team Monochrome, what’s your rebuttal?

 **Weiss:** I think I got this.

_-Blake nods-_

**Weiss:** Ren, sometimes, after a difficult afternoon of huntressing, when you’ve slayed dozens of Grimm, your outfit is covered in the ooze of those disgusting creatures. Obviously, you can never wear that outfit again. So you take off the shirt you’re wearing, and you give it to one of your servants as a gift. And then the servant says, “Thank you for the Grimm shirt, Miss.”

 **Blake:** Wow, that might be the most 1% thing I’ve heard in my entire life.

 **Weiss:** Don’t resent me for my privilege!

 **Blake:** But you make it so hard not to.

 **Ren:** So a Grimm shirt is just a regular shirt covered in Grimm guts?

 **Weiss:** Precisely.

 **Ren:** But Grimm guts disappear after about thirty seconds! It’s literally impossible to have a Grimm-stained shirt. There’s no need to give the shirt away!

 **Weiss:** It’s not about the cleanliness, Ren; it’s the principle of the matter.

 **Yang:** You’ve got some weird principles.

 **Ruby:** I wish I could stain my battle gear with the blood of the monsters I’ve slain. That would be so badass! _-squee-_

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what the real definition is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “A shirt that you pee on to attract Grimm.”

 **Ruby:** Wait, that’s a thing?

 **Weiss:** Of course it is, you dolt! Didn’t you pay attention in Professor Port’s class?

 **Ruby:** Hey, you didn’t give the right definition either!

 **Weiss:** That’s because the proper term is a “lurine,” a portmanteau of “lure” and “urine.” I’m not familiar with this dreadful Mistralian slang.

 **Ruby:** _-grumbles-_ Whatever.

 **Yang:** Wait a sec. Do you just pee on the shirt and leave it there, or do you actually put it on?

 **Blake:** Just leave it there, I assume.

 **Weiss:** Actually, both have been documented, but wearing the shirt was more popular among researchers of the Grimm. Not for any practical purpose, mind you. Boastful scientists would wear lurines in order to appear braver than their colleagues. In any case, the practice thankfully fell out of fashion once they discovered that loud, low-frequency vibrations did a better job of attracting the Grimm.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ Wow, thanks for the biology lesson.

 **Weiss:** _-not catching Blake’s sarcasm-_ You’re very welcome.

 **Ruby:** How many Grimm shirts do you think Torchwick has in his wardrobe?

 **Blake:** A dozen at least.

 **Ren:** _-muttering-_ It’s like I’m not even here.

 **Yang:** He’s probably on a diet of nothing but asparagus and tap water.

 _-Ruby, Yang, and Blake_ _burst out laughing. Weiss just looks vaguely disgusted.-_

 **Ruby:** Do you think twelve is enough? I mean, pee dries up after a while.

 **Blake:** Maybe he has a rotation of shirts, and when one batch dries up, he pees on the next.

 **Ruby:** But what happens when he runs out of pee?

 **Blake:** He drinks another bottle of water.

 **Yang:** Or, he’s like, “Neo, come here, I’ve got a job for you!” And then she squats on each shirt and does her thing.

 **Ruby:** Or he puts a conveyor belt full of shirts between her legs so she can do it in one continuous stream!

_-Ruby, Yang, and Blake have tears in their eyes from laughing so hard. Weiss continues to look vaguely disgusted, and Ren buries his head in his hands.-_

**Ren:** Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You guys are way over the line!

 **Weiss:** That’s what you get for inviting this bunch of degenerates onto the show. _-gestures to Ruby, Yang, and Blake-_

 **Yang:** I don’t even consider than an insult. If anything, it’s a compliment.

 **Ren:** _-deep sigh-_ Alright, I’m going to give points to Team Strawberry Sunrise for Yang’s definition, because it was the only one that didn’t make me die a little inside.

_-Ruby and Yang cheer-_

**Blake:** Bullshit!

 **Ren:** Two minutes ago you were ragging on your teammate’s definition.

 **Blake:** Yeah, but I still want points!

 **Ren:** Too bad, you’re not getting any now. But maybe you’ll get some with this next word.

_-“Vacuan handjob” appears on the screen-_

**Ren:** “Vacuan handjob.” Let’s see what you can make of that.

 **Blake:** Wait, are we sure this is appropriate for Ruby? She’s kinda young.

 **Ruby:** I know what a handjob is, Blake. I read your favourite book!

 **Weiss:** You let Ruby read that filth?

 **Blake:** Hey, _Ninjas of Love_ is a Mistralian classic!

 **Ren:** Quit stalling. I need a definition!

 **Weiss:** Do you have one, Blake?

 **Blake:** No, I’m blanking. It’s all you.

 **Weiss:** Alright then. _-clears throat-_ Now, I would never do something like this, but some of the more, ahem, _libidinous_ members of our society…

 **Blake:** _-fake cough-_ Taiyang!

 **Weiss:** … may visit a woman of ill repute to satisfy their desires. A _-air quotes-_ “Vacuan handjob” occurs when someone visits such a woman and pays upfront for her services, but then she runs off with the money, so the client never receives what he asked for.

 **Ren:** So there’s no actual handjob?

 **Weiss:** No, just the broken promise of one.

 **Ren:** And where does the “Vacuan” part figure in?

 **Weiss:** Everyone knows Vacuans are untrustworthy. I can easily imagine a Vacuan woman of the night running off with her ill-gotten gains.

 **Yang:** Wow, we just got super-racist here.

 **Blake:** To be fair, putting the “Vacuan” in there kind of invites that type of humour.

 **Yang:** Huh, Blake defending racism. Never thought I’d see the day.

 **Blake:** Hey, anything for points.

 **Ren:** I like that attitude. Five points to Team Monochrome.

_-Blake and Weiss high-five-_

**Yang:** How many points would we get if I took my top off?

 **Ren:** None, because we’d be breaking so many laws.

_-Yang frowns-_

**Blake:** Then this show would get taken off the air, which would be a plus.

 **Ren:** One minute you’re asking for points; the next you want this show to get cancelled. Make up your mind!

 **Blake:** I want to win all the points and then for this show to get cancelled, so I can go out on top.

 **Weiss:** Solid logic.

 **Ren:** Alright, Blake, do you have a definition?

 **Blake:** Yes, I do. I think a Vacuan handjob is a handjob with a little extra spice.

 **Ruby:** What do you mean, “a little extra spice”?

 **Blake:** You know, “spice”! _-wiggles index finger-_

 **Ruby:** _-stares blankly-_ What?

 **Blake:** You know, _-blushing timidly and trailing off-_ when you put a finger in the butthole…

 **Ruby:** Ohhhhh. Yang, do boys like that?

 **Yang:** Of course! Girls too, sometimes.

_-Blake blushes an even deeper shade of red-_

**Ren:** Okay, so we’ve got “no handjob” from Weiss, and “handjob with a little assplay” from Blake. Strawberry Sunrise, do you have a rebuttal?

 **Ruby:** Ooh, I’ve got one! It’s not sexual at all, though.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ Big surprise.

 **Ruby:** So you know how Vacuan boys be all like, at the disco?

_-confused laughter from everyone-_

**Yang:** “At the disco”?

 **Ruby:** Yeah, the disco! Like the place where Junior works.

 **Yang:** I wouldn’t call it that!

 **Ren:** So, what exactly are these Vacuan boys doing “at the disco”?

 **Ruby:** You know, they’re out on the dance floor; they’ve gotta work the handjob. _-makes jerk-off motions alternating between her hands-_

 **Ren:** So it’s a dance move?

 **Ruby:** Yeah, I’m surprised you don’t know it, Ren. In fact, I’m a little disappointed in you.

 **Ren:** I’d rather spend my time learning real dance moves. Alright, can we have the real definition?

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “A handjob using a Faunus tail instead of a hand.”

 **Ruby:** Wouldn’t that make it a tailjob?

 **Yang:** Yeah, I call bullshit on that definition.

 **Ren:** Hey, I don’t write the definitions; I just read them.

 **Blake:** Yeah, but don’t you pick the words? You can choose words without crappy definitions.

 **Weiss:** Trust Mistralians to have nonsensical colloquialisms.

 **Yang:** There we go again with the racism…

 **Weiss:** It’s not racist if it’s true! If I were to say, “Blake really likes tuna,” would that be racist?

 **Blake:** It’s true. I do really like tuna.

 **Yang:** Again, I can’t believe you’re supporting her.

 **Blake:** I’m her teammate. It’s what teammates do.

 **Ren:** I’m enjoying the camaraderie on this side of the stage. Five points to Blake for being a good teammate.

_-Blake raises her arms in triumph-_

**Ruby:** That’s not fair. Yang and I are way more supportive of each other!

 **Ren:** Yes, but you’re sisters, so that’s to be expected.

 **Ruby:** No fair. _-sulks-_

 **Yang:** Hey, if a “Vacuan handjob” is a handjob with a Faunus tail, do you think Sun ever gives them out as favours?

 **Blake:** _-choking on her drink-_ What?

 **Yang:** Like, Team SSSN is relaxing in their dorm room, and Scarlet is like, _-fake British accent-_ “Oi mate, I’d fancy rubbing one out. Could you give me a hand here?” And then Sun’s like, “No, but I could give you a _tail_.” Eh? Eh? Eh?

_-Weiss groans-_

**Yang:** So then Sun takes his tail and he casually wraps it around Scarlet’s dick, and Scarlet’s like, _-fake British accent-_ “Oh, I always enjoy a Vacuan handjob before my tea and crumpets.” And Sun’s so good at it that Scarlet can’t control his ejaculate, so he ends up splooging all over Sage’s stuff. So then Sage walks in and sees that the pages of his notebook are all stuck together, and he’s like, “Shit, not again, guys! Not another fucking Vacuan handjob!”

_-Ruby is laughing hysterically. Blake has an expression on her face midway between arousal and embarrassment.-_

**Weiss:** But Sun’s not gay!

 **Ruby:** It’s not gay if you use your tail!

 **Yang:** Nah, it’s super-gay. Like, _Ninjas of Love_ gay. Isn’t that right, Blake?

_-Blake’s face is crimson-_

**Ren:** Friendly reminder that Beacon accepts students of all genders and sexualities.

 **Yang:** Especially gay men. _-looks directly at camera, licks lips, and winks-_

 **Weiss:** Don’t you have to assign points?

 **Ren:** I would if you guys would shut up for two seconds!

 **Ruby:** Never gonna happen.

 **Ren:** Alright, I’m going to give points to Team Monochrome for Blake’s definition, because it’s the only one that had an actual handjob.

 **Yang:** Butt stuff always wins. _-winks at Blake-_

_-Blake’s face could not possibly get any redder-_

**Ren:** Okay, for our last word, each team only gets one guess.

_-“Digital dunk” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Digital dunk.” Ruby and Yang, what do you think it means?

 **Yang:** Do you have anything, sis?

 **Ruby:** Nah, it’s all you, Yang.

 **Yang:** Alright. I’ve got an answer. I think I’ve experienced the “digital dunk” before.

 **Ren:** You have?

 **Yang:** Yeah. You know how sometimes, you’ve got, like, thirty tabs open on your scroll, and you’re watching some RemTube video on the holo-screen in front of you, and you’ve got headphones on and you’re listening to the latest blU2 album? And then, in that moment, you’re, like, totally overwhelmed by all the data you’re consuming? That’s the digital dunk: being completely overwhelmed by technology.

 **Ruby:** Good answer!

 **Yang:** Thanks, sis.

 **Ren:** So you’re just completely dunked in technology?

 **Yang:** Precisely.

 **Ren:** Alright, that could be it. Blake and Weiss, do you have anything?

 **Blake:** I think I know what it is. A digital dunk is when you take a finger – you know, a “digit” – _-wiggles index finger-_ and… and you… andyoustickitupsomeone’sbutt.

 **Ren:** You what?

 **Blake:** _-takes a deep breath-_ You dunk your finger in someone’s butt.

 **Ruby:** I’m sensing a theme here.

 **Blake:** Apparently fingers in the butt are just what I do now. I’ve decided to own it.

_-audience laughs-_

**Ren:** Five points for owning it.

_-Weiss gives a little clap of joy, while Blake pumps her fist-_

**Ren:** So wait, could it be your own butt, or does it have to be someone else’s?

 **Blake:** Either way.

 **Ren:** And is this something consensual, or is it, like, a horrible prank?

 **Blake:** Either way.

 **Weiss:** It’s a broad definition, Ren.

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what the real definition is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Dropping your scroll in the toilet.” So you essentially dunk your scroll in water.

 **Yang:** That’s, like, my worst nightmare.

 **Weiss:** Really?

 **Yang:** Yeah, every time I have to go number two and I take my scroll in there with me, I instinctively close my legs _-closes legs-_ so that my scroll doesn’t fall between them.

 **Blake:** I won’t even take my scroll with me when I go to the bathroom.

 **Weiss:** Really? You guys are more scared of losing your scroll in the toilet than you are of a giant Ursa or Nevermore?

 **Yang:** I can deal with the Grimm. I can’t deal with a broken scroll. How else am I supposed to send out Blips or check my RemBook?

 **Weiss:** You can just _buy_ a new one.

 **Blake:** _You_ can just buy a new one.

 **Ruby:** Oh snap!

 **Ren:** Alright, I have to assign points. Um, I think I’m going to give points to Yang for that one, because she actually mentioned scrolls in her definition.

 **Blake:** But you gotta admit: mine was pretty bold.

 **Ren:** I already gave you points for it.

 **Blake:** You gave me points for “owning it,” not for the answer itself.

 **Ren:** Minus five points for arguing with me.

 **Blake:** But-

 **Ren:** Do you want to make it ten?

_-Blake sits back in her chair and crosses her arms-_

**Ren:** I didn’t think so. Alright, after all that, let’s find out what points are.

_-score appears on screen-_

**Ren:** 20 to 20. Tie game.

 **Weiss:** All that for a tie?

 **Blake:** Wow, this show is even more pointless than I thought it was.

 **Yang:** You actually thought this show had a point?

 **Blake:** Touché.

 **Ren:** Okay, I have to read a message from our sponsor now.

 **Blake:** Someone is actually sponsoring this train wreck? Why?

 **Ren:** Because people actually watch this for some reason.

 **Weiss:** People need to find better things to do with their time.

 **Ren:** _-sighs, pulls out scroll and begins reading-_ A Simple Wok is your one-stop noodle shop for all your slurping needs. They make over thirty varieties of noodle dishes, so whether you’re in the mood for lo mein, yaki udon, or pad thai, A Simple Wok has something for you. My personal favourite is the spicy hokkien mee, though I’ve tried the bún riêu with crab recently, and it was delicious.

 **Blake:** My favourite is the tuna ramen!

 **Weiss:** We know, Blake.

 **Ren:** Most of their dishes are available for under twenty lien, so you can get a tasty, nutritious meal that won’t break the bank. They’ll have a stand at this year’s Vytal Festival Tournament fairgrounds, which’ll give you the perfect opportunity to stop by and see what all the fuss is about. Also, for our viewers, we have a special coupon; just set your scroll to A Simple Wok’s Remsite, and key in the offer code “ONTHESPOT” to obtain a coupon for 10% off your next meal. (Some restrictions apply.) Do your stomach a favour and get your next meal from A Simple Wok. I guarantee you’ll want to slurp every last noodle from your bowl.

 **Ruby:** Great, now I’m hungry!

 **Yang:** Don’t worry, sis; I’ll take you out for noodles after this. My treat.

 **Blake:** Are you treating us too?

 **Yang:** That depends on what you give me in return. _-winks-_

 **Ren:** Alright, it’s time for our second game, ABCs of Storytelling.

_-ABCs of Storytelling appears on screen-_

**Ren:** ABCs of Storytelling is a game where each team gets a prompt, and the members of the team go back and forth starting each line of dialogue with the next letter of the alphabet. They get points for each letter, and-

 **Ruby:** Ooh, do we get extra points if we make you laugh?

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ No, Ruby, that's not how the game works.

 **Yang:** Well that's dumb. We should get points for everything!

 **Weiss:** Ren, I think you should take points away from them for wasting time with frivolous complaints.

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Team Monochrome for telling me how to do my job.

 **Weiss:** Hmph. _-sulks-_

 **Blake:** So unfair. _-mutters something inaudible about “discrimination” and “Faunus rights”-_

 **Ren:** Alright, Team – What was it again? Enabler?

 **Ruby:** No, that was our old team name. We changed it to Strawberry Sunrise before the show!

 **Yang:** Much friendlier.

 **Ren:** Alright, Team Strawberry Sunrise, here’s your prompt.

_-prompt appears on the screen-_

**Ren:** Ooh, this one’s got a crackship! Ruby, you are Professor Ozpin, planning to propose to your girlfriend of seven years, Salem, played by Yang. However, Salem is planning to break up with Ozpin because she’s afraid he’ll get in the way of her plan to take over the world.

 **Yang:** Sounds doable.

 **Ren:** Alright, your starting letter is… F! Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Ruby. Go!

_-ding-_

**RubyOzpin:** For all the time I’ve spent with you, Salem my dear, I’m eternally grateful.

 **YangSalem:** Good to know. _-mimes absentmindedly filing her nails-_

 **RubyOzpin:** How about we take our relationship to the next level?

 **YangSalem:** I don’t see how that’s possible.

 **RubyOzpin:** Just listen for a second. What if we got married?

 **YangSalem:** Kidding. You’ve got to be kidding.

 **RubyOzpin:** Um… uh… um…

 **Ren:** 30 seconds left.

 **RubyOzpin:** Uh… Lemons are sour.

_-Ren, Weiss, and Blake burst out laughing-_

**YangSalem:** Must be having a stroke right now!

 **RubyOzpin:** Nope, let’s get married!

 **YangSalem:** Oh no, we’re not doing that.

 **RubyOzpin:** Why not?

 **Ren:** Nope, wrong letter.

 **Ruby:** Wait, what comes after O?

 **Yang:** P! P!

 **Ruby:** Hehe. Peepee.

 **Ren:** 10 seconds left.

 **Yang:** Come on!

 **RubyOzpin:** Uh… Please tell me why.

 **YangSalem:** Quit being so suffocating!

 **RubyOzpin:** Uh… uh… Oh no, I’m blanking… Uh… Rose petals for all!

 **YangSalem:** StupidbastardthisiswhyI’mbreakingupwithyou!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Alright, that’s time!

 **Weiss:** _-laughing-_ “Lemons are sour”?

 **Ruby:** Well, lemons _are_ sour!

 **Ren:** Yes, but in context, how does that- You know what, I’m not even going to bother.

 **Blake:** They never even got to the world domination!

 **Weiss:** Oh, we’ve got this one in the bag.

 **Yang:** Is that the same bag we let Blake out of?

 **Blake:** Wait, what? _-pause-_ Oh. _-grumbles-_ Because you let the cat out of the bag.

 **Yang:** Bingo!

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Team Strawberry Sunrise for that terrible pun.

 **Yang:** Aw, but it was funny!

 **Ren:** And kinda racist!

 **Ruby:** But more importantly, funny.

 **Yang:** On the Spot: Beacon’s best source for casual racism!

_-Ruby and Yang give a thumbs-up-_

**Ren:** _-facepalming-_ Why did I agree to host this fucking show?

 **Blake:** Nobody knows, Ren. Nobody knows.

 **Ren:** Like five minutes ago, Yang was mad because of your racist jokes, and now she’s making them herself! Just… just… forget about it. _-deep sigh-_ Okay, Team Monochrome, it’s time for your scenario.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Weiss, you are a twelve-year-old girl who has just discovered her semblance, so you go to your mother, Blake, for guidance about your newfound abilities. However, Blake mistakenly thinks that Weiss is talking about the changes in her body resulting from puberty. Let’s see what your starting letter is… T! Remember, you’re allowed to skip X and Z, but you get bonus points if you use them. Sixty seconds on the clock, ready, set, go!

 **Weiss:** There’s something I need to talk to you about, mother.

 **Blake:** Understandable. You’re at that age. And call me “mom.”

 **Weiss:** Very well, _mom_. I’ve noticed some changes recently… changes in my body.

 **Blake:** Where’s the new hair?

 **Weiss:** You’re asking me about hair?

 **Blake:** Any in your armpits?

 **Weiss:** Blake, please, that’s not what I meant by “changes.”

 **Blake:** Call me “mom.”

 **Weiss:** Damn it, mom, I’m trying to tell you about my new powers!

 **Blake:** Exactly. You now have the power to bear children.

 **Weiss:** For Dust’s sake, mom, I have glyphs!

 **Blake:** Glyphs?

 **Weiss:** How do I explain this to you?

 **Blake:** I thought you had gotten your first period.

 **Weiss:** Just why would you think that?

 **Blake:** Kids grow up so fast these days.

 **Ren:** 10 seconds left.

 **Weiss:** Let… Let me show you my semblance.

 **Blake:** Maybe not now-

_-Blake is interrupted by Weiss casting a glyph under Ren’s chair. Ren goes flying.-_

**Yang:** Holy crap.

_-Ren lands in the audience as the buzzer goes off.-_

**Ruby:** Are you alright, Ren?

_-Ren dusts himself off and walks wordlessly back to his chair, fuming.-_

**Weiss:** Wow, that was by far the most effective anti-gravity glyph I’ve ever cast!

 **Ruby:** Your sister would be so proud!

 **Weiss:** Winter would indeed be proud of my accomplishment.

 **Blake:** Ren, are you going to say anything?

 **Ren:** _-very long pause-_ No more semblances. But five points to Weiss for good technique.

 **Weiss:** Thank you. _-curtsies-_

 **Yang:** What? She threw you across the room! I would have given her minus fifty for that.

 **Weiss:** Yang!

 **Ren:** _-to Yang-_ Do you want minus fifty points?

 **Yang:** No, but I’d like a motorcycle and a new scroll.

 **Ruby:** While we’re asking for things, could I get an ice cream sundae, please?

 **Yang:** Ooh, I could really go for some cherry pie à la mode.

 **Blake:** Brownie à la mode for me.

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Pancakes!!!

 **Weiss:** Well I need to watch my figure, so I’m getting a pineapple smoothie.

 **Ren:** You realize all this food is imaginary, right?

 **Ruby:** A girl can dream, Ren!

 **Ren:** Alright, after all that nonsense, let’s find out what points are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 29 points for Strawberry Sunrise, and 38 points for Monochrome.

 **Blake:** This is a pretty low-scoring game.

 **Yang:** That’s because Ren keeps taking points away from us.

 **Ruby:** You need to learn to give, Ren.

 **Ren:** I’d like to think that I’m sufficiently generous.

 **Yang:** Really? When was the last time you gave us anything?

 **Ren:** I made pancakes for all of you last week!

 **Yang:** Yeah, but that was last week. What have you done for us this week?

 **Ren:** I hosted this show!

 **Blake:** That’s hardly a favour.

 **Ren:** It’s a graduation requirement.

 **Weiss:** I’m still having trouble believing that. Is Professor Ozpin in his right mind?

 **Ruby:** Of course he is! He’s Professor Ozpin. He would never do anything crazy like keeping the Fall Maiden on life support in a bunker underneath the school in preparation for transferring her powers to Pyrrha. He’s our wise and fearless headmaster!

 **Blake:** What was that about the Fall Maiden?

 **Ruby:** I said she’s obviously not two hundred feet below Beacon right now. That would be ridiculous. Right, guys?

_-silence-_

_-a tumbleweed floats across the stage-_

**Ren:** Alright, Team Strawberry Sunrise, you’re trailing by nine points. It’s time for your Redemption Challenge.

 **Ruby:** Are you making us eat something gross like crickets?

 **Ren:** I’m going to make you eat _something_.

 **Yang:** I don’t like the sound of that.

 **Ren:** So, the both of you grew up on Patch, correct?

 **Ruby:** Yep!

 **Ren:** And what was your favourite food to eat there?

 **Ruby:** Ooh, my dad makes the best spaghetti and meatballs in Remnant. He says it goes really well with Southern Valian wine, and every time he says that, he winks. _-winks exaggeratedly-_

 **Blake:** Well now we know Taiyang’s secret.

 **Ruby:** But me, I would drink milk with my dad’s spaghetti. Deeeelicious!

 **Ren:** And how did you feel about eating more _local_ food?

 **Ruby:** Fine, I guess.

 **Ren:** Even Patchian croquettes?

_-The colour drains from Ruby’s face. Yang’s expression is blank.-_

**Ren:** Dried, salted sardines, deep fried with cream cheese and cupcake batter.

 **Ruby:** No, anything but those!

 **Ren:** We have ten croquettes for you.

_-Pyrrha brings out a tray of croquettes-_

**Ren:** Thank you, Pyrrha. I’ll give you one point for each croquette you eat, and you’ll have sixty seconds on the clock. Ruby, you can’t use your semblance.

 **Ruby:** Darn it. The faster it goes down, the less you taste.

 **Yang:** We can do it, sis.

 **Ruby:** Ren, I should point out that while I’m _from_ Patch, I don’t see myself as a Patchian. I’m more of a citizen of the world, to tell you the truth.

 **Weiss:** You should really be more patriotic.

 **Ruby:** Patriotism was what caused the Great War, Weiss. We can’t afford to go down that path again!

 **Weiss:** Oh, _now_ you take an interest in history.

 **Ruby:** I, for one, will not stand for such chauvinism! I reject the notion of borders. We are one nation under Dust, united against the forces of evil that threaten our way of life. For that reason, I cannot in good conscience eat-

_-Yang picks up the tray of croquettes-_

**Ruby:** Yang, what are you doing?

 **Yang:** Quick, punch me in the stomach.

 **Ruby:** What? Why?

 **Yang:** Just do it, sis.

 **Ruby:** Alright. _-punches Yang in the gut-_

 **Yang:** Oof. _-activates her semblance-_ Okay, here we go. _-dumps the entire tray of croquettes into her mouth and swallows without even chewing-_

 **Ruby:** Sis, are you okay?

_-Yang’s expression is blank-_

**Ruby:** Yang?

_-Yang lets out an enormous burp, emitting a fireball in the process. The fireball singes the curtains on the set.-_

**Ruby:** Yang… That. Was. AWESOME! _-squee-_

 **Yang:** Thanks! _-thumbs up-_

 **Weiss:** No fair! She used her semblance!

 **Ruby:** Ren just said I couldn’t use _my_ semblance. He never said anything about Yang’s.

 **Weiss:** Ren?

 **Ren:** That’s ten points for Strawberry Sunrise.

 **Blake:** Bullshit!

_-Ruby sticks her tongue out at Weiss and Blake-_

**Blake:** I would have eaten the croquettes. I actually like them!

 **Yang:** You just like sardines.

 **Weiss:** Ren, what would you have made us eat if we had been trailing? Not that that would have been likely.

 **Ren:** _-shrugs-_ I’m not telling you.

 **Weiss:** Why not?

 **Ren:** What if I want to save it for another episode?

 **Blake:** As if there’s going to be another episode.

 **Weiss:** I’m starting to suspect this show is rigged.

 **Yang:** If that’s true, it’s rigged in your favour. We had to do the Redemption Challenge!

 **Weiss:** But now you’re ahead by a point!

 **Ren:** Is that true? Let’s check the scores.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 39 for Strawberry Sunrise, and 38 for Monochrome.

 **Weiss:** See? Rigged!

 **Ren:** It’s not rigged. You’re just both roughly equally terrible.

 **Weiss:** You’re keeping the scores in close proximity to keep the audience interested!

 **Blake:** It’s not like they have much else to get excited about.

 **Weiss:** Do you know what this reminds me of? The election between Donald Plum and Hillary Crimson. The media would have you believe that the polls are close, but anyone with a modicum of intelligence can see that Plum is the first choice of the majority of Atlesians. The media merely pretend it’s an actual competition to keep the populace watching their news reports.

 **Blake:** Hold on. You’re a Plum supporter?

 **Weiss:** Of course. He pledges to make Atlas great again! He’ll keep the riffraff off our streets and send them back to wherever they came from.

 **Blake:** How are we still friends?

 **Yang:** Hasn’t he also pledged to bomb Menagerie?

 **Ruby:** That doesn’t make any sense! Nobody lives there anymore.

 **Weiss:** Sometimes a show of military force is necessary to keep the populace in check. Otherwise, Atlas would devolve into a cesspit of crime and vice.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ If they want to scare the populace, why not just execute petty criminals or shoot small-time thieves in the street?

 **Weiss:** _-not catching the sarcasm-_ Blake, that’s a fantastic idea! I’ll tell my father so that he can suggest it at the next Plum campaign meeting.

 **Blake:** That’s not what-

 **Ren:** _-interrupting-_ As interesting as this political digression is, it’s time for our final game, Impromptu Pitch.

_-Impromptu Pitch appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Impromptu Pitch is- Hey, where did the Golden Glynda go?

_-Ruby holds out the statuette-_

**Ren:** _-sigh-_ Why did you take it, Ruby?

 **Ruby:** It was shiny!

 **Ren:** Give it back.

 **Ruby:** _-sigh-_ Fine. _-sheepishly hands it back-_

 **Ren:** As I was saying, Impromptu Pitch is a game where each team gets a prompt that we pull from RemNet with a person, place, and genre. They’re going to get sixty seconds to pitch their film idea, using those prompts, to me, the big studio exec. They’re going to deliver their pitch one teammate at a time, going back and forth, and I’ll call out when they switch.

 **Weiss:** What qualifies you to evaluate film pitches, exactly?

 **Ren:** I have an extensive knowledge of classic Patchian independent cinema.

 **Ruby:** In other words, you like boring old movies with subtitles.

 **Ren:** Well what kinds of movies do you like?

 **Ruby:** Ones with lots and lots of explosions!

 **Blake:** I like romantic dramas.

 **Weiss:** Documentaries.

 **Yang:** Ehh, I don’t really watch movies. I’d rather live my life like one.

 **Blake:** What do you mean?

 **Yang:** Y’know, riding motorcycles, slaying Grimm, making out with cute boys and even cuter Faunus girls. _-winks at Blake-_

 **Ruby:** Ooh, that sounds fun! Can I join you?

 **Yang:** Sure, sis! Let’s go right now. _-gets up-_

_-Ruby follows her-_

**Ren:** Where do you think you’re going?

 **Ruby:** On an adventure!

 **Ren:** Can’t it wait until after the show?

 **Yang:** No, not really.

 **Ren:** Need I remind you that this is a graduation requirement?

 **Ruby:** Ugh. Fine.

_-Ruby and Yang sit back down-_

**Ren:** Hey, where did the Golden Glynda go?

 **Ruby:** Don’t look at me! I didn’t take it.

 **Ren:** In that case, it must be the cat burglar. _-glares at Blake-_

 **Blake:** Excuse me? That’s discrimination!

 **Ren:** Did you or did you not take the trophy?

 **Blake:** Well yeah, but you didn’t have to accuse me right away! _-hands back the statuette-_

 **Ren:** Okay, we started with Team Strawberry Sunrise for the first two games. Let’s start with Team Monochrome for this one just to switch things up.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from @CardinW. Spruce Willis, pre-War Menagerie, and the genre is propaganda film.

_-audience goes “Oooooh!”-_

**Blake:** Calm down, guys. I can take it. I’m a big girl.

 **Yang:** Oh you can definitely take it. _-winks at Blake-_

 **Ren:** Alright, sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Weiss. Ready, set, go!

 **Weiss:** Coming to you this summer, from acclaimed director Lila Riefenstahl, comes a film starring Spruce Willis as an ordinary zookeeper at Menagerie, making sure that the Faunus remain in their cages after dark.

_-audience boos-_

**Weiss:** But then he discovered that-

 **Ren:** Blake.

 **Blake:** That he had left one of the cages unlocked, and so a bunch of rhino Faunus get out and beat the shit out of him, and he dies.

 **Ren:** Weiss.

 **Weiss:** But then his twin brother, also played by Spruce Willis, comes to work at Menagerie, and in the eulogy at his brother’s funeral, he rallies the troops to rise up and fight against the Faunus menace, and he-

 **Ren:** Blake.

 **Blake:** Gets shot because nobody likes him. So then a little cat Faunus girl gets up on a podium and starts to make a speech. And it’s such a beautiful speech. Everybody’s listening to her pour her heart out-

 **Ren:** Weiss.

 **Weiss:** About how she belongs in an electrified enclosure, just like the rest of the Faunus riffraff. Then, Spruce Willis also makes a speech, and he says of the Faunus, “They’ve got drugs, they’ve got crime, they’re rapists-”

 **Ren:** Blake.

 **Blake:** “Actually, I’m describing myself. Also, I have a small dick and I look at kiddy porn.” Then, Spruce Willis is placed under citizens’ arrest _by the people_ , and Menagerie is transformed into a collectivist utopia run by the Faunus, led by the cat Faunus girl, who is now a fully-grown woman-

 **Ren:** Weiss.

 **Weiss:** Who has cervical cancer from sleeping with too many filthy Faunus boys. So she dies andthemovieendswithSpruceWillisdancingonhergrave.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** That’s time!

_-audience is eerily silent-_

**Ruby:** Wow, you two were really not on the same page with that one.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ You think?

 **Ren:** What’s this movie called?

 **Blake:** Animal Rights.

 **Weiss:** Yes, with “Rights” in quotes.

 **Blake:** No, with “Animal” in quotes.

 **Weiss:** No, “Rights.”

 **Blake:** No, “Animal”!

 **Weiss:** “Rights”!

 **Blake:** “Animal”!

 **Weiss:** “Rights”!

 **Blake:** “Animal”!

 **Weiss:** “Rights”!

 **Blake:** “Animal”!

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Pancakes!

 **Ren:** As stimulating and intellectual as this back-and-forth is, it’s time to move on to Strawberry Sunrise’s prompt.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from @GoodwitchBadwitch. Professor Oobleck, Beacon, romantic comedy. A romantic comedy starring Professor Oobleck, set at Beacon. Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Yang, and go!

 **Yang:** Professor Oobleck is a forty-year-old virgin.

_-audience laughs-_

**Yang:**   Because he’s spent all his life pursuing his one true love-

 **Ren:** Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Books!

_-Blake’s cat ears twitch-_

**Ruby:** Oobleck is obsessed with books. When he’s not teaching or drinking coffee, he’s reading books. Books of all shapes and sizes about all sorts of topics.

 **Ren:** Yang.

 **Yang:** What most people don’t know about him, though, is that he’s actually sexually attracted to books. He’s a _literal_ bibliophile.

_-Blake has a slightly disgusted expression on her face-_

**Yang:** But one day when Ozpin catches him rubbing his junk all over a textbook, he forces him to go to therapy, where he meets-

 **Ren:** Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Where he meets a cute therapist played by, uh, Lisa Lavender! Yeah, Lisa Lavender! But she can’t date him because he’s her patient. So they just kinda quietly pine for each other and it’s really sad, and… _-tears up a little bit-_

 **Weiss:** Isn’t this supposed to be a romcom?

 **Ren:** Yang.

 **Yang:** It turns out that Lisa Lavender is also sexually attracted to books. So instead of treating Oobleck, she’s actually been subtly making his attraction to books even stronger so she can finally take him to her book dungeon.

 **Ren:** Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Where they read lots and lots of books together and live happily ever after! The end.

 **Ren:** Yang.

 **Yang:** And Oobleck has a fat Faunus sidekick played by Josh Plaid because it’s a romcom!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Alright, your time’s up.

 **Blake:** I’m never letting either of you anywhere near my library again.

 **Yang:** _-shrugs-_ No loss. I prefer to get my smut directly from RemNet.

_-Blake’s face turns crimson-_

**Ruby:** Speaking of smut, I was trying to tell a nice little story about books, and then you had to go and make it all filthy! _-points at Yang-_

 **Yang:** Sex sells, Ruby. Why do you think everyone went to see Wheat Ledger in _Brokeblack Mountain_?

 **Ruby:** I don’t know. Because it had a touching love story?

 **Yang:** No, because it had a full-frontal shot of his floppy schlong!

 **Blake:** It wasn’t just hanging there. He spun it around like a record.

 **Ruby:** I don’t remember that! _-pause-_ Wait, is that why Dad covered my eyes for five minutes in the middle of the movie?

 **Yang:** Bingo.

 **Ruby:** Well, I don’t believe you. We watched that movie _last year_. I was fourteen! Dad wouldn’t shelter me at that age.

 **Ren:** She’s not lying. It’s a very famous scene, Ruby.

 **Weiss:** He displayed remarkable genital dexterity.

_-Blake purrs just thinking about it-_

**Ruby:** Fine then. Prove it.

 **Yang:** Sure. Let me just pull the scene up. _-takes scroll out of pocket-_

 **Ren:** What are you doing?

 **Yang:** Showing her the scene.

 **Ren:** You can’t do that!

 **Yang:** Why not?

 **Ren:** You can’t show pornography on an official Beacon game show!

 **Blake:** It’s not pornography, Ren; it’s _art_.

_-Yang pulls the scene up on her scroll and hands it to Ruby. Ruby stares at it for thirty seconds, her eyes growing progressively wider.-_

**Yang:** How are you liking it, sis?

 **Ruby:** It’s mesmerizing!

 **Yang:** Can I have my scroll back now?

 **Ruby:** No. Shut up.

 **Yang:** You can watch the rest after the show.

 **Ruby:** Ugh. Fine. _-hands the scroll back to Yang-_ So… this is what 50% of RemNet traffic is for?

 **Ren:** Can we get back to-

 **Weiss:** Unfortunately, yes. 50% of history’s greatest communication network is wasted on poisoning the minds of our society.

 **Blake:** I walked in on you watching a video called _Special Snowflakes_ last night.

 **Weiss:** _-somehow managing to turn even redder than Blake did earlier-_ That was for research!

 **Ren:** We really need to get back to-

 **Ruby:** So what else is out there? It can’t all be Wheat Ledger’s… uh… thingy.

 **Yang:** Well, let’s see… There’s solo, boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl, threesome, foursome, fivesome, orgy, Human on Faunus, Faunus on Faunus, Human dressed up as Faunus... What else?

 **Ren:** Can we please-

 **Yang:** Oh, sexy Semblance, sexy Maiden, sexy Huntsman, sexy Huntress, sexy Shopkeep – that’s a category all to itself – outdoor, indoor, between doors, dirty talk, dirty Maiden, flirty Maiden, slutty Maiden, Patch on Vale, Vale on Mistral, Vale on Vacuo, Vale on Atlas, Atlas on Vacuo, Atlas on Mistral – but not Mistral on Vacuo; that’s not a thing for some reason – uh, Mech on Human, Mech on Faunus, Mech on Mech, bubblegum, shower, massage, leather and whips, strawberries and cream, mouth stuff, butt stuff, hand stuff, foot stuff, roleplay, CGI, VR, holograms, punishment, teacher and student, Free Play, Social Disorder, double stuffing, wizards, weapons, watersports, aaaaand horseback.

_-Ren breathes a sigh of relief-_

**Yang:** And then there’s the harder stuff…

_-Ren buries his head in his hands-_

**Yang:** You’ve got double penetration, triple penetration, quadruple penetration, Aura penetration, Dust-enhanced, erotic Semblance – which is very different from sexy Semblance – White Fang massacre, Grimmbang-

 **Ren:** _-bellowing-_ Stop it! Stop it! Just stop! This is a game show! My game show! And you’re ruining it!

 **Blake:** Look on the bright side, Ren. Professor Ozpin definitely can’t keep us on the air after that.

 **Ren:** _-shakes his head, sighs-_ Points go to Strawberry Sunrise.

 **Ruby:** Yay! _-pause-_ Wait, for what? _-pause-_ Oh that’s right, we just played a game! _-high-fives Yang-_

 **Ren:** And final scores are…

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 89 points for Strawberry Sunrise, 38 points for Monochrome. That means that Ruby and Yang win the Golden Glynda.

 **Yang:** Awesome!

 **Ruby:** We did it, sis!

 **Weiss:** _-to Blake-_ We’ll train hard and beat them next time, Blake.

 **Blake:** Whatever. I’m going to go read a book. _-gets up to leave-_

 **Weiss:** Are you sure you’re not going to go take a _catnap_?

_-Blake flips the bird at Weiss as she leaves the stage-_

**Yang:** No. Just no.

 **Weiss:** What? But you do it!

 **Yang:** There’s a time and a place for jokes.

 **Weiss:** But this is _On the Spot_. This is definitely it!

 **Yang:** Yeah, but it just wasn’t very good.

 **Ruby:** Speaking of not very good, who’s going to be on this show next week?

 **Ren:** I don’t know. Hopefully not you guys.

 **Weiss:** Well that’s rude.

 **Ren:** I want to thank A Simple Wok for sponsoring this episode. Tune in next week for more wacky improv games. I’m so, so sorry, Professor Ozpin. Good night! _-breathes a deep sigh-_

 **Yang:** You look like you could use a hug, Ren.

 **Ren:** No, I’m-

_-Yang traps Ren in a bone-crushing hug-_

**Ren:** _-croaking-_ Kill me.

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO...-_


	2. "English Hates Women" - Ruby & Nora vs. Sun & Jaune

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one somehow ended up being even more inappropriate than the first. I'm not sure how that's possible.

**Ren:** My first team tonight is a pair of noble crusaders on a quest to find the most delicious treats in all of Remnant. One of them slayed the dreaded Cookie Monster, but the other prefers pancakes to puppetry. They’re eating everything in sight; it’s Ruby Rose and Nora Valkyrie!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** My second team tonight is an unlikely pair. One of them has been the top hottie on FabFaunus.com for three years running, and the other has officially been dubbed “Sir Dork-a-Lot” by the mayor of his hometown. Funnily enough, though, it’s the latter who’s managed the steal the heart of a world-famous cereal mascot.

 **Jaune:** Steal the heart of who now?

 **Ren:** It’s Sun Wukong and Jaune Arc!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** I’myourhostLieRenandwelcometoOntheSpot!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO...-_

**Ruby:** I really liked your intro this week, Ren.

 **Nora:** Yeah, you made us sound like real badasses!

 **Ruby:** Just one question: what does the Cookie Monster look like?

 **Ren:** Well he’s blue and fuzzy and-

 **Nora:** Blue and fuzzy? That’s ridiculous!

 **Sun:** Yeah, sounds like bullshit to me.

 **Jaune:** I was picturing a life-sized gingerbread man.

 **Ren:** Aaaanyway, welcome to On the Spot, Beacon’s official improv game show, this week brought to you by From Dust Till Dawn. Let’s meet our teams, shall we? We’ll start over here on my right. Ladies, what’s your team name?

 **Nora:** Well, Ren, we thought loooong and haaaard about this. I like pancakes…

 **Ruby:** …and I like cookies.

 **Nora:** And we both like chocolate and ice cream and cotton candy and milkshakes and fudge and birthday cake and apple pie-

 **Ren:** I get the idea, Nora.

 **Nora:** So we’re…

 **Ruby and Nora:** _-in unison-_ …Team Sugar Rush!!! Woohoo!!!

 **Ren:** Very fitting. I like it. Alright, if you want to send encouragement to this team, use the hashtag #SugarRush. Sun and Jaune, what’s your team name?

 **Jaune:** _-crossing his arms in an attempt to look cool-_ The name’s Blond. Team Blond.

 **Sun:** Yeah, we’re Team Blond.

 **Nora:** Because you’re both blond?

 **Jaune:** Yup. Clever, right?

 **Nora:** That’s not clever at all! It’s just your hair colour.

 **Ren:** I expect my guests to try a little harder than that.

 **Jaune:** Hey, you’re not the one playing the games. This is hard work!

 **Ren:** We haven’t even started yet!

 **Sun:** Shit, I just realized we could have been Team Johnson. Like Team Jaune-Sun? Johnson? _-gestures to his crotch-_ We were one step away from a good dick joke!

 **Ren:** I like to think that we’re a tad more sophisticated than penis humour here.

 **Ruby:** We’re really not.

 **Ren:** So are you going with Team Johnson or Team Blond?

 **Sun:** Team Blond.

 **Ren:** Alright, you can send Blips to Team Blond with the hashtag #Blond.

 **Ruby:** That’s a pretty generic hashtag, guys.

 **Jaune:** Permission to change our name to Team Ruby Is a Jerk?

 **Ren:** Denied.

 **Jaune:** Awww.

 **Ren:** Okay, we’re not playing Impromptu Pitch this week, so we don’t need any prompts from RemNet and we can move directly to-

 **Nora:** What are we playing for?

 **Ren:** I’m glad you reminded me, Nora. _-pulls out statuette-_ The Golden Glynda.

 **Nora:** Ooh, it’s so shiny and pretty! _-pokes the statuette’s nose-_ Boop! _-giggles-_

 **Ruby:** Yeah, and unlike the real Glynda, it doesn’t yell at you when you mess something up.

 **Sun:** But just like the real Glynda, it’s been rubbed on lots of dudes’ junk.

_-audience goes “Ohhhh!”-_

**Sun:** Hey, I’m not a student here; I can say whatever the hell I want!

 **Ren:** I’m not sure Professor Goodwitch would agree with that.

 **Sun:** Pfft. Whatever. _-shrugs-_

 **Ren:** Alright, it’s time for our first game, Giving Headlines.

_-“Giving Headlines” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Giving Headlines is a game where before the show, Professor Port forced Cardin and Russell to spend their detention searching for the wackiest headlines they could find on RemNet. I removed a word or two from each headline, and your job is to fill in the blanks. You’ll each get a turn to guess, and if you get it right, you’ll get points for your team. If nobody gets it right, then I’ll give points for whichever answer I find cleverest. Sound good?

 **Nora:** Let’s do this! _-picks up Magnhild-_

 **Jaune:** I still can’t believe they let you bring your weapon on the show.

_-Nora shrugs and giggles-_

**Ren:** Let’s see what the first headline is.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Vacuo man finds thirty-year-old _____ at the bottom of his sock drawer.” Let’s start with Ruby. What do you think he found at the bottom of his sock drawer?

 **Ruby:** I’m going to say it’s a letter.

 **Ren:** A letter from whom?

 **Ruby:** A letter from his mom, who died a long time ago… saying how much she loved her special little guy… _-a single tear falls down Ruby’s cheek-_

 **Sun:** Jeez, find somewhere else to work out your emotional issues.

_-The audience boos. Nora rubs Ruby’s back while glaring at Sun.-_

**Jaune:** Come on, man, Ren’s going to take points away from us if you’re a dick.

 **Sun:** Hey, you don’t hear me whining about my dead mom.

 **Jaune:** That’s because your mom’s still alive!

 **Ren:** Alright, Ruby, that’s one possibility. Sun, I’m going to go to you next. You’re a Vacuo boy. You should be at an advantage here.

 **Sun:** Okay, I think I got this. You know, Vacuo’s a pretty peaceful place, but we’ve got our fair share of fucked-up shit. So I’m going to say it’s a corpse.

 **Jaune:** Dude!

 **Nora:** Wait, is that the corpse of a thirty-year-old, a corpse that’s been dead for thirty years?

 **Sun:** It’s both. She died thirty years ago at age 30.

 **Jaune:** So there’s no way it could be your mom, Ruby!

_-audience boos-_

**Jaune:** What? I was trying to be helpful!

_-audience boos louder-_

**Ren:** You know what? Five points to Team Blond to make up for all the booing.

_-audience starts booing Ren-_

**Ren:** If you keep jeering at me, I’ll make you come on this show.

_-audience goes silent-_

**Ren:** Okay Sun, I have to ask: whose corpse is it?

 **Sun:** I don’t know. Nobody knows. That’s why it’s a news story.

 **Nora:** Ooh, spooky!

 **Jaune:** How would you fit the corpse in the drawer?

 **Sun:** _-annoyed-_ Shit, I don’t know. Quit bagging on your teammate’s answer!

 **Jaune:** Oh God, is this, like, a dead baby? _-puts his hand over his mouth-_

 **Nora:** Eww, that’s gross!

 **Ruby:** Nah, I think it’s an adult’s corpse. Sun said it was the body of a thirty-year-old.

 **Jaune:** Then how did it fit inside the drawer?

 **Ruby:** The same way I fit Crescent Rose on my back. _-gestures to the weapon on her back-_

 **Jaune:** Again with the weapons…

 **Ren:** Human bodies aren’t retractable, Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Well they should be!

 **Sun:** I think they’re working on that in Atlas right now.

 **Nora:** I heard General Ironwood can fold himself like a bedsheet!

 **Ren:** I don’t think that’s true, Nora.

 **Nora:** Well it should be!

 **Ren:** Okay, so we’ve got one word from Team Sugar Rush, and one word from Team Blond. Team Sugar Rush, back to you. Nora, what do you think was at the bottom of the sock drawer?

 **Nora:** _-without hesitation-_ Pancakes!

 **Ren:** Really, pancakes?

 **Nora:** Yeah! They were all green and moldy but he ate them anyway and they were deeeelicious!

 **Ren:** So the story’s about food poisoning?

 **Nora:** No, the story’s about pancakes! Try to keep up, Ren.

 **Ren:** Alright Jaune, it’s your turn.

 **Jaune:** Uh… I don’t know… Uh… Um…

 **Ren:** I need an answer, Jaune.

 **Jaune:** _-annoyed-_ It’s hard being put on the spot, okay? Uh… Sand. There was sand at the bottom of the drawer.

 **Sun:** Sand?

 **Jaune:** Well there’s a lot of sand in Vacuo!

 **Sun:** Believe me, I know! But there’s nothing impressive about thirty-year-old sand. That’s, like, really young sand.

 **Jaune:** Maybe it was a slow news day.

 **Sun:** A _really_ slow news day.

 **Jaune:** Yeah well at least I’m not talking about Ruby’s dead mom!

_-Ren and Nora facepalm. Ruby’s expression is blank.-_

**Sun:** _-cheekily-_ Can we change our team name to Team Ruby’s Dead Mom?

_-audience boos-_

**Ren:** Absolutely not.

 **Sun:** Aw, you’re no fun.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what the actual headline is.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Vacuo man finds thirty-year-old  sandwich at the bottom of his sock drawer.”

 **Sun:** That’s it?

 **Ren:** _-pulls out scroll-_ Apparently the story is that there were some Ice Dust crystals next to the sandwich, and the socks formed a protective cocoon around them, so the sandwich was remarkably well-preserved.

 **Ruby:** Did he eat the sandwich?

 **Ren:** _-looking at scroll-_ It says here that he did not. He sent it to an Atlesian lab for further study.

 **Ruby:** Ooh, neat. I wonder if they’ll turn it into a weapon.

 **Nora:** That would be amazing! Wouldn’t that be the most amazing thing in the world?

 **Ruby:** I know! _-squee-_

 **Ren:** So I’m going to give points for Nora’s answer, because she’s the only one who suggested something edible.

 **Sun:** Hey, corpses are edible!

 **Ren:** _On the Spot_ does not endorse cannibalism…

 **Sun:** I mean, you can eat out a corpse.

 **Ren:** …Or necrophilia.

 **Sun:** Hey, Summer Rose was a total MILF. I’d eat out her corpse.

_-everyone facepalms-_

**Sun:** Hey Ruby, how many guys do you think ate your mom out back in the day?

 **Ruby:** How would I know?

 **Ren:** Really not an appropriate line of questioning, Sun.

 **Jaune:** You might want to reconsider what you said. I mean, the corpse was found in Vacuo, right? Wouldn’t she be, like, all sandy down there?

 **Sun:** So? I’d still do it. What can I say? I love that sandy puss, man. I’m all about it!

_-audience groans-_

**Sun:** I was complimenting her! I said I love sandy puss!

 **Nora:** Damn, she sandy!

_-audience laughs-_

**Ruby:** Nora!

 **Nora:** Sorry, I saw an opportunity, and I just had to take it!

 **Jaune:** I have a cousin named Sandy.

 **Sun:** A lot of dudes eating her out too?

 **Jaune:** Dude, she’s like, eight!

_-audience is silent-_

**Sun:** Uh… Next headline, Ren!

 **Ren:** Very well.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s got two blanks, so I need two words from each of you. “Vale woman robs _____ shop after dreaming about _____.” We started with Team Sugar Rush last time, so I’m going to start over on this side of the stage. _-turns to Team Blond-_ I’ll give Sun a chance to cool down. Jaune, what do you think this woman was doing?

 **Jaune:** You know, it’s funny. Speaking of dreams, I had a really strange one last night.

 **Ruby:** Quit stalling!

 **Nora:** No, it’s really interesting, I promise! Jaune told me all about it this morning.

 **Ren:** On the one hand, you’re clearly stalling. On the other hand, I’m curious now.

 **Sun:** So _On the Spot_ is basically one big group therapy session now?

 **Nora:** Sun, you’re the reason Ruby is going to need therapy!

 **Ren:** Tell us about your dream, Jaune.

 **Sun:** Was it about your mother dying?

 **Jaune:** No! It was about… well, it’s hard to explain.

 **Ren:** _-crosses his legs, pulls out a stylus for his scroll, puts on reading glasses-_ We’re all ears, Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Alright, so my name’s not that common, right? I still haven’t met anyone else named Jaune. But last night, I dreamt that every guy I knew was named Jaune. Sun, you were named Jaune. Ren, you were Jaune too. My own dad was Jaune. Every dude was Jaune! Well, except for one guy who looked like me but had a sombrero and a mustache. He said his name was Juane. But he was only in the dream for, like, three seconds. Anyway, Weiss was there, and she was like, “I hope Jaune asks me out to the dance.” And I’m thinking, ‘Yes, finally, that’s my shot!’ But then, Neptune Vasiliwhatever sidles up to her, and he’s like, “Hey Ice Queen, wanna go to the dance with me?” And she’s like, “I’d love to, Jaune!” But she’s not talking to me; she’s talking to that fucking piece of shit asshole douchebag cunt Neptune! I’m Jaune! Not him! Me! _-pauses, sighs-_ I swear to God, even my own brain fucking hates me sometimes.

_-Ren scribbles furiously on his scroll-_

**Sun:** You know, I actually knew someone named Jaune back at Haven.

 **Jaune:** Really?

 **Sun:** Yeah, his name was Jaune Risinger-

 **Nora:** Great name!

 **Sun:** -and he used to host Haven’s version of _On the Spot_. He was a pretty cool dude.

 **Jaune:** “Was”? What happened to him? Did he kill himself or something?

 **Sun:** What? No, he graduated.

 **Jaune:** Oh.

_-awkward pause, during which Ren continues scribbling-_

**Ren:** _-finishes scribbling, removes glasses-_ Jaune, I think I know what your dream means.

 **Jaune:** Really?

 **Ren:** You have a profound fear of being average. You’re afraid of disappearing in a sea of homogeneity, but you’re reluctant to stand out too much lest you bring unwelcome scrutiny upon yourself. This, coupled with your latent impostor syndrome, results in dreams where you fail to achieve some task through no fault of your own, but you project blame onto yourself through various proxies, for example, Neptune.

 **Jaune:** _-surprised-_ Wow, that’s actually really insightful!

 **Ren:** Moreover, in your dream, Weiss is a stand-in for your mother, and your desire to go to the dance with her is a manifestation of your Oedipus complex.

 **Jaune:** Wait, what?

 **Sun:** Oh God, not this fucking Freudian bullshit.

 **Ren:** Pigment Freud was a brilliant psychoanalyst.

 **Sun:** Not everybody wants to fuck their moms, Ren. Some of us want to fuck other people’s moms. _-glances at Ruby-_

 **Ruby:** You’d have to dig her up first!

 **Sun:** Challenge accepted!

 **Nora:** Doesn’t Jaune have to give an answer?

 **Ren:** _-remembering-_ That’s right! Jaune, what’s your answer?

 **Jaune:** Oh, I don’t know… She had a dream about, um, riches. And so she went to rob a… um… money shop…

 **Sun:** You mean a bank?

 **Jaune:** Well yeah! But that wouldn’t fit in the headline.

 **Ren:** Alright, she dreamt about riches, and then she robbed a _-air quotes-_ “money shop.” Let’s be frank, we weren’t expecting much better from Jaune.

_-Audience goes “Ohhhh!” Jaune frowns and sinks in his seat.-_

**Nora:** Aw, would you look at that? Ol’ Renny Wenny’s getting in on the fun!

 **Ren:** _-chuckles-_ I have to keep myself amused somehow. Nora, do you have an answer?

 **Nora:** I think she dreamed about pancakes before robbing a pancake shop!

 **Ren:** Really sticking with those pancakes, huh.

 **Nora:** You bet! _-raises arms in excitement-_

 **Ren:** Okay, now back to Team Blond. Sun, do you have an answer for me?

 **Sun:** Yeah, sure. I think she had a dream about ghosts, and it made her super-interested in the occult. So she wanted to, like, commune with the dead, and the rituals required a lot of Dust, but she didn’t have a lot of money. So she robbed a Dust shop.

 **Jaune:** Say, if Ruby’s mom were a ghost, would you still be able to fuck her corpse?

 **Ruby:** Jaune! Not you too!

 **Jaune:** Sorry, couldn’t help it.

 **Nora:** Why not? It’s not like your body disappears when you become a ghost.

 **Ren:** Why are we having this discussion? Ghosts don’t exist!

 **Sun:** Exactly. This lady was totally crazy. She thought ghosts were real. That’s why this was a headline. She was cuckoo bananas. And trust me, I know bananas. _-winks-_

 **Ren:** So you’re not going the supernatural route; you’re going the crazy-person route?

 **Sun:** Yep!

 **Ruby:** It’s a pretty lame answer, Sun.

 **Sun:** Hey, at least it didn’t involve corpsefucking for a change!

_-Ren facepalms-_

**Nora:** Ren, when you started this show, did you ever think we’d be talking this much about corpsefucking?

 **Ren:** I intended for this to be a family-friendly show.

 **Nora:** Aw, look on the bright side: at least we don’t have parents to embarrass!

 **Ren:** _-buries his head in his hands, speaks in a muffled voice-_ Ruby, what do you think the answers are?

 **Ruby:** Ren, we live in dangerous times. The creatures of Grimm are getting restless, and they could invade the city any day now!

 **Jaune:** You’re scaring the audience, Ruby.

 **Ruby:** _-ignoring Jaune-_ I think this woman dreamt about the impending Grimm attack, and it made her want to defend herself and her family, so she got up the next morning and robbed a weapon shop.

 **Ren:** Going the self-defence route. Very practical.

 **Nora:** What kind of weapon did she get, Ruby?

 **Ruby:** She got a sword that shoots… laser beams! And the hilt is a gun that also shoots laser beams… no, grenades!

 **Nora:** And the grenades are actually smoke bombs shaped like pancakes, and the laser beams are shaped like giant hammers of justice!

 **Ruby:** _-salivating-_ And the hammers call down a bolt of lightning from the sky, and the lightning is actually a gun that shoots more guns.

 **Nora:** And _those_ guns shoot scythes that are made of Dust so they can transform into mechs that fire miniguns, and the bullets are actually guns that shoot more miniguns, and _those_ miniguns shoot flails…

 **Ruby:** _-squee-_ And those flails spin around so fast you can’t see them but they pulverize Grimm into a bloody, gooey pulp and send guts flying _everywhere_!

_-Nora are Ruby are giggling and practically hugging-_

**Sun:** Jeez, get a room!

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what the real headline was.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Vale woman robs  stroller shop after dreaming about babies.”

 **Nora:** What?

 **Ren:** Apparently the story is that this woman dreamt she had a baby, even though she had never been pregnant, but she was so convinced she had a baby that she went out and got a stroller.

 **Jaune:** That’s messed up.

 **Ruby:** But why did she _rob_ the store?

 **Ren:** _-pulls out scroll-_ It says here that she’s a kleptomaniac.

 **Ruby:** Well that explains it.

 **Jaune:** You know who else is a kleptomaniac? Nora.

 **Nora:** Hey!

 **Jaune:** Last week, she stole Crocea Mors from me!

 **Nora:** I gave it back!

 **Jaune:** Not intact!

 **Nora:** I made it better!

 **Jaune:** You know what she did? She put hearts on the shield, and she covered the blade in sequins!

 **Nora:** Your weapon was ugly; I made it pretty!

 **Jaune:** I don’t want it to be pretty; I want it to be practical!

 **Nora:** It can be both!

 **Ren:** Alright, that’s enough. I have to give out points.

_-Jaune humphs-_

**Ren:** _-strokes chin-_ Sun’s answer was the closest, because it had a lady who had lost her marbles, but Ruby’s made the most sense, so points go to Sugar Rush.

_-Nora and Ruby cheer-_

**Sun:** Fucking bullshit!

 **Ruby:** Deal with it. _-sticks her tongue out-_

 **Sun:** I had the better answer!

 **Nora:** Aw, you’re just mad because Ren thinks you’re a stinky poopoohead.

 **Sun:** Oh yeah? Well Ren thinks you’re a cunt!

 **Jaune:** Too far, Sun. First necrophilia, now this?

 **Ruby:** Yeah, stay away from my mom’s grave!

 **Ren:** That’s enough, guys! I have an ad read to do.

 **Sun:** Fuck your ad reads!

 **Ren:** Do you want me to take away points?

 **Sun:** We only have, like, 5 points!

 **Ren:** I can give you negative points.

 **Sun:** Fine. _-crosses arms, grumbles-_

 **Ren:** _-takes out scroll, reads-_ As the students of Signal Academy know, being far away from home sucks. No freshly laundered combat gear from Mom, and none of Dad’s famous lasagna for dinner. But while From Dust Till Dawn can’t bring you closer to your family, it can make life at combat school much more bearable. From Dust Till Dawn is your one-stop student shop for all your day-to-day needs. We’ve got snacks, music, books, Dust canisters, cleaning supplies, and much, much more. Come visit us at one of our thirty-seven locations all over Remnant. Plus, we’re also the safest place to shop. After a recent attempted robbery, we’ve beefed up security at our Central Vale location, and we’ve hired the huntress who foiled the robbery, Ruby Rose, to stand guard.

 **Ruby:** Wait, I never agreed to-

 **Ren:** And just because we love our viewers, we’ve got a special offer for you. If you would like a free Ursa plushie with your next purchase of music or books, go to fdtd.biz and enter the promo code “On the Spot.” That’s fdtd.biz, promo code “On the Spot.”

 **Ruby:** Seriously, I never agreed to-

 **Ren:** From Dust Till Dawn: You’ll never need another store as long as you’re here. _-puts away scroll-_ Alright, it’s time to see what points-

 **Ruby:** Excuse me, but when did I become a security guard for a convenience store?

 **Ren:** It doesn’t matter. Stop questioning them, or we’ll lose sponsors.

 **Ruby:** But, but-

_-Ren puts his hand up to silence Ruby-_

**Ruby:** _-grumbles-_ Stupid sponsors ruin everything.          

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what points are.

_-score appears on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 50 points for Team Sugar Rush, and 5 points for Team Blond.

 **Jaune:** Wow, we’re getting our asses kicked.

 **Ren:** You can score some points with our next game, which is Sync About It.

_-“Sync About It” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Sync About It is a game where I give each team a prompt, and teammates have to go back and forth, one word at a time, to answer it. And any time I ring the bell, _-rings bell-_ the other team gets a chance to interject with a word to try to throw them off. Makes sense?

_-Ruby, Jaune, and Sun nod. Nora dances in her chair.-_

**Ren:** We’re going to start with Team Blond. Let’s find out what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from RemNet user @Da_Real_Winchester. “How to cheat your way into Beacon.”

_-Jaune tugs nervously at his collar-_

**Ren:** Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Sun… and go!

 **Sun:** First.

 **Jaune:** You.

 **Sun:** Fake.

 **Jaune:** _-grimaces-_ Your.

 **Sun:** Transcripts.

 **Jaune:** God damn it, Sun! That was supposed to be a secret!

_-Sun shrugs-_

**Ren:** Keep going.

 **Jaune:** Uh… Then.

 **Sun:** You.

 **Jaune:** Get.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Nora:** Pancakes!

 **Sun:** Because.

 **Jaune:** Yummy. _-rubs stomach-_

 **Sun:** Next.

 **Jaune:** You.

 **Sun:** Must.

 **Jaune:** Find.

 **Sun:** Glynda.

 **Jaune:** Because.

 **Sun:** She’s.

 **Jaune:** In.

 **Sun:** Charge.

 **Jaune:** Of.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Nora:** Pancakes!

 **Sun:** Then.

 **Jaune:** Your.

 **Sun:** Expelled.

 **Jaune:** I meant Y-O-U-R!

 **Sun:** Too bad.

 **Jaune:** _-sighs-_ But.

 **Sun:** You.

 **Jaune:** Can.

 **Sun:** Masturbate.

 **Jaune:** _-buries his head in his hands-_ All.

 **Sun:** Day.

 **Jaune:** Long.

 **Sun:** And.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Nora:** Pancakes!

 **Jaune:** That doesn’t make sense!

 **Ren:** Keep going. Use it.

 **Sun:** You have to say something!

 **Jaune:** Uh… Uh… Are.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Time’s up!

 **Jaune:** Nobody was supposed to know, Sun! Nobody!

 **Sun:** Well, you told Pyrrha, and Cardin overheard, and he told Russell, who told Dove, who wrote it on a note he passed to Coco, who told Yatsuhashi, who whispered it to Velvet in the hall, who told Ruby, who blurted it out to the rest of her team, who then discussed it with Ren and Nora, who told Neptune, who told Sage, who told me.

 **Jaune:** So the whole school knows?

 **Sun:** Pretty much. And some of Haven too.

 **Ruby:** Even if we hadn’t been told, we would have figured it out. I mean, you _sucked_ when you first came here.

 **Jaune:** _-sarcastically-_ Gee, thanks.

 **Nora:** You’ve improved _loads_ since then. You don’t even trip over your own shield anymore!

 **Ren:** The booth is gesturing to me to keep vamping while they type up your response, so let’s keep discussing Jaune’s failures.

 **Jaune:** Can we talk about literally anything else?

 **Sun:** We could talk about corpsefucking your mom…

 **Jaune:** She’s still alive!

 **Sun:** We can change that!

 **Ren:** Okay, the booth is signalling me that they’re ready, thank God. Let’s read that back.

-answer appears on screen-

 **Ren:** “First you fake your transcripts. Then you get pancakes because yummy. Next you must find Glynda because she’s in charge of pancakes. Then you’re expelled but you can masturbate all day long and pancakes are.” And we’ll never find out what pancakes are.

 **Ruby:** What if it’s, like, an existential thing? Just “Pancakes are.”

 **Ren:** So they’re just confirming that the pancakes exist?

 **Nora:** Pancakes are real, Ren. I’ve eaten them before, and now I can’t go back to a world without pancakes!

 **Ren:** Good to know.

 **Ruby:** Only the first sentence of that answer was about how to cheat your way into Beacon. The rest was just random crap.

 **Nora:** The rest was, like, how to get caught.

 **Ruby:** Yeah, and what happens _after_ you get caught.

 **Jaune:** Well, when you put it that way we went above and beyond!

 **Sun:** Yeah, we wrote the answer, and then we wrote the sequel.

 **Ren:** The sequel? Is this a franchise now?

 **Sun:** Everything’s a franchise now, Ren.

 **Jaune:** At least a trilogy.

 **Sun:** There are, like, ten Harry Pewter movies.

 **Jaune:** Yeah, and fifty James Blond ones.

 **Ruby:** Have you seen them all?

 **Jaune:** Of course!

 **Nora:** Well now we know what Jaune was doing before coming here instead of combat training!

_-Jaune groans and buries his head in his hands-_

**Ren:** _-clears throat-_ So that’s one way the game can be played. Team Sugar Rush, let’s find out what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from @ZweiFan69.

 **Ruby:** That’s my Dad! _-waves to the camera-_ Hi Daddy!

 **Ren:** Your prompt is: “How to win the Golden Glynda.” Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Nora… And go!

 **Nora:** First.

 **Ruby:** You.

 **Nora:** Steal.

 **Ruby:** The.

 **Nora:** Statue.

 **Ruby:** Then.

 **Nora:** You.

 **Ruby:** Declare.

 **Nora:** Yourself.

 **Ruby:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Sun:** Prostitute.

 **Nora:** And.

 **Ruby:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Jaune:** Hooker.

 **Nora:** And.

 **Ruby:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Sun:** Strumpet.

 **Nora:** And.

 **Ruby:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Jaune:** Trollop.

 **Nora:** And.

 **Ruby:** For Dust’s sake, Nora, say something different!

 **Nora:** It’s your turn!

 **Ruby:** _-sighs-_ The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Sun:** Whore.

 **Nora:** And.

 **Ruby:** _-facepalms-_ Uh… Signal!

 **Nora:** Academy.

 **Ruby:** Is.

 **Nora:** Potatoes.

 **Ruby:** _-confused-_ Because?

 **Nora:** Underwear.

 **Ruby:** Wait…what? Uh… Huntress.

 **Nora:** _-raises arms-_ Nora!

 **Ruby:** No! What the heck are you doing?

 **Nora:** _-shrugs-_ Women.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Sun:** Wow, what the hell was that?

 **Ren:** Yes, Nora, did you have a stroke?

 **Nora:** I started thinking about butterflies and got distracted. _-giggles-_

 **Ruby:** Also, how many synonyms for “prostitute” are there?

 **Jaune:** I think we got them all.

 **Sun:** Nah, we missed a bunch. We didn’t get tramp, harlot, hussy, tart, quean, courtesan, moll, floozy, slut, or streetwalker.

 **Ruby:** Wow, the English language really hates women!

_-audience laughs nervously-_

**Nora:** Can that be the title of this episode? “English Hates Women”?

 **Ren:** Sure, why not? Let’s read your answer back.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “First you steal the statue. Then you declare yourself the prostitute and the hooker and the strumpet and the trollop and the whore. And Signal Academy is potatoes because underwear. Huntress Nora! No! Women.”

 **Ruby:** I think we answered the question. The best way to win the Golden Glynda is to steal it.

 **Ren:** That’s not winning; that’s theft!

 **Ruby:** Is there really a difference?

 **Nora:** Yeah, I “win” things from Jaune all the time!

 **Jaune:** I wish you’d stop.

_-Nora giggles-_

**Sun:** You really got stuck in a pattern there, Nora.

 **Nora:** Once I find something that works, I stick with it. And isn’t the whole point of doing improv to say, “Yes, and…”? I said “and”!

 **Ruby:** Not literally!

 **Nora:** Well they should have specified that!

 **Ren:** _-shaking his head-_ Those improv classes were not lien well spent.

 **Sun:** Who cares? It’s Ozpin’s money. The dude must be rich.

 **Ruby:** How did he get rich? Beacon’s a public school. He earns a government salary.

 **Sun:** Wait, you seriously don’t know?

 **Ruby:** Did he endorse a cereal or something?

 **Sun:** Oh my God, you seriously don’t know.

 **Nora:** Don’t you think Ruby’s a little young to know?

 **Ruby:** _-indignantly-_ I am _not_ too young!

 **Sun:** Fine. Look up _Sips and Whips_ on RemNet.

 **Ren:** We really shouldn’t do this on the air.

 **Ruby:** _-ignores Ren, pulls out scroll, searches for “Sips and Whips”-_ Gah! My eyes!

_-Sun and Jaune laugh-_

**Ruby:** Why is Professor Ozpin doing that to Professor Goodwitch?

 **Sun:** Well, you see, Ruby, when a man loves a woman-

 **Ruby:** I know what sex is, you big jerk! But why is _Professor Ozpin_ doing that to _Professor Goodwitch_? And why are they doing _that_? I mean, is it even supposed to go in there? How does it fit?

 **Sun:** Ozpin and Goodwitch made a whole series of these. They were huge sellers on the 18+ section of RemNet. They stopped after _Sips and Whips Volume 17_ , though.

 **Ruby:** There are _seventeen_ of these? _-gags-_

 **Sun:** Yeah, and he made, like, a million lien off each one. That’s 17 million lien total.

 **Ruby:** How… how does she go to the bathroom after doing seventeen of these?

 **Nora:** Oh honey, you have so much to learn.

 **Ruby:** _-the colour draining from her face-_ I’ll never look at the Golden Glynda the same way again. - _curling up in fetal position in her chair-_ I’m not even sure I want to win it anymore.

 **Ren:** Well, that was illuminating. Can we please get back to the show now? I have to award points.

 **Jaune:** Just give the points to us.

 **Ren:** Not so fast, Jaune. Let me think about it. Nora and Ruby, you guys didn’t really answer the question.

 **Nora:** We totally did! Winning. Stealing. Same thing!

 **Ren:** They’re really not. I have to award points to Team Blond.

_-Jaune and Sun high-five-_

**Jaune:** Sweet!

 **Ren:** Let’s see what points are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s fifty points for Team Sugar Rush, and fifty-five points for Team Blond.

 **Jaune:** Close game.

 **Ren:** It certainly is. That means Team Sugar Rush, you’re doing the Redemption Challenge. _-pause-_ Ruby, are you alright?

 **Ruby:** _-small voice-_ … No.

 **Ren:** Are you mad at Sun?

 **Ruby:** _-small voice-_ … No.

 **Ren:** Were you disturbed by what he told you about Professor Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch?

_-Ruby remains curled up in fetal position. She doesn’t speak-_

**Ren:** Ruby?

 **Nora:** Aw, it’s broken.

 **Ruby:** _-small voice-_ … Yang? … Yang?

 **Jaune:** Yeah, you definitely broke her, Sun.

_-Sun shrugs-_

**Ruby:** _-small voice-_ … Yang?

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Ruby, what do you need?

 **Ruby:** Can I have a hug?

 **Yang:** _-springing up to her feet-_ Of course you can, little sis! _-runs onto stage, gives Ruby a huge hug-_

 **Ruby:** _-uncurls from fetal position, grins-_ Thanks, Yang! I’m all better now.

 **Yang:** You got it, sis. _-returns to seat-_

 **Sun:** Really? That’s all it takes? A hug?

 **Ruby:** Yup!

 **Jaune:** Wait, are we sure she didn’t, like, cheat or something? I mean, did Yang use her Semblance on her?

 **Nora:** That’s not what Yang’s Semblance does, you big dope!

 **Ruby:** Yeah! Besides, why would I cheat at this game? Ren just pulls the points out of his ass anyway!

 **Sun:** That’s not the only thing that got pulled out of someone’s ass, am I right? _-winks at Ruby-_

 **Nora:** Stop it! You’ll break her again!

 **Ruby:** _-pauses, takes a deep breath-_ I’m good. What’s our Redemption Challenge, Ren? Which we shouldn’t have to do, by the way, because our answer was clearly better than theirs.

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Ruby for questioning my judgment.

 **Ruby:** See? He just makes up the points! You’re proving my point, Ren!

 **Ren:** Fine. Minus _ten_ points.

 **Nora:** Ren, you can be such a big meanie-pants sometimes.

 **Ren:** It’s tough love, Nora, tough love. Alright, let’s see what the scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** Alright, that’s 40 points for Team Sugar Rush, and 55 for Team Blond.

 **Jaune:** I’m surprised Sun hasn’t had any points taken away for being gross.

 **Sun:** Dude, don’t remind him!

 **Jaune:** We’re winning anyway!

 **Ren:** You know what? Five points to Jaune for having a conscience.

 **Nora:** That’s not fair!

 **Ruby:** So now it’s 40 to 60?

 **Ren:** Don’t worry, this Redemption Challenge will give you a chance to catch up. Pyrrha, could you bring out the challenge, please?

_**-** Pyrrha wheels out a table with a circuit board and four light bulbs on it-_

**Ren:** Thank you, Pyrrha.

_-As Pyrrha leaves the stage, she winks at Jaune. Jaune doesn’t notice. Pyrrha frowns and sighs.-_

**Ren:** As you can see, I’m not having you eat anything this week.

 **Nora:** Aw, that’s a shame. Have you ever eaten a light bulb before, Ren? It’s no pancake, but it’s pretty good.

 **Ren:** I’m just going to ignore that. Anyway, you have a circuit board with a series of switches in front of you. I’ll give you sixty seconds to find the correct combination of switches to turn all four light bulbs on at the same time.

_-Nora has a suspicious grin on her face-_

**Ruby:** You’re giving us a puzzle? This sounds like homework!

 **Sun:** Homework? Ha! I’ve never handed mine in.

 **Jaune:** What? How have you not flunked out of Haven?

 **Sun:** _-shrugs-_ Got dirt on all the profs.

 **Ruby:** How many points could we get, Ren?

 **Ren:** I’ll give you thirty points. You’ll get partial points if you get close. Alright, sixty seconds on the clock, and go!

_-Nora immediately gets up and runs to the nearest electrical socket. She activates her Semblance and jams her finger inside the socket.-_

**Ruby:** Nora, what are you doing?

 **Nora:** _-sparks start flying off her-_ Forget the switches. This is faster! _-runs to the circuit board and puts her hands on it-_

_-All four light bulbs turn on for about a second before sparks start flying off the circuit board. The light bulbs then explode one by one.-_

**Ren:** Uh oh.

_-Sparks start flying off the camera equipment. The lights on the stage start flickering.-_

**Sun:** Oh shit.

_-Nora laughs maniacally. The studio lights burn out, and the camera equipment shuts down.-_

_…_

_-Twenty minutes later. The studio is noticeably dimmer.-_

**Ren:** Okay, we’ve managed to get some of the camera equipment working again, and we’re back on the air. Team Sugar Rush just completed their Redemption Challenge.

_-Ruby and Nora high-five-_

**Ren:** Don’t celebrate just yet. I can’t award you any points, because you didn’t follow the instructions. I said you had to turn on the bulbs using the correct combination of switches. You didn’t use the switches.

 **Nora:** But we turned on all the bulbs!

 **Sun:** Yeah, for like a second!

 **Ren:** You also destroyed about nine thousand lien’s worth of camera and lighting equipment.

 **Nora:** Pfft. Professor Ozpin is rich. He can just buy some more!

 **Ren:** Be that as it may, you’re still not getting any points. Let’s just remind our audience what the scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 40 for Team Sugar Rush, 60 for Team Blond. Alright, it’s time for our final game of the evening, Quick Thinking.

_-“Quick Thinking” appears on screen-_

**Nora:** I like to call this game “Quinking” for short. _-giggles-_

 **Ren:** “Quinking”? Is that like “booping”?

 **Nora:** No, you silly goose! Booping is something completely different! _-boops Ren on the nose-_ Boop! _-giggles-_

 **Ren:** _-totally unfazed-_ Quick Thinking is a game where both teams get a category, and they’re going to get sixty seconds to go back and forth coming up with ideas for that category, starting with a certain letter of the alphabet. They get points for the answers I like, and no points for the answers I don’t. Also, the letter is going to change throughout the round, so keep an eye out for that.

 **Sun:** How many times are we doing this?

 **Ren:** Twice.

 **Sun:** Ugggggh. Can we just hurry up and get this over with? They’re serving banana cream pie in the caf tonight, and it’s my favourite.

 **Ruby:** Ooh, I like dessert too!

 **Nora:** Oh please, who doesn’t?

 **Ruby:** Can “types of dessert” be one of the categories?

 **Ren:** It can be if Pyrrha selected it.

 **Jaune:** That’s what a producer does?

 **Ren:** She’s also in charge of setting the filming schedule and making sure that Yatsuhashi and Fox procure the necessary materials for Redemption Challenges.

 **Sun:** Booo-ring!

 **Ruby:** Speaking of Fox, is it just me, or does he not talk, like, at all?

 **Jaune:** Thank you! I’ve been thinking the same thing for ages! Like, is he mute?

 **Nora:** And what’s with his eyes? He doesn’t have irises! His eyeballs are all white!

 **Ruby:** Ren, have you ever heard Fox speak?

 **Ren:** No, I can’t say I have.

 **Jaune:** I think I might have heard him grunt once.

 **Nora:** Do you think he’s a robot?

 **Ruby:** You mean like Penny?

 **Nora:** Yeah, but _evil_.

 **Ren:** That’s preposterous.

 **Jaune:** Is it, Ren? Atlas has the technology to make a robot like Fox.

 **Ren:** He’s not a robot! He has an Aura!

 **Ruby:** So does Penny!

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ We can investigate this later. For now, let’s play Quick Thinking.

 **Sun:** You’re trying to change the subject!

 **Ren:** Sun, you barely even know Fox!

 **Sun:** Yeah, but I do know that I hate the Man, and right now, dude, you’re being the Man.

 **Ren:** How does one “be the Man,” exactly?... You know what? Forget about it. We have a game to play. Let’s find out what the first category is.

_-category appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Things you shouldn’t say to your Faunus girlfriend or boyfriend.”

_-Sun frowns-_

**Ren:** Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with what letter?

_-“I” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** I. Starting with I. Nora will start us off, sixty seconds, and go.

 **Nora:** Is that a tail in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

 **Ren:** Yes. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Uh… Iguana tails. I hate them.

 **Ren:** Sure. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** I’d like a Vacuan handjob, please!

 **Nora:** Callback! _-high-fives Ruby-_

 **Ren:** _-chuckles-_ Yes, points. Sun.

 **Sun:** I’m feeling discriminated against right now.

_-“P” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** No! New letter: P. Nora.

 **Nora:** Put a demon baby inside me!

 **Ren:** Yes. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** P-p-protect us!

 **Ren:** No. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Uh… Pass… Wait a sec, “pass” starts with P! Pass!

 **Ren:** _-shaking his head-_ No. Sun.

 **Sun:** Pee on my face.

 **Jaune:** Dude, what the fuck?

 **Ren:** No thank you, but yes, points. Nora.

 **Nora:** Poodle. That’s what you look like. A poodle.

_-“L” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Sure. The next letter is L. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Shit, I had a good one for P. Uh… Lick that off the floor for me, will you?

 **Ren:** Yes. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Look over there: a ball of yarn!

 **Ren:** Yes! Sun.

 **Sun:** Let me shit on your dick.

 **Jaune:** Fucking hell, Sun! What’s wrong with you?

_-“M” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Points! M. Nora.

 **Nora:** Maybe you should bring the claws out tonight.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Yes, Nora. And that’s time!

 **Ruby:** Wow, I think we need to send Sun to the corner after that one.

 **Jaune:** Or Menagerie.

 **Ruby:** That’s a little much, Jaune.

 **Jaune:** I should have used that for L: Let’s go to Menagerie for our honeymoon.

 **Nora:** Maybe you and Sun _both_ need to go to the corner.

 **Ruby:** For your honeymoon!

 **Nora:** Ooh, are Sun and Jaune getting married? That’s amazing!

 **Ruby:** I ship it! Can we make that an official _On the Spot_ hashtag, like #ishipit?

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ I don’t even know anymore.

 **Nora:** What’s their ship name?

 **Ruby:** I don’t know. It’s hard to come up with a name, because they’re so different from each other. They’re like day and night.

 **Nora:** That’s it! We call them Day and Knight! But knight with a K, because Jaune’s got a sword like a knight!

 **Ruby:** _-squee-_ I love it!

 **Ren:** So that’s the hashtag? #dayandknight?

 **Ruby:** Exactly! #dayandknight #ishipit.

 **Jaune:** Do we get any say at all in this?

 **Nora:** That depends. Do you want your wedding to be terrible?

 **Jaune:** No, but-

 **Nora:** Then leave it all to me. You and Sun are going to have a perfect wedding!

 **Jaune:** It’s not going to be perfect unless I’m marrying Weiss.

 **Sun:** For fuck’s sake, dude, it’s never going to happen!

 **Jaune:** A man can dream!

 **Ruby:** What would your dream wedding be like, Nora?

 **Nora:** Well, gee… There would be lots of balloons! Balloons everywhere! And stuffed animals. And instead of a cake, there would be a huuuuuge stack of pancakes with a red sap fountain.

 **Jaune:** And who would the groom be?

 **Ruby:** Ooh, would it be Ren?

_-Ren nearly chokes on his algae drink-_

**Ruby:** Are you okay, Ren?

 **Ren:** _-coughs-_ Yeah.

 **Nora:** _-blushes-_ Well, you see… Ren and I are together, but we’re not _together_ together, if you know what I mean…

 **Ruby:** Well I ship it! #ishipit.

 **Sun:** I’m going to start a new hashtag called #ishitit and send out Blips with pictures of my toilet after I take a dump.

 **Nora:** Ew, gross!

 **Jaune:** Dust fucking damn it, Sun! What the fuck is wrong with you?

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Sun for being awful.

 **Ruby:** Besides, aren’t you busy shitting on dicks?

 **Sun:** Just like Glynda on Ozpin!

_-Ruby gags and nearly vomits-_

**Nora:** Ooh, aim it at the enemy!

 **Jaune:** Well at least she’s not totally shutting down anymore.

 **Sun:** By the way, speaking of butt stuff, why didn’t you guys include it in your answers?

 **Nora:** _-staring blankly-_ What do you mean?

 **Sun:** Faunus chicks are totally into butt stuff.

 **Jaune:** I’ve never heard of this stereotype.

 **Sun:** It’s not just a stereotype; it’s true! Trust me, I know Faunus girls.

 **Jaune:** You think Blake is into it?

 **Sun:** Probably.

 **Ruby:** How about Neon?

 **Sun:** Definitely.

 **Nora:** Velvet?

 **Sun:** I know for a fact that she has a collection of vintage buttplugs. Look guys, Faunus chicks like it in the ass. It’s, like, science or something. Trust me, I’m a Faunus. I would know.

 **Ruby:** Yes, but you’re not a Faunus _girl_.

 **Sun:** So? What’s your point?

 **Ruby:** My point is that _-clears throat-_ as a member of the male gender, your experiences don’t allow you to make generalizations about female Faunus.

 **Sun:** Oh for Dust’s sake, don’t get all _feminist_ on me.

_-audience goes “Ohhhh!”-_

**Nora:** You know, you should really ask Flynt for his fedora. It might suit you better.

_-audience laughs-_

**Sun:** I’m not taking fashion tips from a bl-

 **Ren:** _-interrupting-_ Alright, before this goes any further off the rails, let’s find out what our second category is.

_-category appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Rejected names for your weapon.” Seems easy enough. We started with Sugar Rush last time, so we’re going to start with Team Blond. Sun goes first, starting with what letter?

_-“B” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Starting with B. Sixty seconds on the clock, and go!

 **Sun:** Booty Stick.

 **Ren:** Yes. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** Big Friggin’ Scythe.

 **Ren:** No. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Butt Sword.

 **Ren:** Hmm, I’ll allow it. Points. Nora.

 **Nora:** Boop Machine!

_-“S” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Yes. The new letter is S. Sun.

 **Sun:** Summer Corpsefucker.

 **Ren:** No! Minus five points.

 **Ruby:** _-glaring-_ Sun Killer.

 **Ren:** Yes. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Stupid Teammate.

 **Ren:** Not a weapon, but yes, points. Nora.

 **Nora:** Sledgehammer of Justice! _-pumps fist-_

 **Ren:** No, that’s an awesome name. No points.

_-“Z” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** New letter: Z. Sun.

 **Sun:** Zodiac Killer, a.k.a. Ted Bluz.

 **Ren:** We don’t do memes on this show. No points. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** _-mimes swinging her scythe with each word-_ Zip Zap Zoom!

 **Ren:** That’s stupid. No. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** Zit Scratcher.

 **Ren:** Yes. Nora.

 **Nora:** Zoink!

_-“U” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** No. The next letter is U. Sun.

 **Sun:** _-gestures to his crotch-_ Underwear Dropper.

 **Ren:** Ew, no. Ruby.

 **Ruby:** The Uglymaker!

 **Ren:** Yes. Jaune.

 **Jaune:** _-sigh-_ Useless Weapon.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Yes, points for Jaune’s answer. That’s time!

 **Jaune:** _-to Sun-_ Dude, you’re out of control.

 **Sun:** If I’m going down, _On the Spot’s_ going down with me.

 **Ruby:** It was already at the bottom. You, you’re like one of Salem’s minions.

 **Nora:** Yeah, and you’re a big poopyface!

 **Sun:** You know what? Fuck all of you guys. I had to sit here during the friggin’ Faunus category.

 **Ruby:** To be fair, it was kinda racist.

 **Ren:** We’ve been super racist before on this show.

 **Jaune:** Yeah. Remind me why Professor Ozpin hasn’t taken this show off the air.

 **Nora:** I think he secretly enjoys it.

 **Jaune:** He definitely won’t enjoy us talking about his adult film career.

 **Ren:** _-shrugs-_ You take the good with the bad. Alright, after all that, let’s find out what the final scores are.

_-final scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** Final score is 85 to 95. Team Blond wins!

 **Jaune:** You became a liability towards the end there, Sun, and we still managed to win!

 **Sun:** You were always a liability.

 **Ren:** _-sarcastically-_ Such camaraderie on this team.

 **Ruby:** On the other hand, Nora and I are still besties!

 **Nora:** Should we go bake cupcakes?

 **Ruby:** Yes, cupcakes! _-squee-_ Let’s go do that right after the show!

 **Jaune:** Can I get a cupcake?

 **Nora:** _You_ can. Your partner, on the other hand…

 **Jaune:** What do you have against Pyrrha? _-pause-_ Oh, you meant Sun.

 **Sun:** _-shrugs-_ Whatever. Fuck you guys. I’ve got all the banana cream pie I want.

 **Ruby:** That’s because nobody else eats it!

 **Nora:** Yeah, nobody who doesn’t have a monkey tail coming out of their ass would ever think that stuff tastes good. Ren doesn’t even like it, and he drinks pond scum!

 **Ren:** I’ll have you know I only consume the finest algae from the kelp forests off the northern Patchian coast.

 **Ruby:** Sheesh, expensive taste much? I don’t even eat that stuff, and I’m _from_ Patch.

 **Jaune:** Maybe he’s got some of that sweet Ozpin money.

 **Ren:** I would never debase myself like that, no matter what the prize.

 **Ruby:** Are you sure about that? I mean, even I would if the reward were high enough.

 **Sun:** Fuck it. I’d do it for free. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab the Golden Glynda and go shove it up some Faunus chick’s ass. _-grabs statuette-_

 **Ren:** _-facepalms-_ Anyway, that brings this episode to a close. I’d like to thank our sponsor, From Dust Till Dawn. I’d also like to extend a big thank you to all my guests, except Sun, who is a menace to society.

_-Sun raises both middle fingers to the camera-_

**Ren:** That’s all for now. Good night everybody!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO...-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that I wrote Sun extremely out of character. I sort of imagined him more like his VA, Michael Jones, but instead of being a pretty cool guy (like Michael is), I made him a total asshole. It turned out that writing him like a total asshole was a lot of fun.


	3. "Death of the Golden Glynda" - Coco & Velvet vs. Neptune & Pyrrha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one goes to some strange places. It's got *feelings*.

**Ren:** Our first team tonight is the perfect pair. One of them has wanted to be world-famous model and fashionista since she was a little girl, and the other is an avid photographer who specializes in portraits and still life. Together, they practice modelling and taking pictures, and they’re set to take on the fashion world. It’s Coco Adel and Velvet Scarlatina!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** As for our second team, both of them are afraid of water. One doesn’t want her armour to get rusty, and the other is just a big old wuss. It’s Pyrrha Nikos and Neptune Vasilias!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** I’myourhostLieRenandwelcometoOntheSpot!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Ren:** So, how’s everyone doing?

 **Pyrrha:** Excellent.

 **Coco:** Great. _-thumbs up-_

_-Neptune points a finger gun at Ren and smiles, one of his teeth twinkling. Velvet gives a bashful little clap of joy.-_

**Ren:** This is a very special week for _On the Spot_ because we have our producer Pyrrha as a guest.

 **Pyrrha:** Hello everyone! _-waves-_

 **Ren:** This was sort of a last-minute thing, wasn’t it?

 **Pyrrha:** Well yes. Originally Sun was slated to appear this week, but after last week’s, ahem, _events_ , we came to a mutual agreement that it would be best if I took his place.

 **Neptune:** That guy does not hold his liquor well.

 **Ren:** So typically you’re in charge of coming up with Redemption Challenges, correct?

 **Pyrrha:** Typically, yes. But this week I’ve left it in the very capable hands of Fox and Yatsuhashi.

 **Coco:** Everybody give a round of applause for those guys!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** I’m really enjoying this. I think this is going to be our most civilized episode of _On the Spot_ yet.

 **Neptune:** Don’t be so sure. Coco’s kind of a wildcard.

_-Coco pulls down her sunglasses and winks at the camera-_

**Ren:** So, I guess I should do introductions. Welcome to _On the Spot_ , Beacon’s official improv game show that my guests and I are using to fulfill our media literacy requirement for graduation, this week brought to you by KFSchnee, a subsidiary of the Schnee Dust Company.

 **Pyrrha:** I quite enjoy it, actually.

 **Ren:** Thank you! Five points to Pyrrha’s team. Speaking of which, let’s meet our teams. Coco and Velvet, let me start with you. What’s your team name?

_-Using her Semblance, Pyrrha unscrews the base of the Golden Glynda. Ren doesn’t notice. Pyrrha winks at Neptune-_

**Velvet:** Can I say it?

 **Coco:** _-puts her hand out to silence Velvet-_ We wanted something clever for our team name. Something fresh. Bold. Exciting. Alluring. Something with staying power, not to be forgotten when the new fall fashions are unveiled. So we went with- You’re up, Velvet.

 **Velvet:** Really?

 **Coco:** _-nods-_ Just make it count.

 **Velvet:** We went with Team Crosshares! It’s a pun, you see, because Coco has a minigun, and I’m a hare Faunus… Well technically a rabbit Faunus. The distinction is-

 **Coco:** _-puts her hand out to Silence Velvet-_ I think you’ll agree, Ren, that our team name is revolutionary.

 **Ren:** I don’t know if I’d go that far.

 **Coco:** _-scoffs-_ Philistine.

 **Ren:** So, we’ve got Team Crosshares over here. If you want to send them insults or encouragement, please use the hashtag #Crosshares. Now let’s go to our other team. Pyrrha and Neptune, what do you have for me?

 **Pyrrha:** Well Ren, as you mentioned in your introduction, neither of us is particularly fond of water.

 **Neptune:** It’s where the stingrays are!

_-Velvet winces-_

**Pyrrha:** _-nods sagely-_ So we decided to call ourselves Team Landsharks.

 **Ren:** Landsharks?

 **Pyrrha:** Yes, Landsharks. All the ferocity of a shark with none of the terror of water.

 **Neptune:** It’s a badass team name, if you ask me.

 **Pyrrha:** Exactly. It is, as Neptune says, “badass.”

 **Ren:** I admire your commitment to pretending your team name is cool.

_-Neptune winks at the audience-_

**Ren:** Alright, if you want to send Blips to this team, direct them to the hashtag #Landsharks. Now on to our second order of business. We’re going to be playing Impromptu Pitch later, and we need prompts from you guys. So what we need you to do is send us a person, place, and genre under the hashtag #otsprompt. We’ll pick the ones we like and discard the rest. Selecting prompts would normally be your job, right Pyrrha?

 **Pyrrha:** Correct. However, I trust Yatsuhashi’s judgment. _-softer-_ But Fox’s not so much. _-whisper-_ I’ve seen his RemNet search history.

 **Velvet:** Oh, you mean the Grimm-on-Gr-

 **Coco:** _-putting her hand out to silence Velvet-_ What my teammate does in his spare time is none of your business.

 **Pyrrha:** I mean, it _is_ legal. However-

 **Coco:** _-interrupting-_ None. Of. Your. Business.

 **Pyrrha:** Understood.

_-crickets-_

**Ren:** So on to our first game, Ass Swipe.

_-“Ass Swipe” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Ass Swipe is a game where we asked viewers to send in pictures of themselves so that we could make online dating profiles for them.

 **Pyrrha:** Excuse me? I didn’t authorize this game. It violates most of Vale’s privacy laws!

 **Ren:** You should have thought of that before leaving the show in Fox and Yatsuhashi’s hands. Anyway, I’m going to give each team a photo and a couple of traits that you’ll have to work into the profile somehow, and the other team will get the chance to add a third trait to throw you off. You’ll go back and forth, between members of the team, to make the dating profile. Makes sense?

 **Pyrrha:** I really must object.

 **Ren:** And I really must ignore your objection. Team Crosshares, let’s find out what your photo is.

_-_ [ _Photo of Dew Gayl_ ](http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/rwby/images/6/68/Vol3_Dew_ProfilePic.png) _appears on screen. Velvet blushes.-_

**Pyrrha:** That’s actually quite a nice photo.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, I thought these were supposed to be embarrassing pictures.

 **Pyrrha:** Be thankful for that, Neptune. Otherwise we might have had a lawsuit on our hands.

 **Neptune:** She looks even better in person. I could tell she was into me when we fought at the Vytal Festival. _-winks-_

_-Pyrrha facepalms-_

**Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what her traits are.

_-traits appear on screen-_

**Ren:** “Has an exotic Dust collection” and “Chronic bedwetter.” Team Landsharks, what would you like to add to that?

_-Pyrrha and Neptune whisper to each other-_

**Coco:** You’re putting way too much thought into this.

_-Pyrrha and Neptune whisper some more-_

**Pyrrha:** We’ve got it.

 **Neptune:** She’s only attracted to Faunus.

_-Velvet’s eyes go wide, and her face turns beet-red. She fans herself with one of her bunny ears.-_

**Coco:** You alright there, Velvet?

_-Velvet can’t speak, so she just nods-_

**Ren:** Alright, 60 seconds on the clock, starting with Coco, and go!

 **CocoDew:** Hey, I’m Dew Gayl from sunny Vacuo, and I’m the girl of your dreams. I’ve got an exotic Dust collection that will blow your mind.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Velvet.

 **VelvetDew:** _-stammering-_ Hair! Long, gorgeous hair. So gorgeous… Uh… eyes! Lilac eyes! Could stare for hours- Stare at them for hours. You could stare at them for hours! Ohhhh… _-drools-_

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Coco.

 **CocoDew:** _-shoots Velvet a nasty look-_ I should warn you, though, that I’m a chronic bedwetter, but that’s okay, because I only want to date Faunus, and Faunus are attracted to the scent of urine.

 **Pyrrha:** That is most certainly not true!

_-Velvet is too turned on to be offended-_

**Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Velvet.

 **VelvetDew:** So… pretty… I mean, I’m so pretty! When I look in the mirror, I want to do nasty things to myself. _-begins thumping her foot like a rabbit in heat-_

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Coco.

 **CocoDew:** And you’ll certainly want to do nasty things to me. That’s what the Dust collection is for. _-pulls down sunglasses and winks-_

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Velvet.

 **Velvet, not even bothering to pretend to be Dew:** So nasty… So, so nasty. I’ve been a naughty girl. Let me be your bunny slave.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Coco.

 **Coco:** What the-

_-ding ding ding-_

**Coco:** Fucking shit, Velvet, you useless lesbian! _-whacks Velvet with her handbag-_

 **Velvet:** _-winces-_ Ow!

 **Neptune:** That looked like it hurt.

 **Pyrrha:** Well it snapped her out of it, at least.

 **Coco:** What in the name of Ozpin’s shrivelled nutsack was that?

 **Velvet:** I’m sorry!

 **Ren:** Yes, that was indeed, ahem, special. Let’s find out what our next picture is.

_-_ [ _photo of Ozpin sipping from a mug_ ](http://static.tumblr.com/d18b4b915bbf01e0247f33c570473229/qsk5aip/Sy9muxr48/tumblr_static_ozpindrinking.png) _appears on screen-_

**Neptune:** Speaking of Ozpin’s shrivelled nutsack…

_-audience laughs-_

**Coco:** I’ve always wondered: what is he drinking?

 **Ren:** Coffee, probably.

 **Pyrrha:** I’ve always thought it was tea, myself.

 **Neptune:** Could it be hot cocoa?

 **Coco:** I’m flattered. _-winks-_

 **Neptune:** _-stammering-_ No, that’s not what I-

 **Coco:** Relax, hotshot. I’m too much woman for you anyway.

_-Neptune frowns-_

**Velvet:** Could it be-

 **Coco:** _-putting her hand out to silence Velvet-_ No, Neptune’s right. It’s hot chocolate.

_-Velvet frowns-_

**Pyrrha:** There’s no way we can know for sure.

 **Neptune:** Why don’t we just, like, ask him?

 **Ren:** I have a feeling that would backfire.

 **Neptune:** How come?

 **Pyrrha:** Professor Ozpin isn’t exactly the most… _forthcoming_ of men.

 **Coco:** I sense a story here.

 **Pyrrha:** _-stammering-_ No, no story. No Maidens. Nothing of the sort.

 **Coco:** Nobody said anything about Maidens.

 **Pyrrha:** _-pause-_ What traits must our dating profile contain, Ren?

 **Ren:** Well let’s see.

_-traits appear on screen-_

**Ren:** “Has a secret basement”-

_-Pyrrha gulps-_

**Ren:** -And is “The world’s most prolific fanfiction author.” What do you want to add to that, Team Crosshares?

 **Coco:** How about, “Has an aquarium full of stingrays”?

 **Velvet:** Could we please not-

 **Coco:** _-putting her hand out to silence Velvet-_ An aquarium full of stingrays.

 **Neptune:** Aw, come on. You know I hate stingrays. Sharks too. And whales. And octopuses. Man, the ocean is a scary place.

 **Ren:** Alright, 60 seconds on the clock, starting with Pyrrha, and go!

 **PyrrhaOzpin:** _-in a manly voice-_ Hello, I am Professor Ozpin, and I would like to date a woman. _-in her regular voice-_ How does dating work exactly? I’m unclear on that.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Neptune.

 **NeptuneOzpin:** _-in his regular voice, to Pyrrha-_ I got this. _-in a deeper voice-_ I’m Ozpin, Beacon Academy Headmaster and hot cocoa aficionado, and I’m looking for a special lady to fill my cup. _-wink-_ I’m also an expert in the language of looooove. I’m a romance writer – fanfiction, specifically – and I write it in my secret basement. _-flirtatiously-_ Oh, did I say “secret” basement? Guess it’s not so secret anymore! Oopsie. Now-

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Pyrrha.

 **PyrrhaOzpin:** I also have an aquarium, which is romantic because it’s full of stingrays! I find myself attracted to blond me- women! Blonde women! And I like to bring those blonde women to my aquarium. With the stingrays.

_-Neptune gives Pyrrha a weird look-_

**PyrrhaOzpin:** _-pleading with her eyes for Ren to ring the bell-_ Yes, stingrays. Majestic creatures. Also dangerous. Many of my lovers have been killed at my aquarium.

_-Velvet begins tearing up-_

**PyrrhaOzpin:** So if you want to be with me, know that it will be a challenge. You may lose your life in the process. But I promise I will love you in return. Just as much as I love my stingrays.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Neptune.

 **Pyrrha:** Oh thank Dust.

 **NeptuneOzpin:** Until they kill you.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** That’s time.

_-Velvet bursts into tears-_

**Pyrrha:** Is something the matter, Velvet?

 **Coco:** She’s fine.

 **Pyrrha:** No I really think-

 **Velvet:** _-sobbing-_ My father was Steven Scarlatina!

 **Neptune:** Wait, do you mean Steve Scarlatina? The CrocoVile Hunter? I loved that guy! He was awesome. He slayed, like, a thousand of those ugly reptilian Grimm with the big mouths full of teeth. You know, the ones that hang out in swamps? Whatever happened to him anyway?

 **Pyrrha:** He was killed by a stingray, Neptune.

 **Neptune:** For real? Oh shit. I’m really sorry, Velvet. I didn’t know.

 **Velvet:** _-barely intelligible through the tears-_ Screw this show! Screw all of you! _-runs offstage crying-_

 **Coco:** _-sigh-_ There she goes again, whining about something or other.

 **Pyrrha:** You know, you really should be nicer to your teammates.

 **Coco:** Says the girl who stuffs her teammates into lockers.

 **Pyrrha:** I- I- That was-

 **Neptune:** Should I go after her?

 **Pyrrha:** No, I’ll handle it. _-gets up and leaves stage to go after Velvet-_

 **Coco:** So who gets the points for that one?

 **Ren:** I’m going to have to go with Landsharks. They had the better answer.

 **Coco:** Damn it.

_-Neptune shrugs apologetically-_

**Ren:** Well, I think it’s just about time for an ad read. _-pulls out scroll-_ Regular lunch is boring. But when you’re constantly on the go and need something tasty, there aren’t many options. Luckily, KFSchnee has fresh, delicious meals made just for you.

_-Coco makes a few lewd gestures at the camera-_

**Ren:** Choose from a variety of over fifteen different fried meats, including chicken, monkey, cat, and rabbit. And contrary to some persistent RemNet rumours, all of our meat is now 100% Faunus-free, so you can chow down without the guilt. Visit us at any one of our over 250 locations across Remnant. We even have a location where Menagerie used to be; just ignore the protesters outside.

_-Neptune puts his head in the camera’s frame and flashes a million-dollar smile-_

**Ren:** Because we love you guys so much, we’ve got a special offer for you. If you buy ten rabbit surprise sandwiches from us, we’ll give you the eleventh absolutely free! We’ll even throw in a special “Celebrating three months Faunus-free” t-shirt. So what are you waiting for? If you’re hungry, come on down to KFSchnee. You’re family here. KFSchneeisasubsidiaryoftheSchneeDustCompany. _-closes scroll-_ So Neptune, you’ve eaten at KFSchnee before, haven’t you?

 **Neptune:** A couple of times, yeah.

 **Ren:** What’s your favourite item on the menu?

 **Neptune:** Um... Well let’s just say that they specialize in “finger” food.

_-Velvet returns to the stage, happily munching on a carrot. Pyrrha returns with her, dragging a large sack of carrots-_

**Ren:** Oh look, Velvet and Pyrrha are back!

 **Velvet:** Yup! _-takes a bite out of the carrot as she sits down-_

 **Pyrrha:** _-places the sack next to Velvet’s chair and wipes her brow-_ They really should store carrots in metal containers. _-sits down-_

 **Ren:** So you’re fine now?

 **Velvet:** _-nodding, her mouth too full to open-_ Mmhmm.                                                                   

 **Ren:** Great, so we can move on to-

 **Neptune:** _-looking at scroll-_ Hey, I’ve got three texts from Sun!

 **Coco:** Read them out!

 **Neptune:** The first one says, “I’m seriously regretting my life choices right now. Sorry about last week, dude.” The second says, “haha j/k lol fuck it lifes too short” with a beer emoji, and the third one is just a dick pic.

_-Ren laughs-_

**Pyrrha:** Oh my, really?

 **Neptune:** Yup.

 **Coco:** You know what you should do? You should save that dick pic and send it back to him in an hour, and see if he recognizes it as his own dick.

 **Pyrrha:** Well if you ask me, Sun needs some serious help.

 **Neptune:** Aren’t you sort of a therapist, Ren?

 **Ren:** I dabble.

 **Coco:** Imagine hearing that from a neurosurgeon. He’s about to operate on you, and when you ask him how much experience he has, he’s like, “I dabble.”

 **Ren:** That’s exactly why Sun isn’t here. I don’t feel qualified to fix him.

 **Coco:** What Sun really needs is a good lay. Can we just give him Blake for a night?

 **Neptune:** I think Blake prefers her lovers a little, uh, boobier?

 **Pyrrha:** Not the descriptor I would have used, but yes, “boobier.”

 **Coco:** _-sighs in disgust-_ Frankly I don’t know what she sees in her.

 **Pyrrha:** What do you mean?

 **Coco:** Yang’s fashion sense is atrocious. Who wears a skirt that’s long in the back and so short in the front that it doesn’t even cover her shorties? It’s like she has a mullet on her ass. Plus with all that cleavage she shows, she leaves nothing to the imagination.

 **Velvet:** _-between mouthfuls of carrot-_ I kinda like it.

 **Coco:** That’s because you’re hopelessly lesbian.

_-Velvet shrugs and continues munching her carrot-_

**Ren:** Let’s find out what our scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s zero for Team Crosshares, 30 for Team Landsharks.

 **Neptune:** _-pulling out scroll-_ Hey, I got another text from Sun. This one just says, “fuuuuuuuuck me.”

 **Coco:** Well will you?

 **Neptune:** _-shakes head-_ Not even if were drunk too.

 **Ren:** Alright, our next game is Cunning Linguistics.

_-“Cunning Linguistics” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Cunning Linguistics is a game where we give each team a word or phrase from HavenLexicon.com. Each team member will have the opportunity to come up with a definition, and if they get it right, then they get points; otherwise, it goes to the other team to come up with a rebuttal definition, and if they get it right, then they get points. If nobody gets it right, then I don’t know, I guess I’ll give points to Velvet.

_-Velvet gives a joyful little clap, a carrot dangling from her mouth-_

**Neptune:** Aw, can I have points too?

 **Ren:** Sure, you can have a point. Give one point to Neptune.

 **Pyrrha:** Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but it really complicates matters for the booth when you randomly assign points like that.

 **Ren:** It’s my show, Pyrrha; I’ll do as I please.

 **Pyrrha:** That’s not exactly true, Ren; I’m the producer.

 **Neptune:** Dude, you’re going drunk with power.

 **Ren:** Am I? In that case, I’m taking away your point, Neptune.

 **Neptune:** Dude, be cool.

 **Ren:** Nope.

 **Coco:** Haha, suckers!

_-Velvet gives a little clap of joy, with the thin end of her carrot inside her mouth and the thick end outside-_

**Pyrrha:** Velvet, you might want to hold your carrot in your hand.

 **Velvet:** _-pulling the carrot from her mouth with a pop-_ Why? What’s wrong?

 **Neptune:** It looks kinda, uh, suggestive?

 **Coco:** It looks like you’re sucking a cock.

_-Velvet drops her carrot in her lap and claps her hands over her mouth in horror-_

**Coco:** I don’t know why you’re so embarrassed. You have really good technique. For a lesbo, I mean.

 **Velvet:** That’s not what I want to be good at!

 **Coco:** So what do you want to be good at? Muffdiving? Motorboating?

 **Neptune:** Yeah, how good _are_ you at motorboating titties?

 **Pyrrha:** Neptune!

 **Neptune:** What? I’m curious.

 **Ren:** At this stage, I’m curious too.

 **Neptune:** Well, Velvet, are you good at motorboating?

 **Coco:** Come on, I know you totally want to bury your face in Yang’s chest and just go to town.

_-Pyrrha facepalms-_

**Velvet:** You know, guys, this is the most you’ve ever talked to me.

 **Ren:** That’s not true, Velvet. We value your contributions.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, you’re cool!

 **Velvet:** You’re just saying that because you feel guilty.

 **Coco:** No, for real, we want to know. I promise I’ll be nicer to you in the future.

 **Velvet:** Really?

 **Coco:** Really. Come here.

_-Velvet and Coco hug-_

**Neptune:** Aww, isn’t that nice?

 **Pyrrha:** _On the Spot_ brings people together!

_-Velvet and Coco separate-_

**Velvet:** Alright, so the best technique for motorboating breasts is to-

 **Pyrrha:** _-interrupting-_ We _really_ can’t discuss this on the show.

_-Velvet frowns-_

**Pyrrha:** _-away from the mic, but still loudly enough to be picked up-_ But if you want to show me what you were doing with that carrot after the show, it would be much appreciated.

 **Ren:** Alright, Cunning Linguistics. Team Landsharks, we’ll start with you. Let’s find out what your word is.

_-“Secondhand Aura” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Your word is “Secondhand Aura.” What do you think that means?

 **Neptune:** _-to Pyrrha-_ Do you have something?

 **Pyrrha:** _-to Neptune-_ I think I do.

 **Neptune:** _-to Pyrrha-_ Alright, it’s all you.

 **Pyrrha:** I believe Secondhand Aura is when you help someone else unlock their Aura. That person has Secondhand Aura.

 **Ren:** How does one go about doing that?

 **Pyrrha:** Well, you take their hands, you close your eyes, and you imagine what it would be like to kiss them.

 **Ren:** Wait, what?

 **Pyrrha:** _-stammering-_ I- I mean, you imagine what it would be like to _kill_ them. And- And then you- you think about what they would have to do to prevent your fatal blow. And that unlocks their Aura.

 **Coco:** That makes no sense.

 **Pyrrha:** _-smiling nervously-_ Aura _is_ a mysterious phenomenon.

 **Neptune:** So how did you guys unlock your Auras?

 **Pyrrha:** I honestly can’t remember. I’ve always been able to activate it since I was very young.

 **Coco:** My Dad activated mine on my sixth birthday.

 **Neptune:** Same here, but it was my Mom, and my seventh birthday.

 **Velvet:** Mine sort of activated by itself when I fell down the stairs as a toddler. It saved me from a nasty concussion.

 **Coco:** How about you, Ren?

 **Ren:** I don’t really like telling this story.

 **Neptune:** Come on, man. It can’t be that bad.

 **Ren:** This is supposed to be a comedy show.

 **Coco:** We’ll re-enact it for you with dramatic poses!

 **Ren:** No, you really shouldn’t do that. _-sigh-_ Alright, here it goes. It happened during the Grimm attack that destroyed my village. I was sitting in the front yard of my home, picking flowers, when a herd of Boarbatusk came barrelling through the town square. My mother ran outside, took me in her arms, transferred the last of her Aura to me, and told me to play dead. I lay there for hours as the town collapsed around me and villagers bled to death. I emptied my mind of all thought and emotion so that the Grimm wouldn’t be able to detect me. Finally, once the screams had faded, I got up, and seeing that my home had been levelled, I wandered into the nearby forest. I walked for about half an hour before I heard a high-pitched purring sound coming from a tree branch. At first I feared it was another Creature of Grimm, but it was none other than Nora, who had escaped to the woods after witnessing the slaughter of her entire family. I helped her down from the tree, and we’ve been together ever since.

 **Coco:** Wow, shit just got dark.

_-A lengthy, awkward silence falls over the studio. Suddenly, Neptune hears a beep from his scroll-_

**Neptune:** It’s from Sun. He says, “Hahahaha, Ren’s such a fa-” _-shows scroll to Pyrrha-_ I can’t say this word on television, can I?

 **Pyrrha:** _-scandalized-_ You most certainly cannot!

 **Ren:** Alright Neptune, what’s your definition?

 **Neptune:** For “Secondhand Aura”?

 **Ren:** Yes.

 **Neptune:** Um… Well…

 **Ren:** You have to give me something.

 **Neptune:** Okay, I think I got it. I think it has to do with, like, the second hand of a clock.

 **Ren:** The second hand of a clock?

 **Pyrrha:** You might want to reconsider that, Neptune.

 **Neptune:** No, it’s like temporary Aura that only lasts as long as it takes for the second hand to go around the clock.

 **Coco:** So it lasts a minute?

 **Neptune:** Yeah.

 **Coco:** Then why not call it Sixty-Second Aura?

 **Neptune:** I dunno. Ask the people at Haven.

 **Ren:** You go to Haven!

 **Neptune:** That’s right. I do. _-grins and points a finger gun at the camera-_

 **Ren:** Okay, so those were a couple of possible definitions. Team Crosshares, what do you have?

 **Coco:** You know how some people are positively radiant? Wherever they go, they turn heads. They have a glow around them. Well, some of that glow rubs off on their entourage. That’s Secondhand Aura. It’s the aura of coolness that someone like Velvet gets from hanging around me.

 **Velvet:** _-munching on a carrot-_ Good answer!

 **Neptune:** Or like the aura of coolness that Sun gets from hanging around _me_.

 **Coco:** _-rolls eyes-_ Sure.

 **Ren:** Speaking of Sun, what’s he up to now?

 **Neptune:** _-pulls out scroll-_ No new texts from him, but there’s a Blip about a “shitfaced monkey-boy humping a streetlamp.”

 **Coco:** _-sarcastically-_ Charming.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what the real definition is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “When you inhale someone else’s Aura and develop lung cancer.”

 **Coco:** What the fuck? How do you inhale someone’s Aura?

 **Neptune:** Yeah, I call shenanigans on this definition.

 **Pyrrha:** Well, in theory, if someone were to burn to ash while their Aura was up, it would evaporate and turn into a toxic gas that could become carcinogenic if inhaled.

 **Velvet:** _-nods-_ It’s like breathing in asbestos.

 **Pyrrha:** Even worse, in all likelihood.

 **Coco:** Fuckin’ science, eh?

 **Neptune:** _-to Pyrrha-_ Wait, so if I were to burn you alive and breathe in the fumes, I could get, like, Secondhand Pyrrha?

 **Pyrrha:** I hope you’re not considering doing that!

 **Neptune:** It’s a thought experiment, jeez!

 **Coco:** Any of you ever lit something on fire before?

 **Neptune:** You mean like a match?

 **Coco:** No, like something you’re not supposed to light on fire.

_-Ren shakes his head-_

**Neptune:** Can’t say I have, no.

 **Pyrrha:** I don’t much care for fire for fire’s sake.

 **Coco:** Pyrrha – not a pyro.

 **Velvet:** Pyrrha the Pyro has a nice ring to it.

 **Pyrrha:** But I’m the exact opposite of a pyromaniac. If anything, I’m pyrophobic.

 **Ren:** It’s true. She won’t even buy Fire Dust rounds for Miló.

 **Pyrrha:** They’re unsafe!

 **Ren:** Not if you follow the proper storage and handling procedures. Alright, I have to assign points.

 **Coco:** Obviously you’ll be giving them to Crosshares.

 **Ren:** Pyrrha’s was the closest, because it involved Aura and another person, so I’m giving it to Landsharks.

 **Neptune:** Sweet.

 **Coco:** Fucking bullshit.

 **Ren:** Alright, Team Crosshares, let’s find out what your word is.

_-“Chuzzwuzzlers” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** What are “chuzzwuzzlers”? Velvet?

 **Velvet:** _-chewing a carrot-_ What’s up, doc?

 **Ren:** Do you have an answer?

 **Velvet:** I actually think I know this. Chuzzwuzzlers are the mozzies that gather to root when a bogan puts a dingo on the barbie.

 **Ren:** I’m not sure I understood a single word of that, so let’s hear Coco’s answer.

 **Coco:** Chuzzwuzzlers are the blisters you get on your hands when you have to carry a heavy minigun around everywhere.

 **Ren:** Why are they called “chuzzwuzzlers”?

 **Coco:** Why is rain called “rain,” Ren? Why is a chair called a “chair”?

 **Ren:** Don’t ask me. I’m not an etymologist.

 **Neptune:** What do bugs and butterflies have to do with “chuzzwuzzlers”?

 **Pyrrha:** You’re thinking of “entomologist.”

 **Ren:** If I studied butterflies, I’d be a lepidopterist.

 **Neptune:** Butterflies can give you leprosy?

 **Pyrrha:** You’re thinking of “lepers.”

 **Neptune:** Phew. That’s a relief. I used to collect lots of butterflies when I was younger. I was worried I was going to have to go live at a Clooney or something.

 **Coco:** You mean a “colony”?

 **Neptune:** Why? What’s a Clooney?

 **Velvet:** _-munching on a carrot-_ Orange Clooney is an actor.

 **Neptune:** Why would I want to live at his place?

 **Pyrrha:** _-facepalming-_ Can I give my answer now, Ren?

 **Ren:** Go ahead.

 **Pyrrha:** A “chuzzwuzzler” is someone who is as stupid as Neptune.

_-audience laughs-_

**Ren:** Wow, that is uncharacteristically mean of you, Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** _-gasping-_ Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

 **Coco:** And I don’t know what came over Neptune. He seriously just dropped, like, 50 IQ points.

 **Neptune:** My meds must be kicking in.

 **Velvet:** What meds?

 **Neptune:** Don’t worry about it.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what the real definition is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Mozzies that gather to root when a bogan puts a dingo on the barbie.” Wow, Velvet actually got it verbatim! Nice work. Points to Team Crosshares.

_-Coco and Velvet stand up to celebrate and cheer-_

**Coco:** Suck it, Landsharks.

_-Coco smacks Velvet on the ass. Velvet blushes, and both return to their seats.-_

**Ren:** And the final word is…

_-“Redirectionism” appears on the screen-_

**Ren:** Redirectionism. Each team gets one attempt for this word. Landsharks, let’s start with you guys.

 **Pyrrha:** _-to Neptune-_ I think I know this one.

 **Neptune:** It’s all you, Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** _-clears throat-_ Directionism was one of the philosophies espoused by the Mantelian leadership in the years leading up to the Great War. Simply put, it advocated for a command-and-control approach to economic affairs, whereby resources would be _directed_ towards developing military power, arguably at the expense of social and cultural programmes.

 **Coco:** What’s with the history lesson?

 **Pyrrha:** I’m getting to my point, Coco. Of course, directionism was abandoned in the years immediately following the Great War, as the Colourful Revolution was unfolding at the time. However, over the past few years, as Atlas has moved to consolidate their military and their education system, we are seeing a resurgence of some of the hallmarks of directionism, albeit not officially on the backs of indentured Faunus labour. Modern political scientists haven’t yet agreed on a name for the phenomenon, partially because it is still unfolding. But I think redirectionism is as fitting a name as any for it.

 **Neptune:** Why does it need a different name? Right now the Faunus are being paid slave wages by corporations like [bleep].

 **Ren:** Neptune, the sponsor!

 **Neptune:** Oh, right. The _Klee Klust Klompany_.

_-Ren facepalms-_

**Neptune:** The Atlesian government is pretending that their hands are clean, but they’re merely exploiting the Faunus via their corporate proxies.

 **Coco:** Wow, Neptune. You sound intelligent again.

 **Neptune:** My meds wore off. Don’t worry about it.

 **Ren:** I’d argue that corporatism is an important distinction between Mantle’s economic system and Atlas’s current one. There’s a vast gulf between Mantelian Marxism and Atlesian neoliberalism.

 **Neptune:** That’s pedantry, Ren, and you know it. Keppel Marx would’ve been appalled by so-called Mantelian “Marxism.”

 **Pyrrha:** There’s certainly an argument to be made that the identity of the agent of oppression, whether that be the state or private corporations, is irrelevant to the oppressed.

 **Coco:** I can’t get behind that argument. Capitalism and centralism are completely different economic systems.

 **Pyrrha:** I’m not saying I agree with Marx, but it’s what he would have said.

 **Coco:** Yeah, but horseshoe theory is bullshit.

 **Ren:** You can’t say that anymore, Coco. _-points to horse Faunus boy in audience-_

 **Coco:** You’ve got to be kidding me. “Bullshit” is fine, but “horseshoe theory” is offensive? Fuckin’ social justice warriors. At least show some consistency!

 **Neptune:** But getting back to the point at hand, isn’t directionism typically defined by its outcomes rather than its mechanisms?

 **Coco:** That’s ridiculous. How can you think about an ideology in terms of its results?

 **Velvet:** _-munching on a carrot-_ Exactly. The same ideology can produce very different outcomes depending on the context.

 **Pyrrha:** Aren’t the contexts similar, though? With the increase in White Fang violence, unrest and instability are at their highest levels in recent memory. In either case, Mantle, or Atlas, responded with militarism and authoritarianism.

 **Ren:** The White Fang was founded _after_ the Great War.

 **Pyrrha:** However, in terms of its effects, it’s similar to the Great Deculturation that preceded the Great War.

 **Coco:** There you go again, conflating movements with their results.

 **Velvet:** Also, “authoritarianism”? Atlas is holding democratic elections.

 **Neptune:** Authoritarian, not totalitarian.

 **Pyrrha:** Yes, Donald Plum is indeed an authoritarian.

 **Neptune:** Hey, so is Hillary Crimson. They’re both jingoistic assholes who are going to start a second Great War.

 **Pyrrha:** I disagree, but that’s not what’s at issue here.

 **Neptune:** It should be! Atlesians shouldn’t have to choose between getting punched in the face or getting kicked in the gut.

 **Ren:** While neither candidate may be particularly favourable, it’s useful to distinguish between militaristic neoliberalism and xenophobic nationalism.

 **Neptune:** You think it’s useful to differentiate between shoving a steel wool dildo up your ass or sticking a ghost pepper in there?

 **Ren:** Wow.

 **Pyrrha:** I think you’ve been spending a little too much time around Sun.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, that might have been a bit much. Sun’s a bad influence.

 **Velvet:** Any more texts from him?

 **Neptune:** _-pulls out his scroll-_ A couple, but they’re nothing but poop emojis.

 **Ren:** Alright, Team Crosshares, your rebuttal definition.

 **Neptune:** _-coming to a sudden realization-_ That’s right! We’re playing a game.

 **Coco:** Like Pyrrha, I think redirectionism has to do with Atlesian political ideology-

 **Ren:** Oh boy.

 **Coco:** -But I think it’s a contrasting ideology, not a comparable one.

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Explain.

 **Coco:**   I think that redirectionism was the movement that emerged in the Mantelian government in response to the Colourful Revolution. It _redirected_ resources from the military back to the arts and the social sciences. The kingdom even changed its name to Atlas to reflect its shift in priorities. Atlesian arts flourished as a result.

 **Pyrrha:** That’s not entirely historically accurate, Coco. Atlesian arts were flourishing prior to the budgetary realignment. The increased funding merely allowed for larger-scale productions.

 **Coco:** It’s not just a matter of scale. Entirely new genres emerged. The Atlesian _fashion_ industry was born. Now Atlesian haute couture is worn all over Remnant! Well, except for Vacuo, but they’re hopeless.

 **Neptune:** By “new genres,” do you mean Atlesian opera?

 **Coco:** That’s one of them, yeah.

 **Velvet:** I heard Weiss singing an excerpt from _Il nome della rosa_ once. It was pretty.

 **Coco:** That’s Mistralian.

 **Velvet:** Oh.

 **Neptune:** Atlesian opera could hardly be called “artistic.” It’s just propaganda. Röte Wagner was a known anti-Faunite.

 **Ren:** While the nationalist themes in in Wagner’s work are undeniable, saying it’s not “artistic” is harsh.

 **Neptune:** It’s because of people like Wagner that Atlas started closing off and building up its military again.

 **Ren:** The Chromatic Accords were signed at the height of his popularity.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, but Atlas still hasn’t ratified the Patchian Compact.

 **Coco:** _Patch_ hasn’t even ratified the Patchian Compact.

 **Neptune:** Patch got shafted in those negotiations, and you know it.

 **Pyrrha:** It’s true. The Faunus relocation programme it proposed was deeply unfair.

 **Velvet:** It would have effectively created a second Menagerie.

 **Coco:** So you’re criticizing Atlas for not ratifying a racist agreement?

 **Neptune:** The Compact gave them the flexibility to accept more Faunus than the quota. It would have overridden domestic laws that put severe restrictions on refugees.

 **Ren:** I’m not sure it’s correct to characterize most of the migrants as “refugees.”

 **Pyrrha:** That’s exactly what they were. Professor Oobleck – who by the way is one of the foremost experts on the Faunus Rights Revolution – characterized it as a brutal civil war.

 **Coco:** Is it really a civil war if it’s fought between two different races, though?

 **Pyrrha:** Most history textbooks oversimplify matters. The Faunus Rights Revolution was actually a deep internal struggle within Faunus communities; it should really be called the Faunus Civil War. In fact, you can trace the divisions that led to the fracturing of the White Fang all the way back to the civil war.

 **Coco:** Be that as it may, the Faunus Rights Revolution only displaced the Faunus who were living in Menagerie at the time. The ones who were living in Vacuo and Patch weren’t refugees.

 **Velvet:** They moved to Atlas seeking better economic opportunities.

 **Coco:** Exactly. They already had equal rights in Vacuo; it’s baked right into that hippie constitution!

 **Velvet:** Equal rights on paper don’t always translate to equal rights in practice.

 **Ren:** Hence the White Fang.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, nobody was willing to give jobs to Faunus that didn’t pay minimum wage. So they left to work for better pay in the Schn- the _Klee_ Dust mines.

 **Pyrrha:** They were, in a sense, economic refugees.

 **Coco:** If we’re calling those people “refugees,” then we’re devaluing the term. They weren’t displaced; they left of their own accord.

 **Pyrrha:** I don’t think we should be playing semantics.

 **Coco:** This is Cunning Linguistics. The whole point of the game is semantics!

 **Velvet:** Right. We’re playing a game. _-takes a bite out of her carrot-_

 **Neptune:** Okay, regardless of whether or not they were “refugees,” they ended up working their asses off in the Dust mines, and those that couldn’t find work in the mines ended up as stagehands in those ridiculous Wagnerian operas, which was ironically a more dangerous job than mining.

 **Pyrrha:** _-nodding-_ A lot of pyrotechnics.

 **Coco:** It’s not really art if you don’t bleed for it. I mean, you should see what my feet look like when I take my boots off. _-winks-_

 **Neptune:** You see? That’s exactly the sentiment we should be fighting: the idea that real art is born of suffering! In a capitalist society where “real art” is what people are willing to pay for, that sentiment commodifies struggle and repackages it for easy consumption by the unquestioning proletariat.

 **Velvet:** That’s hypocritical elitism, Neptune. Who are you to suggest that the general public doesn’t have taste?

 **Coco:** I mean, they certainly have poor taste in clothing.

 **Neptune:** It’s not a matter of “taste,” Velvet! All tiers of culture are covered, from highbrow work like Wagner’s to lowbrow shit like the Achieve Men. All of it sells.

 **Velvet:** I really like the Achieve Men. I’d go straight for Black Pattillo.

 **Coco:** So catchy songs have to be “commodified”? I don’t follow.

 **Neptune:** Whom do you think is funding this shit? The Atlesian government! It’s all just a way to keep the populace placated.

 **Pyrrha:** I appreciate the impassioned debate, Neptune, but you’re starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist.

 **Neptune:** Am I? Who else, aside from the Atlesian government, would be sneaking nationalist themes into their kingdom’s artistic exports?

 **Ren:** You said it yourself: Wagner was an anti-Faunite.

 **Coco:** And what nationalist themes are there in the Achieve Men’s music?

 **Neptune:** Does “Yvan eht nioj” mean nothing to you?

_-Everyone stares blankly at Neptune-_

**Ren:** Okay, I’m shutting down this crackpot hour. Let’s find out what the real definition of “redirectionism” is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “When you point someone in a different direction.”

 **Coco:** That’s it?

 **Pyrrha:** It does feel like a letdown.

 **Ren:** Yeah, I’m not sure how I’m going to assign points here. _-pause-_ I guess I should give them to Crosshares, because Coco’s definition was technically closer, but really both of you were way off. I don’t know what the heck you were going on about.

 **Pyrrha:** Whatever it was, I feel like we emerged more educated and enlightened.

 **Neptune:** Support Burnie Sanders! Hillary Crimson’s going to be indicted any day now!

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s just move past that and find out what scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** We have 20 points for Team Crosshares, and 40 points for Team Landsharks. That means Crosshares, you’re doing the Redemption Challenge.

 **Coco:** Aw, shit. What are you shoving up our asses this time, Ren?

 **Ren:** I’ve never inserted anything into anyone’s anus on this show.

 **Neptune:** “On this show,” eh?

 **Ren:** Shut up. Minus five points to Landsharks. Yatsu, could you bring out the Redemption Challenge?

_-Yatsuhashi walks onto the stage carrying a very expensive handbag-_

**Coco:** _-her eyes lighting up-_ Is that a genuine Louis Verdant?

 **Ren:** It is.

 **Velvet:** So what’s the challenge?

 **Ren:** This is a simple challenge. Velvet, you don’t have to do anything. Coco, Yatsuhashi is going to tear this handbag in two in front of you… _slowly_.

 **Coco:** You’ve got to be kidding.

 **Ren:** If you can manage to make it sixty seconds without crying, yelling, or attacking Yatsuhashi, I’ll give forty points to your team. Actually, no, forty-one. I’ll throw a little bonus point in there.

 **Coco:** You’re serious?

 **Ren:** Dead serious.

 **Pyrrha:** Excuse me, but we don’t have the budget for this. Even with a KFSchnee sponsorship, we would still be thousands of lien short.

 **Ren:** I’m sure Fox and Yatsu went through the necessary channels.

 **Yatsuhashi:** Let’s just say that Weiss is going to have her credit card declined for the foreseeable future.

 **Weiss:** _-from the audience-_ Hey!

 **Pyrrha:** _-facepalming-_ I take my hands off the reins for one episode…

 **Ren:** Anyway, let’s get to the ripping.

 **Coco:** NO! DON’T!

 **Ren:** If you do that once the tearing starts, then you’ll forfeit the points.

 **Coco:** Just… just let me say goodbye.

 **Ren:** _-rolling his eyes-_ Fine.

 **Coco:** Goodbye, little Verdant. You were too good for this world, and certainly too good for this show. May Lie Ren and Yatsuhashi Daichi burn in hell for their sins.

 **Ren:** Done?

 **Coco:** _-takes a deep breath-_ Let’s do this.

 **Ren:** Sixty seconds on the clock, and go!

_-Yatsuhashi begins ripping the handbag. Coco cringes.-_

**Velvet:** Hang in there, Coco. Just imagine he’s shredding a cabbage.

 **Coco:** That’s… actually helpful. Thanks.

 **Yatsuhashi:** You know, this is the handbag that Reese Whitespoon wore on the red carpet last week.

 **Coco:** You didn’t say there would be taunting!

 **Ren:** I make the rules up as I go along.

 **Coco:** _-gritting her teeth-_ Ugh.

 **Yatsuhashi:** Think of the poor Faunus child who lost three of her fingers sewing this bag.

 **Coco:** Nope, I’m ignoring you. It’s just cabbage. Nothing but stinky, disgusting cabbage.

 **Velvet:** You mean delicious cabbage!

 **Coco:** Shut up, Velvet.

_-Velvet frowns and shrinks in her seat. As Yatsuhashi tears the bag, a button flies off and hits Coco in the face, cracking her sunglasses and causing her to fly into a rage.-_

**Coco:** NO! STOP! As your team leader, I order you to stop!

_-Yatsuhashi stops-_

**Coco:** You fucking goon! You destroyed a priceless work of art! How could you? HOW COULD YOU?

 **Ren:** Well you clearly failed the Redemption Challenge.

 **Coco:** We don’t get any points?

 **Ren:** Nope. But I do have a special prize for Velvet for being such a supportive teammate.

 **Velvet:** Is it points?

 **Ren:** No. Even better. _-pulls out a head of lettuce from behind his desk and tosses it to Velvet-_

 **Velvet:** Ooh, romaine! My favourite! _-takes a bite out of the lettuce-_ Almost as good as cabbage!

 **Coco:** You’re a friggin’ weirdo, you know that?

_-Velvet shrugs and alternates between taking bites out of her carrot and her lettuce-_

**Ren:** Thank you, Yatsu, for helping us out with this.

 **Yatsuhashi:** My pleasure. _-salutes and leaves stage, dangling the remains of the handbag in front of Coco’s face-_

 **Coco:** Gah! Why must you mock me?

 **Pyrrha:** I have to ask: what would the Redemption Challenge have been if we had been trailing?

 **Ren:** Why do you want to know?

 **Pyrrha:** I want to reassure myself that it wasn’t something even more wasteful.

 **Ren:** Oh, we were just going to dump a bucket of water on Neptune’s head.

 **Neptune:** Thank God that didn’t happen.

 **Ren:** Let’s remind everybody what the scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 20 points for Team Crosshares, 35 points for Team Landsharks.

 **Neptune:** _-pulls out scroll-_ Hey, I got another text from Sun. It says, “oh shit the cops are here gotta run. tell ren he can gargle my furry scrotum.” _-puts scroll away-_

 **Coco:** Well, Ren, are you going to do it?

 **Ren:** Absolutely not. Alright, let’s move on to our final game of the evening, Impromptu Pitch.

_-“Impromptu Pitch” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Impromptu Pitch is a game where I give each team a prompt from RemNet that has a person, place, and genre. They’re going to play the role of screenwriters and pitch film ideas based on those prompts to me, the big studio exec. They get sixty seconds on the clock to deliver their pitch one teammate at a time, going back and forth, and I’ll call out when they have to switch.

 **Pyrrha:** A collaborative exercise. Excellent for team building!

 **Ren:** Most of these games are collaborative exercises.

 **Pyrrha:** Good point.

 **Ren:** We’re going to start with Team Crosshares for this one. Let’s find out what their prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from @parsleySAGErosemarythyme. The person is Scarlet David, the place is pirate ship, and the genre is adventure film.

 **Coco:** Seems easy enough.

 **Neptune:** Too easy. Are we sure this game isn’t rigged?

 **Ren:** The producer is on your team. If anything, it would be rigged in your favour. Alright, let’s put sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Coco. Sixty seconds, and begin.

 **Coco:** Scarlet David is tired of living on dry land, so he sets his sights on the ocean. He buys a pirate ship, and he enlists Sage, Sun, and Neptune as his shipmates.

_-Neptune cringes-_

**Coco:** And then-

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Velvet.

_-Velvet is too busy munching on her lettuce-_

**Ren:** Velvet! It’s your turn!

 **Velvet:** Oh right. Scarlet goes and buys a pirate ship-

 **Coco:** He already has a pirate ship!

 **Velvet:** He goes and buys a _second_ pirate ship, because the first one was garbage. _-pause-_

 **Ren:** Keep going!

 **Velvet:** When he goes to buy the pirate ship, the salesman asks him if he’d like to get the special two-for-one deal or if he’d like to buy a spaceship instead. So of course he buys the spaceship.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Coco.

 **Coco:** _-to Velvet-_ Shit, we’re in space now? God damn it, Velvet! _-to everyone-_ So Scarlet and the boys take a rocket into space. But they don’t actually know how to pilot a spaceship, because they’re idiots. So they end up spiralling out of control, and they all think they’re going to die, and Scarlet pees his pants, and they crash-land on the Moon.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Velvet.

 **Velvet:** And that’s why the Moon is broken!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Neptune:** Wow, you really pulled it together there at the end.

_-Velvet happily takes a bite out of her lettuce-_

**Neptune:** I gotta call she-nay-nays on something, though.

 **Pyrrha:** “She-nay-nays”?

 **Neptune:** You know, she-nay-nays. Shenanigans.

 **Pyrrha:** Oh. Understood.

 **Neptune:** Anyway, I gotta call she-nay-nays on Mistral being dry land. The whole thing is basically a swamp.

 **Coco:** “Whole thing”? It’s not _all_ swamp.

 **Neptune:** Fine. Like 50% then.

 **Coco:** 50%? Are you nuts? It’s more like 20.

 **Neptune:** I go to Haven. In Mistral. Trust me, I know. _-flashes a smile at the camera-_

 **Coco:** Well you’re wrong.

 **Pyrrha:** Guys, I have a way to settle this. We can just check Rempedia.

_-Pyrrha pulls her scroll out from her pocket. As she does so, her wallet falls out of her pocket and onto the floor in the middle of the stage. Photos of Jaune in varying states of undress spill out of the wallet-_

**Coco:** My my, what have we here? _-picks up a few photos-_

 **Pyrrha:** Nothing! There’s nothing. _-dives to the floor and scrambles to pick up the remaining photos-_

 **Coco:** _-shows photo to everyone-_ Ooh, Jaune’s flexing in this one.

 **Pyrrha:** _-with a fake nervous laugh-_ He’s, uh, training. It’s just regular training!

 **Coco:** _-shows another photo to everyone-_ And this one has Jaune in nothing but a towel.

 **Pyrrha:** I don’t know how that got in there!

 **Velvet:** What do you mean? You asked me to take those photos for you. Though I have to say that Crocea Mors is probably the most useless weapon I’ve ever stored in my camera.

_-Pyrrha buries her head in her hands-_

**Ren:** You just have a crush, Pyrrha. It’s perfectly normal.

 **Neptune:** Yeah, there’s no need to be ashamed. You’re, like, the coolest person I know. Okay actually the second- no, third-coolest, behind Weiss and Yang.

 **Velvet:** _-noticing a folded piece of paper that Pyrrha failed to pick up from the floor-_ Wait a second. What’s that? _-picks up paper, unfolds it-_ Oh, it’s a story!

 **Coco:** Read it out!

 **Velvet:** _-reading-_ “As the Spartan slave girl struggled against her restraints, her tiara askew, she felt a firm but oddly comforting hand on her shoulder. She turned to see her ruggedly handsome blond captor, lasciviously staring at her perky breasts. ‘What say you to me?’ inquired the captor. ‘I will never give my body to you,’ replied the slave girl, though it felt like a lie. _Whack._ The captor slapped the slave girl, and pain shot to her cheek while erotic energy shot to her core. ‘Wrong answer, bitch!’ roared the captor, ‘Try again!’ The slave girl steeled herself. ‘I cannot give my body to you,’ she said, ‘It would violate the Spartan code.’ _Whack._ The captor slapped the slave girl even harder than before, and it was somehow even more arousing. ‘Wrong answer again, cunt! I will give you one more chance to answer correctly before I claim what’s mine by force.’ He wrapped a large, callused hand around her neck, threatening to squeeze. _Whack._ ‘Answer me, you slut!’ Suddenly, something snapped within the slave girl. ‘I’m your personal cum-puppet!’ she screamed, ‘Fuck me like a filthy whore! All my holes are yours!’ ‘Right answer, bitch,’ snarled the captor as he pulled down his jeans to reveal the biggest-” Okay, I can’t read any more of this out loud. This is one of the filthiest things I’ve ever read.

 **Pyrrha:** This is not happening. This can’t be happening.

 **Coco:** Pyrrha, you naughty girl!

 **Pyrrha:** _-pinching herself-_ This is a dream. It must be a dream.

 **Neptune:** So, you have a little crush on your teammate, eh?

 **Coco:** Oh, it’s a big crush.

 **Ren:** A borderline obsession, some might say.

 **Coco:** _-feeling the photos in her hand-_ Hey, these are all laminated! Perfect for a little bit of _relaxation_ in the shower, am I right?

 **Ren:** Now that you mention it, Pyrrha does take long showers.

 **Pyrrha:** Please tell me Jaune’s not in the audience.

 **Ren:** He’s not. He’s in remedial combat training with Professor Goodwitch.

 **Velvet:** _-absentmindedly chewing on a carrot-_ Hey, weren’t you helping him train outside of class? You mustn’t be a very good teacher.

_-Pyrrha starts sobbing-_

**Velvet:** Oh, I’m sorry. Did I go too far?

 **Coco:** _-muttering-_ Stupid rabbit.

 **Velvet:** Hey, I thought you were going to be nicer to me.

 **Coco:** Well, what you said was kinda dumb.

 **Velvet:** Fair enough.

 **Pyrrha:** _-in a small voice-_ Why doesn’t he like me?

 **Ren:** Pyrrha?

 **Pyrrha:** What does he see in that- that white-haired _bitch_? _-immediately claps her hands over her mouth-_ I’m sorry!

 **Weiss:** _-from the audience-_ Apology accepted.

 **Pyrrha:** I just want to know what she has that I don’t.

 **Coco:** Money.

 **Pyrrha:** So what you’re telling me is that Jaune would be interested in me had I managed to negotiate to receive royalties for my Pumpkin Pete’s endorsement?

 **Neptune:** That’s still not Schnee Dust Company money, though.

 **Coco:** Is that why you’re into Weiss, Neptune? Money?

 **Ren:** _-to himself-_ I guess we just gossip about the audience on this show now.

 **Neptune:** It doesn’t hurt. _-flashes a smile at the camera-_

 **Coco:** All I’m saying is that if I were a useless lesbian like Velvet-

 **Velvet:** Hey!

 **Coco:** -I’d totally be going after that Ice Queen. Think of all the clothes I could buy with that Schnee money!

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Pyrrha, have you ever thought that maybe the reason Jaune doesn’t consider you as a potential romantic partner is because you haven’t made your intentions clear?

 **Pyrrha:** I, um- How would I go about doing that?

 **Coco:** As my dear friend Yang Xiao Long would say, you gotta flash some labe.

 **Ren:** _-gives Coco a dirty look_ \- Or, you could take Jaune out for a coffee down in the city and let him exactly how you feel.

 **Velvet:** And that you’ve written some very disturbing fantasies involving him.

 **Neptune:** Maaaaybe don’t mention the fantasies.

 **Coco:** That’s more of a third-date thing.

 **Pyrrha:** So that’s it? I just tell him how I feel?

 **Ren:** Yes.

 **Pyrrha:** _-takes a deep breath-_ Alright, I will tell Jaune that I’m in love with him.

_-applause-_

**Coco:** And that you want him to fuck your brains out.

 **Ren:** Alright, I feel like we’ve accomplished a lot today. We helped Velvet deal with the passing of her father, Coco learned how to be nicer to her teammates, Pyrrha pledged to confess her feelings to Jaune, and I confronted the traumatizing and horrific death of everyone I held dear. This has been a real group therapy session. Neptune, do you think we should try helping you get over your fear of water?

 **Neptune:** Nah, I’m good. _-flashes a smile at the camera-_

 **Ren:** In that case, it’s time for- Hold on a sec, Yatsu’s signalling me from the booth.

 **Yatsuhashi:** _-from the booth-_ I looked it up. Mistral is 44.3% swampland.

 **Neptune:** Ha! I was closer.

 **Ren:** Five points to Team Landsharks.

 **Coco:** Wait, if Mistral is 44.3% swampland, how do you get around?

 **Neptune:** Carefully.

 **Ren:** Let’s get back on track. We were playing Impromptu Pitch. Team Landsharks, let’s see what your prompt is.

 **Pyrrha:** Doesn’t the other team have to come up with a title for their film?

 **Ren:** That’s right. I forgot. Team Crosshares, what’s the name of your film?

 **Velvet:** What happened in our pitch? I forget.

 **Coco:** Pirates in space.

 **Velvet:** Right.

 **Coco:** How about Treasure Planet?

 **Velvet:** _Bodacious_ Treasure Planet.

 **Coco:** Bodacious Treasure Planet.

 **Ren:** Alright, that could be the title of a film. Team Landsharks, let’s find out what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** This one’s from @sauced_b4_noon. Winter Schnee, Atlas, erotic thriller.

 **Pyrrha:** I don’t feel entirely comfortable with this prompt, Ren.

 **Ren:** How come?

 **Pyrrha:** It feels like we’re letting some incorrigible lecher live out his dirty fantasy.

 **Neptune:** You’re the last person who should be talking about dirty fantasies.

 **Pyrrha:** _-buries her head in her hands-_ Ugh, don’t remind me.

 **Ren:** Alright, Winter Schnee, Atlas, erotic thriller. Let’s put sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Neptune, and go!

 **Neptune:** Alright, so listen here: Winter’s at home in Atlas, taking a shower. She’s soaping herself up all over. There are, like, suds strategically covering her nipples.

 **Pyrrha:** Oh dear.

 **Neptune:** But little does she know that waiting outside her bathroom is…

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** A group of... um… ninjas! Winter senses the ninjas with her huntress training, and she surprises them in the hallway… but not before putting on her towel, of course!

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Neptune.

 **Neptune:** But there are just too many ninjas! Winter is overwhelmed, and one of them manages to remove her towel. Boom, tits!

_-Pyrrha frowns-_

**Neptune:** So she’s standing there naked, when General Ironwood shows up to save the day.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** General Ironwood is shirtless, of course.

_-Neptune shrugs-_

**Pyrrha:** He defeats the remaining ninjas, gives Winter back her towel, and takes her to the police station for questioning.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Neptune.

 **Neptune:** Ironwood actually gave Weiss a blouse and a skirt to wear during the interrogation.

_-Pyrrha smiles-_

**Neptune:** But he didn’t give her any underwear.

_-Pyrrha facepalms-_

**Neptune:** So in the middle of the interrogation, she uncrosses and crosses her legs, and for a second, there’s, like, a full-on shot of her bush.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** But Ironwood, who is still shirtless by the way, greatly respects Winter and women in general, so he doesn’t look.

 **Ren:** _-rings bell-_ Neptune.

 **Neptune:** But he still totally fantasizes about her, and his fantasies areevendirtierthanPyrrha’s!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** That’s time! Wow, you two wanted to take that in opposite directions.

 **Coco:** Pyrrha’s just overcompensating. She’s trying to portray Ironwood as all respectful and upstanding, but we all know she wants Jaune to bend her over a stool and pound her ass.

 **Ren:** There’s nothing wrong with that, of course.

 **Coco:** Oh, I totally agree. It’s kind of romantic.

 **Pyrrha:** You have a strange idea of romance, Coco.

 **Coco:** Likewise!

 **Ren:** Alright, so what’s the title of this film?

 **Pyrrha:** Uh… Winter’s…

 **Neptune:** Winter’s Date with Danger.

 **Pyrrha:** Excellent title.

 **Ren:** Agreed. Points to Team Landsharks. The title clinched it.

 **Velvet:** What? We went to space!

 **Coco:** Would you change your judgment if I told you that Scarlet was naked for the entire movie?

 **Neptune:** Hey, wait a sec!

 **Ren:** No, Coco, I would not. Alright, let’s find out what final scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 20 points for Team Crosshares, 60 points for Team Landsharks. Congratulations, Neptune and Pyrrha.

 **Pyrrha:** Thank you. It is an honour.

 **Ren:** You’re very welcome. I think we had a great episode of _On the Spot_ today. We had a lot of emotional ups and downs, but I think we all came out stronger in the end. Coco and Velvet have developed a beautiful friendship.

 **Coco:** She’s still the biggest dyke I know.

 **Velvet:** Hey, that’s not nice! _-in a small voice-_ And what about Nebula?

 **Ren:** In any case, I’m quite pleased with what we’ve accomplished today. Before I forget, Team Landsharks, here’s your trophy.

 _-Ren picks up the Golden Glynda_ _to hand to Neptune and Pyrrha, but the base falls off. Everyone except Ren bursts out laughing-_

 **Neptune:** We’ve been waiting for that since the start of the episode!

 **Coco:** Hallelujah! _On the Spot_ is over! Raise your hands high to the heavens!

_-Ren purses his lips in frustration-_

**Velvet:** Neptune, did you mess with the statue while Ren wasn’t looking?

 **Pyrrha:** _-shrugs-_ Actually, I used my Semblance to unscrew the base.

 **Velvet:** _-laughs-_ Nice!

 **Neptune:** _-pulls out of scroll-_ Oh shit! I got another text from Sun. He got arrested!

 **Velvet:** What?

 **Neptune:** Yeah, I gotta go bail him out of jail.

 **Pyrrha:** Good grief.

 **Neptune:** Later, guys! _-leaves the stage, but not before flashing another smile at the camera-_

 **Velvet:** Well I’ve got a salad to make.

 **Coco:** And I’ve got some shopping to do.

 **Pyrrha:** And I simply don’t want to be here anymore. _-to Velvet-_ Now about that carrot…

 **Ren:** I’d like to thank our sponsor, KFSchnee. I’d also like to thank all our guests. Good night everyone, and may Dust have mercy on their souls.

_-Velvet, Coco, and Pyrrha leave the stage, laughing. Ren stares directly at the camera, wondering how his life has reached this point-_

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO...-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that turned out to have more serious sections than I thought it would. Oops.
> 
> Also, I have no clue why Neptune is a Berniebro. He just is.


	4. "Who Needs Math?" - Neon & Flynt vs. Yang & Weiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the [Off Topic Swear Jar](https://www.reddit.com/user/otpswearjar) on Reddit, I decided to make a swear jar for _RWBY On the Spot_. You can find it [at this link](https://www.dropbox.com/s/1477u7ipggtsvn6/rwby_ots_swearjar.xlsx?dl=0).

**Ren:** Our first team tonight is a couple hailing from the cold lands of Atlas. He’s a virtuoso trumpeter with a mean lip trill, and she’s an EDM enthusiast who DJs Friday nights at the Cerulean Club. Together they make some of the weirdest music you’ve ever heard, but they don’t care, because they’re in love, and they don’t give a damn who knows it. It’s Flynt Coal and Neon Katt!

_-Flynt and Neon give each other a quick kiss while the audience applauds-_

**Ren:** Our second team tonight is burning it all to the ground. Well, one of them is. The other is silently tut-tutting in the background, judging her teammate on her technique. It’s Yang Xiao Long and Weiss Schnee!

_-Yang motions as if she’s about kiss Weiss, but Weiss turns away in disgust while the audience applauds-_

**Ren:** I’myourhostLieRenandwelcometoOntheSpot!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Flynt:** I’m really digging this theme music, Ren. Did you write it yourself?

 **Ren:** Fox did, actually.

 **Weiss:** Finally found a use for him, huh.

 **Ren:** Figuring out who’s useful for what is Pyrrha’s job, not mine.

 **Neon:** Where is she, by the way?

 **Ren:** She’s not in the studio.

 **Neon:** Aw, but I wanted to meet her. She’s, like, the coolest person ever!

 **Flynt:** What am I, chopped liver?

 **Neon:** Aw, you know I didn’t mean it that way, boo.

 **Ren:** So this is the first time we’ve had an actual couple on the show.

 **Neon:** Really? Are there no couples at Beacon? Is everyone there, like, really repressed?

 **Yang:** My teammate is.

 **Weiss:** Hey!

 **Yang:** You totally are! If you weren’t, you’d be riding Neptune’s cock like a motorcycle by now.

 **Neon:** Have you tried it before, Weiss?

 **Weiss:** _-flustered-_ I- I-

 **Neon:** I meant riding a motorcycle!

 **Weiss:** Oh. In that case, yes.

 **Yang:** I took her out for a ride on Bumblebee one time. She yelled at me and told me I was a maniac the whole time.

 **Weiss:** Hmph. _-pouts-_

 **Ren:** _-to Flynt and Neon-_ So how long have the two of you been together?

 **Flynt:** Nearly five years.

 **Ren:** So you’ve been dating since age 13?

 **Neon:** Of course! Flynt’s, like, the most totally amazing boyfriend ever!

 **Flynt:** And Neon’s a pretty cool cat.

 **Yang:** _-pointing a finger gun at Flynt to acknowledge the pun-_ Nice.

_-Flynt points a finger gun back at Yang-_

**Ren:** So we actually have games to get to, but first, welcome to _On the Spot_ , Beacon’s improv game show where everything’s made up and the points matter a lot. We are very serious about points here. This week, we’re brought to you by Spectrum Fashions. Let’s meet our teams. I’m going to start over here on my right. Flynt and Neon, what’s your team name?

 **Neon:** Well, originally we were going to call ourselves Uptown Funk, but that sounded laaaaaaame.

 **Flynt:** So we came up with Rainbow Jazz, ‘cause Neon brings the rainbows, and I bring the jazz.

 **Neon:** But that seemed, like, too stuffy for _On the Spot_ , so we went with… Rainbow Jizz!

 **Ren:** Rainbow Jizz?

 **Flynt:** You bet.

 **Yang:** So here’s a question for you, Flynt: when you use your Semblance and then jack off, does each of your clones jizz a different colour?

 **Weiss:** Yang, that’s totally inappropriate!

 **Ren:** You’re asking him if he can literally ejaculate a rainbow?

 **Yang:** Yeah.

 **Flynt:** Well, let’s just say that things get very _colourful_ between me and my girl in the bedroom.

 **Neon:** It’s a rainbow gangbang!

 **Yang:** That’s awesome!

 **Ren:** We’re not even three minutes into the show. How are we already at gangbangs?

 **Neon:** Dating Flynt is _awesome_. All the fun of a gangbang, _plus_ all the benefits of monogamy!

 **Yang:** “Benefits”?

 **Neon:** Of course!

 **Yang:** Not for me. Can’t tie me down. I’m always looking for strange.

 **Neon:** Then I assume you’ve been gangbanged before.

_-Ren buries his head in his hands-_

**Yang:** Actually not yet. But it’s on my bucket list!

 **Neon:** See? This is why I love hanging out with Yang!

 **Yang:** Don’t you mean, “yanging out”?

_-Neon laughs. Weiss facepalms-_

**Ren:** Didn’t you guys fight each other at the Vytal Festival?

 **Neon:** Yeah, and now we’re BFFs!

 **Weiss:** I’m sure your professors back home in Atlas would be most displeased with your conduct today.

 **Flynt:** Well they can suck it.

 **Neon:** Aw, Flinty, then there’s going to be nothing left for me to suck. _-fake pouting-_

 **Flynt:** Aw, boo, you know that Neon’s Special Lollipop is always just for you.

 **Neon:** Really? All for me? In that case, I can’t wait to put that lollipop in my mouth tonight.

 **Ren:** _-facepalming-_ Oh Dust, I thought that bringing a loving couple onto the show would be a positive influence on Beacon’s student body, but I now regret that decision. If this is what a healthy relationship looks like, then I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Yang:** Oh man, I am totally loving this. I’m so glad you brought these guys on.

 **Ren:** They’re talking dirty right in front of us right now!

 **Yang:** What’s wrong with that?

 **Ren:** _-facepalms-_ You know what? Forget it. What’s your guys’ team name?

 **Yang:** Oh, we’re Team Freezerburn.

 **Weiss:** Yang! I was going to build up to it.

 **Yang:** Sorry, Weiss.

 **Ren:** _-a little dismayed-_ Freezerburn?

 **Weiss:** Is something wrong with our team name, Ren?

 **Ren:** No, I was just reminded of last week when I told Nora to put some chicken in our freezer, but she didn’t seal the container properly, and when I took it out, there was freezer burn all over the meat.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Yang:** It’s just a little dry; it’s still edible.

 **Weiss:** You know, Ren, you wouldn’t run into that problem if you used a Dust-powered freezer instead of an old-fashioned electrical one.

 **Neon:** Those are expensive!

 **Flynt:** Yeah, not everyone’s made of money like you, Schnee.

 **Weiss:** _-sarcastically-_ Well excuuuuse me for making a suggestion!

 **Yang:** Yeah, go easy on Weiss. She’s making progress! She just got back from Faunus Sensitivity Training.

 **Weiss:** Indeed, after five days of intense course work, I have learned how to be an ally to the Faunus. Neon, you’ll notice that I haven’t yet commented on your additional, ahem, appendage.

 **Neon:** Oh, you mean my tail?

 **Weiss:** I was informed that the term “tail” is offensive. Are you sure you’re not suffering from internalized Faunophobia?

 **Neon:** _-brings her tail into her lap, strokes it-_ No way, I love my tail! It’s so useful. Like, when Flynt is drilling me doggy-style-

_-Weiss claps her hands over her mouth in horror-_

**Neon:** -I take my tail, loop it around his back, and stick the end right in his butt.

 **Yang:** Gotta get that prostate going!

 **Flynt:** You bet, Yang.

_-Ren is practically gagging-_

**Weiss:** Neon, you can’t use the term “doggy-style”; it’s offensive to canine Faunus!

 **Yang:** What’s she supposed to say instead?

 **Flynt:** You know, Schnee, I don’t think you have a problem with the term “doggy-style”; I think you’re just a prude.

 **Weiss:** Nonsense! I am well-versed in matters of human sexuality.

 **Neon:** Really? When was your last orgasm?

 **Weiss:** _-flustered-_ Well… I… It’s none of-

 **Ren:** Oh for Dust’s sake, we haven’t even started the games yet!

 **Yang:** We could just not play the games and sit here and talk instead.

 **Ren:** That’s my worst nightmare.

 **Neon:** And you’re living it!

 **Yang, Neon, and Flynt:** Ba da ba ba baaa… I’m livin’ it!

_-Ren facepalms-_

**Weiss:** You know, KFSchnee – a subsidiary of the Schnee Dust Company – could sue you for unauthorized use of their jingle.

 **Flynt:** Well we changed a word, so it counts as parody, and therefore it falls under fair use, Schnee.

 **Neon:** Ooh, look at fancy Mr. Lawyerpants here. Isn’t he sexy? _-makes a kissy face at Flynt-_

 **Ren:** Alright, stop. Stop. Just stop. _-deep breath-_ Okay, we have team names. If you want to send Blips their way, use the hashtags #rainbowjizz and #freezerburn. Now let’s move to our first game, Cunning Linguistics.

_-“Cunning Linguistics” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Cunning Linguistics is a game where we went to HavenLexicon.com and picked out a bunch of words or phrases. Each team will get two opportunities to come up with a definition for a word, and if they get it right, they get points, and if they don’t get it right, it goes to the other team to come up with a rebuttal definition. If nobody gets it right, then I give points to whichever definition makes me feel least dead inside.

 **Yang:** Aw, Ren, you’re not dead inside! I’m sure there’s a heart in there somewhere.

 **Ren:** After today, I’m not so sure.

 **Yang:** What makes you say that?

 **Ren:** I saw a couple in love, and it made me want to gag.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Neon:** We could bang one out on set right now, if you’d like. _-stage whisper-_ Flynt’s kind of an exhibitionist.

 **Flynt:** What can I say? I like an audience.

_-audience cheers-_

**Ren:** No, don’t clap for that!

 **Neon:** Who wants to see Flynt take off his shirt?

_-audience cheers even louder-_

**Weiss:** Oh, this is so getting taken off the air.

 **Flynt:** How did this get on the air in the first place?

 **Yang:** Funny story: Professor Ozpin decided we all needed to go through “media literacy” training to graduate. So now we’re basically running a production company. Ren hosts a game show and does graphic design. Jaune does an ASMR podcast. Velvet’s always videotaping us and then making cartoons of us later; it’s really weird. And I get the audience hyped for our stuff. _-gestures to audience-_ Isn’t that right?

_-audience cheers-_

**Neon:** Wait a minute, Jaune does an ASMR podcast?

 **Weiss:** Unfortunately, yes.

 **Neon:** _-falls out her chair laughing-_ Oh my God, ASMR? Have you heard his voice?

 **Flynt:** It sends douche chills up my spine.

 **Neon:** So this is, like, a one-man podcast?

 **Yang:** Yup.

 **Neon:** _-laughing hysterically-_ How does that even work?

 **Yang:** Honestly, I don’t know. I turned out after, like, the first two minutes of the first episode. I wanted to like it, but… you know…

 **Weiss:** It’s atrocious!

 **Neon:** _-returns to her chair-_ Yikes! And is it just him talking, or does he try, like, different sounds?

 **Yang:** Different sounds.

 **Neon:** Oh, so it’s not as bad as I thought.

 **Weiss:** Oh no, it’s much worse. One time he tried to use the sound of crumpling a potato chip bag.

_-Neon and Flynt facepalm-_

**Weiss:** And do you know what the worst part is? I could see the salt and the potato chip dust all over his face.

_-Flynt gags-_

**Neon:** Gross!

 **Weiss:** You’re telling me. I had to see it!

 **Ren:** You know, I’d feel bad for Jaune if he were here. But he’s probably off somewhere with Pyrrha.

 **Weiss:** Hold on, Pyrrha’s not in the studio today?

 **Ren:** Yes, like I stated earlier.

 **Weiss:** Does that mean her date with Jaune went well?

 **Yang:** Wait, you didn’t hear? You mean you don’t know why Nora’s been camping out in our room for the past three days?

 **Weiss:** Well now I do! That’s gross!

 **Neon:** Hey! Sex is beautiful!

 **Yang:** I don’t know if I’d call it sex when you’re letting off over a year of sexual frustration. It’s more like pure, raw fucking.

 **Neon:** Totally! I bet Jaune’s dick is just, like, a big fleshy bruise by now.

 **Yang:** He’s probably past that stage. Now it’s more like trying to juice a prune.

 **Flynt:** That girl don’t give a damn, though.

 **Yang:** Totally. She and Jaune have been joined at the hip – if you know what I mean _-winks-_ – for the past 72 hours. She actually left the show in Fox and Yatsu’s hands again, despite what happened last week.

 **Neon:** What happened last week?

 **Weiss:** They bought a forty-thousand lien handbag, using _my_ credit card, and tore it to shreds onstage. Daddy was most displeased.

 **Yatsuhashi:** Hey, we’re more than capable of running this show.

_-right on cue, Zwei runs onstage-_

**Yang:** Hey, it’s Zwei!

_-Zwei hops onto Weiss’s lap-_

**Weiss:** _-nuzzling Zwei-_ Aw, who’s a good doggie? Yes you are, yes you are!

 **Neon:** So much for being in control of the show.

 **Yang:** Don’t worry, Zwei’s a good dog. He won’t cause a fuss. Hand him here, Weiss.

_-Weiss hands Zwei to Yang. Zwei settles comfortably in Yang’s lap. Yang gently strokes his fur-_

**Flynt:** Damn, that’s one adorable dog.

_-Zwei barks happily-_

**Ren:** Guys, we have a game to play!

 **Yang:** Oh, you mean you don’t want to talk about your teammates having sex?

 **Ren:** Don’t remind me. Alright, Team Rainbow Jizz, let’s find out what your first word is.

_-“Emoji marathon” appears on screen. Neon’s eyes light up-_

**Ren:** “Emoji marathon.”

 **Neon:** Ooh, I know this one! Pick me! Pick me!

 **Ren:** Alright, Neon, what’s an “emoji marathon”?

 **Neon:** An emoji marathon is when you send a text with every single emoji on your scroll!

 **Weiss:** Why would someone do that?

 **Neon:** Because it’s awesome!

 **Flynt:** Neon sends me an emoji marathon every day. That’s how I know that it’s time to get busy.

 **Neon:** Yeah you do!

_-Neon and Flynt high five-_

**Ren:** Alright, I’m going nip this conversation in the bud before I have to hear any more about your twisted sex life. Flynt, do you have a definition for me?

 **Flynt:** Nah, I trust my girl. She’s got it.

 **Ren:** You’re not even going to try?

 **Flynt:** Nope.

 **Ren:** You’ve got to give me something.

 **Flynt:** Fine. It’s a smiley race.

 **Ren:** What’s a “smiley race”?

 **Flynt:** Nah, that’s all you’re getting.

 **Ren:** Fine. Whatever. Neon got it right, so you guys get points.

 **Weiss:** Wait. Don’t we get a chance to rebut?

 **Ren:** Neon got it right. There’s no way you could have won.

 **Yang:** Yeah, but you gotta maintain the illusion.

 **Weiss:** Plus I don’t believe that Neon got it _exactly_ right.

 **Ren:** _-irritated-_ Really? Well let’s see the definition then.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “A text message that includes every single emoji on your scroll.” See? Neon got it right.

 **Weiss:** She didn’t use the exact same wording as the listed definition. We could have given that definition verbatim.

 **Ren:** It wouldn’t matter. Neon got it right first.

 **Weiss:** Exactitude should be valued over speed!

 **Yang:** _-absentmindedly stroking Zwei’s fur-_ Weiss, I think this is what they call a “lost cause.”

 **Weiss:** Don’t patronize me, Yang!

 **Ren:** Well let’s give you a chance to score some points and find out what your word is.

_-“combat skirtosis” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Alright, “combat skirtosis.” What do you think that means?

 **Weiss:** Since I wear a combat skirt, I think I can answer the question. Combat skirtosis is the act of using the movement of one’s combat skirt to distract the enemy.

 **Ren:** How is that distracting?

 **Weiss:** You know, the swaying of the skirt as your hips move. It can be distracting!

 **Neon:** So what? You use your feminine wiles?

_-everyone laughs-_

**Weiss:** Why is everyone laughing? I have feminine wiles!

 **Yang:** Come on Weiss, you’re even more sexless than my sister, and that’s saying something.

 **Ruby:** _-from the audience-_ It feels good when I touch my fun button!

 **Weiss:** I’m not sexless! I do watch the occasional pornographic video.

_-stunned silence-_

**Weiss:** What? I’m eighteen. It’s legal!

 **Neon:** Oh my God, we got Weiss to admit she watches porn!

 **Weiss:** _-her face turning red-_ You… you tricked me!

_-Neon shrugs-_

**Flynt:** So what are you into, Schnee?

 **Neon:** I bet she loves watching Faunus porn.

 **Flynt:** Nah, human-on-Faunus porn.

 **Yang:** She probably has a folder full of videos of tiny Atlesian girls getting drilled by really buff duck Faunus dudes with, like, massive corkscrew dicks.

 **Weiss:** The… the contents of my scroll are none of your business!

 **Yang:** Everyone’s got a porn folder, Weiss. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I bet even Ren has one.

 **Ren:** It’s true. I do.

 **Neon:** Is it just pictures of Nora?

 **Ren:** Could be.

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Woohoo!

 **Flynt:** Ours is pictures of each other. _-points to Neon-_

 **Ren:** I can’t tell if that’s romantic or weird.

 **Neon:** It’s hot! That’s what it is.

 **Flynt:** Damn straight.

 **Ren:** _-skeptically-_ Sure. _-to Yang-_ Alright Yang, you also need to provide a definition. What’s combat skirtosis?

 **Yang:** Man, I don’t fucking know.

 **Ren:** You had that whole conversation to come up with a definition, and you still couldn’t make some crap up?

 **Yang:** I’m a spur-of-the-moment thinker, Ren; I don’t plan!

_-Ren facepalms-_

**Yang:** Oh, I think I’ve got something. I think it’s like halitosis, but with a combat skirt.

 **Ren:** Wait, how does that work?

 **Yang:** So you know how some people don’t scrub their tongue, and so they have bad breath? Well some people don’t clean their crotch properly, and so it kind of stinks down there. And then that stink spreads to what they’re wearing, and when their combat skirt sort of flutters in the wind, it wafts the stench, and you can smell it from, like, twenty feet away.

 **Neon:** Oh my God, I actually have a story about that!

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Let’s hear it.

 **Neon:** So a couple of years ago, Flynt and I were having sex before a practice match, and it was so totally amazing that we lost track of time, and Flynt came inside me, like, thirty seconds before the start of the match. So I didn’t have any time to clean up, and Flynt’s cum was, like, still inside me.

 **Weiss:** Oh God!

 **Neon:** So we’re about to fight these two total lamewads from Shade, and one of them’s a bloodhound Faunus. So he, like, sniffs the air just when the match starts, and he’s like, “Do I smell semen?” And I’m all like, “Heck yeah you do!” And then I wink, and it so totally messed with him! He was like, “Holy shit! That chick has a dick, and she just jizzed her skirt!” And I totally played along, and it fucked them up so badly that we completely obliterated them!

_-Zwei barks happily-_

**Yang:** That’s awesome.

 **Flynt:** So now, Neon and I like to bang one out before a match, just to mess with the other team.

 **Ren:** Well, that’s certainly something.

 **Yang:** Don’t you mean “cumthing”?

 **Ren:** Minus five points for that pun.

 **Weiss:** _-sarcastically-_ Way to go, Yang.

 **Ren:** Alright, Rainbow Jizz, do you have a rebuttal definition?

 **Neon:** Aw, I liked Yang’s definition. Can we just steal hers?

 **Ren:** You have to come up with your own.

 **Neon:** Alright, combat skirtosis is when you win a match and your super-hot boyfriend comes up to you right after and he rips off your combat skirt and you have sex.

 **Flynt:** Makes sense to me.

 **Weiss:** So let me get this straight: you have sex before _and_ after matches?

 **Flynt:** We have a lot of sex, Schnee.

 **Ren:** I’d appreciate if we could tone down the sex talk just a little bit. Professor Ozpin could be watching this.

 **Yang:** Never going to happen, Ren.

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Alright, let’s find out what the real definition is.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Using a combat skirt to conceal a fat Faunus tail.”

 **Flynt:** Huh, I don’t get it.

 **Neon:** Me neither.

 **Weiss:** Are you sure you entered the correct definition, Ren?

 **Ren:** First of all, yes, and second of all, that’s Fox’s job.

 **Yang:** Wait, how do you guys not get it?

 **Weiss:** What do you mean?

 **Yang:** I mean, the combat skirt part is obvious, right? And kurtosis measures whether a distribution has fat tails-

 **Weiss:** What do you mean, “a distribution”?

 **Yang:** Like a statistical distribution.

 **Flynt:** No one said there would be math.

 **Yang:** Come on guys, this is like, common knowledge!

 **Ren:** Yes, I’m surprised you don’t know what Yang is talking about.

 **Yang:** Yeah, doesn’t Atlas have, like, the best scientists and engineers in Remnant? What did they teach you in school?

 **Weiss:** Oh, we don’t learn math after age 10 if we go to combat school.

 **Flynt:** Yeah, once you decide what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, the Atlesian government makes sure you pour all your time and energy into it.

 **Neon:** We don’t have time for other subjects. Besides, math is totally lame!

 **Yang:** I mean, yeah, but you still need it.

 **Flynt:** What for? I got a calculator app on my scroll.

 **Yang:** Okay, what’s eight times nine?

 **Flynt:** I don’t know. My scroll will tell me.

 **Flynt’s scroll:** 72.

 **Ren:** Holy Dust, you don’t know your times tables?

 **Flynt:** No, I know useful things, like the exact location of each of a King Taijitu’s seventeen weak spots.

 **Yang:** Can you even count to seventeen?

 **Flynt:** _-ponders for a moment-_ I’d have to think about it.

 **Ren:** I’m at a loss, Yang.

 **Yang:** I know. It feels like we’re in some sort of bizarro world.

 **Flynt:** Them’s the breaks, Xiao Long.

 **Ren:** Alright, I need to assign points. You all mentioned combat skirts, but none of you mentioned Faunus tails.

 **Weiss:** Ahem, “appendage.”

 **Ren:** Whatever. None of you mentioned any Faunus traits, so you’re all equally wrong. So I’m going to give points to Yang because at least she knows her times tables.

 **Neon:** Wow, that might literally be, like, the first time someone has ever benefited from math.

 **Yang:** You can’t be serious.

 **Ren:** Let’s move on from this discussion before I lose faith in humanity.

 **Yang:** Too late for that!

 **Ren:** Let’s see what the third word is.

_-“Dirty turkey” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Your word is “dirty turkey.” Each team gets only one attempt for this one. Rainbow Jizz, starting with you. Do you have a definition for me?

 **Flynt:** I don’t know, sounds pretty self-explanatory to me.

 **Neon:** Yeah, it’s a turkey that’s dirty. What more do you want?

 **Ren:** An actual definition and some benzodiazepines would be nice.

 **Flynt:** Alright, I got one for you. A dirty turkey is like a jive turkey, but they keep making excuses for why they don’t shower.

 **Neon:** Ew, that’s gross!

 **Flynt:** Well sometimes you don’t shower after we get busy.

 **Neon:** That’s because I like smelling like you, Flintypoo.

 **Flynt:** That’s damn sexy, sugar tits.

 **Neon:** Ooh, I get all tingly when you call me that!

 **Ren:** Dust almighty! Freezerburn, do you have a definition?

 **Yang:** I got one.

 **Weiss:** Go ahead.

 **Yang:** A dirty turkey is similar to Flynt’s definition. It’s a person who doesn’t shower, but they actually have an excuse for it: it’s because they think they’re a turkey.

 **Ren:** That’s a stretch.

 **Yang:** When was the last time you saw a turkey taking a shower, Ren?

 **Ren:** I haven’t seen a turkey, period, in ages.

 **Neon:** Isn’t it weird that we eat turkeys, like, all the time, but we never actually see any turkeys?

 **Weiss:** What are you suggesting?

 **Neon:** Maybe the “turkeys” we eat aren’t really turkeys.

 **Ren:** Are you suggesting that the turkey is just a made-up bird?

 **Neon:** No, turkeys are real! But the turkeys we see aren’t the turkeys we eat.

 **Weiss:** That sounds like the most pointless conspiracy ever!

 **Neon:** Relax! It’s just a thought.

 **Yang:** I don’t know; it sounds like something Cinder would do.

 **Weiss:** For what purpose?

 **Yang:** Beats me. I’m not a villain.

 **Ren:** _-looks straight at camera-_ For our viewers at home, turkeys are most assuredly real.

 **Flynt:** Well when you say it like that, I’m not so sure anymore.

 **Yang:** Sounds like you’re trying cover something up!

 **Neon:** Yeah, what are you hiding?

 **Ren:** I’m just going to ignore all of you and read the actual definition.

_-definition appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Using your Semblance to cheat at bowling.”

 **Yang:** Oh, like cheating to get three strikes in a row?

 **Ren:** That’s a “turkey,” so yes, I assume so.

 **Weiss:** I don’t see how _my_ Semblance would help me cheat at bowling.

 **Neon:** Well you can’t have a dirty turkey then. _-sticks her tongue out at Weiss-_

 **Weiss:** How rude!

 **Yang:** Hey, have any of you ever met a turkey Faunus?

 **Weiss:** Yang! My recent Faunus Sensitivity Training has taught me that asking such a question is an extreme faux pas.

 **Flynt:** Never met a turkey Faunus, but a goose Faunus used to work for my dad’s old Dust shop.

 **Neon:** You mean Lavender?

 **Flynt:** Yeah.

 **Neon:** Oh my God, she was soooo cool! She taught me advanced roller blading technique. Now I can zoom across an arena with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back!

 **Ren:** Alright, I have to assign points. Neither of you were close, so I’m going to give it to the definition that didn’t involve semen. Points go to Freezerburn.

 **Flynt:** Man, that’s some bullshit.

 **Weiss:** This whole show is bullshit, in case you haven’t figured it out yet.

 **Ren:** Let’s see what points are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 10 points for Team Rainbow Jizz, 15 points for Team Freezerburn.

 **Yang:** _-sarcastically-_ Wow, we’re off to a great start here!

 **Weiss:** _-admonishing Yang-_ We’re winning.

 **Yang:**   Does anyone ever really win at _On the Spot_?

 **Weiss:** Good point.

 **Neon:** Can we have extra points for being awesome?

 **Ren:** Fine, you can have two extra points.

 **Neon:** Yay! Now we have 12!

 **Weiss:** What? That’s not fair.

 **Ren:** You’ve been on this show before. You know that the points are completely arbitrary.

 **Weiss:** Things have gone downhill since I was last here. We never would have had such filthy conversations.

 **Yang:** We talked about how to milk a cow Faunus and people who fuck books.

 **Weiss:** That was all you!

 **Yang:** _-thinking for a second-_ You’re right. It was. Huh, I’m kinda awesome, aren’t I?

 **Neon:** Yeah you are!

 **Weiss:** Ugh, well why don’t you just go join their team?

 **Yang:** I’m considering it.

 **Ren:** Minus five points for shitting on team unity.

 **Weiss:** Wait, so now the other team is winning?

 **Flynt:** Hell yeah we are!

 **Yang:** Ren just wants to make us do the Redemption Challenge.

 **Ren:** Actually, I just want to do an ad read.

 **Weiss:** Go right ahead.

 **Ren:** _-to Weiss-_ As if I need your permission. _-beginning ad read-_ So, Weiss and Yang, I noticed you two are sporting new outfits.

 **Weiss:** That’s correct. _-stands up-_ As you can see, I’m wearing a strapless blue dress with a tulle petticoat, a white sash, and a matching bolero jacket. _-twirls-_ It’s a sophisticated look for the modern woman. _-sits down-_

 **Ren:** Wow, do you want to do the ad read instead of me?

 **Weiss:** Only if I also get to host.

 **Ren:** No, never going to happen. Yang, I see that you’ve opted for a more casual look.

 **Yang:** Yeah, this is my “I don’t give a shit” outfit, because I don’t give a shit about this show.

 **Ren:** Yes, a racerback tank top with cargo pants and a light tan jacket. Very casual. And where did you two get your new outfits?

 **Weiss:** They were given to us by Spectrum Fashions, of course!

 **Ren:** That’s right. Spectrum Fashions is the number-one clothing store for women aged 15 to 35. They have a wide range of styles for every occasion, from casual to formal, and everything in between. Choose from hundreds of pieces from dozens of Remnant’s best designers, including veterans of the Atlesian haute couture scene. Their clothing is stitched with Spectrum’s patented Dust-threading process, so not only will you look great, but your clothes will be ready to take whatever you throw at them, which is perfect for the modern huntress. And just because we love you guys so much, we have a special discount for you. Just show the offer code “BEACONOTS” at check-out to get 15% off your next purchase. That’s B-E-A-C-O-N-O-T-S.

 **Neon:** Looks like Beaconauts to me!

 **Ren:** _-to Neon-_ It’s Beacon OTS. _-resuming ad read-_ Don’t delay; get your next outfit at any one of their 43 locations across Remnant. Spectrum Fashions: Wear the rainbow.

 **Weiss:** I like that slogan. Very tasteful.

 **Neon:** Speaking of new outfits, Yang, I think your new arm looks super awesome!

_-Yang lifts her cyborg arm. Zwei uses the opportunity to hop back onto Weiss’s lap-_

**Yang:** Thanks! It’s taken some getting used to, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.

 **Weiss:** Aw, who’s a good doggie? Who’s a good doggie?

_-Zwei barks-_

**Weiss:** That’s right you are! You are!

 **Yang:** A few days ago, I discovered it had some, shall we say, undocumented features.

 **Flynt:** What do you mean, Xiao Long?

 **Yang:** It _vibrates_.

 **Neon:** Oh… Nice.

 **Weiss:** So what?

 **Yang:** Take your time, Weiss.

 **Weiss:** I can’t see what use one would have for vibr- OH MY GOD YANG.

 **Yang:** There you go.

_-Zwei barks-_

**Weiss:** You’re filthy, Yang. My father was right; you’re a bad influence.

 **Neon:** Say, Yang, is that arm detachable?

 **Yang:** Yeah, why do you ask?

 **Neon:** Could Flynt and I borrow it some time? It might help us spice things up a little.

 **Yang:** Yeah, sure!

 **Weiss:** What the fuck, Yang? Have you lost your God damn mind?

 **Ren:** It does seem unsanitary.

 **Yang:** What? I assume they’re going to clean it before giving it back to me.

 **Weiss:** There’s not enough rubbing alcohol in the world to cleanse your arm of the sin it’ll be subjected to.

 **Flynt:** Speaking of sin, what do you think Jaune and Pyrrha are up to right now?

 **Yang:** _-sarcastically-_ I don’t know, talking about their feelings?

_-Neon, Flynt, Yang, Ren, and the audience laugh. Weiss just looks vaguely disgusted-_

**Ren:** I’m sure Pyrrha has been putting Jaune through his paces. Though I’m not convinced that Jaune is capable of satisfying some of Pyrrha's more, ahem, extreme fantasies.

 **Neon:** Ooh, this sounds juicy.

 **Ren:** I’m not entirely sure they’re appropriate for this audience. Or any audience, for that matter.

 **Yang:** Oh unclench, Ren. So Blake and I were walking by Team JNPR’s room the other day, and I could hear some muffled moans coming from the other side of the door. And if I could hear moans, then Blake could hear _everything_ , ‘cause she’s got the cat ears, _-gestures to the top of her head-_ right?

 **Neon:** What did Blake hear?

 **Yang:** Well at first she wouldn’t tell me, ‘cause she was kinda embarrassed. But then I got her some fish sticks from the cafeteria and she told me everything. And man, some of it was filthy, even by _my_ standards!

 **Neon:** Ooh, dish! Dish!

 **Yang:** Apparently at one point Pyrrha said, “Fuck my tight little whore cunt, Daddy!” By the way, Pyrrha calls Jaune “Daddy” in bed. “Fuck my tight little whore cunt, Daddy! Fuck it raw like sashimi!”

 **Flynt:** “Like sashimi”?

 **Yang:** Yeah. I think that’s why Blake was embarrassed; she didn’t know if she was hungry or disturbed.

 **Weiss:** Probably both.

 **Neon:** Ooh, what else?

 **Ren:** We really shouldn’t be talking about-

 **Yang:** A few minutes later, Pyrrha was like, “Cum in my throat, Daddy! I want to swallow so many loads that I’m puking up your cum!”

_-Weiss dry heaves-_

**Flynt:** Holy Dust!

 **Yang:** Yeah, that was my reaction too. But it gets worse.

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ I don’t see how.

 **Yang:** Oh, let me tell you.

 **Ren:** Please don’t.

 **Yang:** _-ignoring Ren-_ Blake told me that at one point, Pyrrha screamed, “Shit it my mouth and fist my ass, Daddy! Fist my ass now! Fucking fist me!”

_-Ren facepalms-_

**Weiss:** My God! What the hell is wrong with that Spartan floozy?

 **Neon:** There’s nothing wrong with her! I think it’s romantic.

 **Weiss:** You consider defecating on someone’s face romantic?

 **Neon:** Sure. Why not?

 **Flynt:** We don’t have to do what they do to be happy for them.

 **Weiss:** You regularly have clone gangbangs, but you draw the line at _-swallows-_ fecal matter?

 **Yang:** I believe it’s called scat play.

 **Ren:** I believe it’s called “We’re totally off topic and we have a game to play.”

 **Neon:** Just go with it, Ren.

 **Flynt:** As my girl always says, you don’t eat where you poop.

 **Yang:** In any case, I’m a little worried that Jaune won’t be able to satisfy Pyrrha’s, um, appetites.

 **Neon:** Why do you say that?

 **Yang:** I mean, going from being a virgin to shitting on your girlfriend’s face in less than week is a pretty huge leap.

 **Flynt:** How’s Jaune reacting to all of this?

 **Yang:** I don’t know. It’s hard to tell. He seems happy, I guess. But also kinda terrified?

 **Weiss:** He’s obviously just shocked that someone actually wants to touch his dick.

_-audience boos-_

**Weiss:** Oh calm down, you plebeians. You know it’s true.

 **Ren:** _-sarcastically-_ Really endearing yourself to the audience there, Weiss.

 **Weiss:** They’re not the ones who give out points.

 **Ren:** That’s right. I give out the points. I also take them away. Minus five points to Weiss for being a snooty bitch.

_-audience cheers-_

**Weiss:** Pah! Who needs admiration when you have money?

_-Zwei growls-_

**Weiss:** Zwei’s getting a little feisty. _-hands Zwei over to Yang-_ Here, you hold him.

 **Ren:** And that’s the perfect opening for me to introduce the next game.

 **Flynt:** In the five years that Neon and I have been dating, I’ve learned a lot about perfect openings.

_-Audience laughs. Ren facepalms-_

**Ren:** _-mumbling to himself-_ Why do I even try? _-aloud-_ Our next game is The B-Team.

_-“The B-Team” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** The B-Team is a game where each team will be given a drawing of an original comic book character, and you’ll have sixty seconds to come up with origins, names, motivations, powers, backstories, etc. for your characters. Do you think you can manage that?

 **Flynt:** Of course.

 **Weiss:** I feel like you’re underestimating us, Ren.

 **Neon:** Or maybe he’s using, like, reverse psychology, so he’s, like, tricking us into trying super-hard by telling us that we don’t measure up even though we so totally do!

 **Yang:** Yeah, just a heads-up: I’m probably going to fuck this up on purpose.

 **Ren:** That sounds like Blake’s attitude. Please don’t tell me she’s rubbing off on you.

 **Yang:** Man, I wish. _-winks-_

 **Ren:** Alright, Team Freezerburn, let’s see what your picture is.

_-_ [ _drawing of stick figure_ ](http://imgur.com/a/R29wh) _appears on screen-_

**Weiss:** That’s just a stick figure.

 **Yang:** Why is she holding a mug?

 **Ren:** I don’t know. That’s for you to tell me.

 **Weiss:** I was expecting some quality artwork, Ren. I’m very disappointed.

 **Ren:** You’ve been on this show before. You know that quality is not my foremost concern.

 **Weiss:** You can say that again.

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s put sixty seconds on the clock and see what you ladies come up with.

_-ding-_

**Yang:** Okay, this is Lady Top Hat.

 **Ren:** Lady Top Hat?

 **Yang:** Yes, Lady Top Hat. She’s very obviously named. She grew up as an orphan on the streets of Atlas.

 **Weiss:** The hat was a very generous gift to her from the Schnee Dust Company.

_-Flynt snorts-_

**Ren:** What about the mug?

 **Yang:** It’s the source of her powers.

 **Weiss:** It contains a magical potion that gives her exceptional beauty and grace.

 **Yang:** And it makes her super-horny.

_-Neon cheers-_

**Yang:** Like, Pyrrha-horny.

_-Weiss frowns-_

**Yang:** Any time she sees a hot guy – or girl; she doesn’t discriminate – she’s like, “CRUSH MY PUSSY, SENPAI.”

 **Ren:** So the potion gives her a weakness too?

 **Weiss:** Yes, it’s hard to accomplish very much when you’re in that state of mind.

 **Yang:** But who gives a shit about accomplishing anything when you’re getting laid all the time?

 **Weiss:** I do!

 **Yang:** Why?

 **Weiss:** I’m merely concerned that Lady Top Hat is a poor role model for young girls.

 **Yang:** She’s a fictional character!

 **Weiss:** Anyway, Lady Top Hat uses her beauty and grace to charm her enemies-

 **Yang:**   -into having sex with her. And because everyone’s so sexually satisfied all the time, they’re too happy to commit crimes.

 **Weiss:** Wait, how does that work?

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** That’s time!

 **Flynt:** I feel like you two weren’t really on the same page.

 **Weiss:** We rarely are.

 **Yang:** I think we nailed it.

 **Neon:** I think Lady Top Hat nailed it.

 **Yang:** Hey-o!

_-Yang and Neon mime a high-five. Zwei barks happily-_

**Ren:** That was pretty good, Team Freezerburn.

 **Weiss:** Does that mean we get points?

 **Ren:** How many points do you want?

 **Weiss:** Can we have five points?

 **Ren:** Sure, you can have five points. Five points to Team Freezerburn.

 **Neon:** Aw, can we have five points please?

_-audience laughs-_

**Ren:** You know what? Because you asked so nicely, you can have ten points.

 **Neon:** Woohoo!

_-Neon and Flynt clap-_

**Ren:** Alright, Team Rainbow Jizz, let’s find out what your character looks like.

_-_ [ _Weiss’s drawing of Sun_ ](http://imgur.com/a/2AHJE) _appears on screen-_

**Weiss:** Hey, that’s my drawing of Sun!

 **Yang:** Oh, from back when you called him a “filthy Faunus” and a “rapscallion” and a “degenerate.”

 **Weiss:** _-blushing-_ Well, I was less enlightened back then, I’ll admit. But after my Faunus Sensitivity Training, I now fully understand the struggles the Faunus have faced since before the Great War. It’s almost as if I lived through those struggles myself.

_-Neon rolls her eyes-_

**Ren:** Anyway, you guys have sixty seconds to come up with this character’s backstory, motivations, powers, etc.

 **Yang:** It’s literally just Sun. There’s nothing to come up with!

 **Ren:** I can give them negative points if they’re uncreative.

 **Neon:** You _can_ , but _would_ you?

 **Ren:** I don’t know. I assign points based on how I feel in the moment, and right now I feel like putting sixty seconds on the clock.

 **Flynt:** Nice segue.

 **Ren:** Your sixty seconds start now.

_-ding-_

**Flynt:** This is Monkeybutt.

 **Neon:** Because he has a monkey tail sticking out of his butt.

 **Flynt:** But he’s not actually a Faunus.

 **Neon:** He’s really an Atlesian genetic experiment gone horribly wrong.

 **Flynt:** He escaped from the lab where he was being held, and now he’s out for revenge.

 **Neon:** The Atlesian government sent some white-haired cunt named, uh, Gleiss to track him down.

 **Weiss:** Hey!

 **Flynt:** But it might be too late, because Monkeybutt has already been causing havoc.

 **Neon:** He stole a whole bunch of bananas from the farmer’s market, and now he’s lobbing his poo at bystanders!

 **Flynt:** That’s his superpower. He can shit at will.

 **Neon:** He just wants to be understood and loved. The poo is, like, a cry for attention!

 **Flynt:** He’s really a gentle monkey-boy.

 **Neon:** But he also has a saucy side. _-winks-_

 **Ren:** Please elaborate.

 **Flynt:** Picture it: the body of a man, coupled with the unbridled animal lust of a monkey.

 **Neon:** He’s a friggin’ sex machine! Like, I’m kinda turned on just thinking of him, and I’m sitting next to the most handsome man on the planet right now!

 **Flynt:** Aw, thank you Kitty Cat. You’re not so bad yourself.

 **Neon:** _-giggles-_ Stop it. I’m blushing!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** _-deadpan-_ Saved by the bell.

 **Weiss:** Well I don’t think I’ve ever heard such a racist response to one of these games!

 **Yang:** Two weeks ago you would have applauded that.

 **Weiss:** Two weeks ago, I was unenlightened, like a common Patchian farmer. Now I understand the meaning of diversity and cultural sensitivity.

 **Yang:** I wish Blake were here so you could see her eyes rolling back into her skull.

 **Neon:** Where is Blake, by the way?

 **Yang:** I dunno. Probably plotting to get this show cancelled or something. _-strokes Zwei’s fur-_

 **Weiss:** I’m glad she’s not here. She would have been offended by the casual anti-Faunism on display.

 **Neon:** Sister, I _am_ a Faunus!

 **Flynt:** And a sexy one at that.

 **Neon:** Damn right! _-stands up and jiggles her butt-_

 **Flynt:** That’s right. Back that ass up, girl!

 **Ren:** Oh God. Just stop.

_-Zwei barks-_

**Neon:** _-sits back down-_ Is something the matter, Ren?

 **Ren:** Just last week, we had a spirited discussion about politics and culture on this show, and now, we’ve regressed back to talking about nothing but sex.

 **Yang:** But sex is great!

 **Ren:** Sometimes I feel like my parents are looking down at me from heaven, watching this show disapprovingly.

 **Weiss:** I sympathize completely, Ren. That’s why I try to bring some class to this show.

 **Flynt:** I’m not sure you succeed, Schnee.

 **Weiss:** _-crosses arms-_ Hmph.

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Well I guess I have to assign points. _-pause-_ I’m going to give them to Team Rainbow Jizz. The whole “genetic experiment” angle was kind of clever. I liked that.

_-Flynt and Neon cheer and then start making out-_

**Ren:** Guys, you’re on TV!

_-Flynt and Neon separate-_

**Neon:** Oh. Right. I forgot!

 **Yang:** You were about to start ripping off his clothes!

 **Neon:** Can you blame me? I’ve got 145 pounds of, like, pure sexiness right next to me! Like, how can I resist?

 **Ren:** After all that, let’s find out what points are.

 **Yang:** Why bother? We know we’re doing the Redemption Challenge.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 47 to 10 for Team Rainbow Jizz. That means Freezerburn, you guys are doing the Redemption Challenge.

 **Yang:** Like I said.

 **Weiss:** What disgusting garbage are you making us eat this week?

 **Ren:** You’re not eating anything this week.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Ren:** Instead, you’ll be completing a trivia challenge.

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Laaaaaaame!

 **Yang:** Ugh, it’s like I’m back in school.

 **Ren:** You’re at Beacon right now!

 **Yang:** You really think _this_ _-gestures to the set-_ is education?

 **Ren:** In a way, yes. Learning is a lifelong process.

 **Weiss:** Personally, I don’t think there’s anything to be learned after age twenty-one.

 **Ren:** You’re eighteen, Weiss; you still have three more years to learn.

 **Weiss:** As if I could learn anything from _you_. I prefer to receive my instruction from the best, like Professors Goodwitch and Port.

 **Yang:** You mean the porn star and the guy who spends entire lectures staring at my chest?

 **Ren:**   Ahem. _Former_ porn star.

 **Weiss:** Well when you put it like _that_ …

 **Ren:** Anyway, let’s get this Redemption Challenge started. The way this is going to work is you’ll each get an opportunity to answer ten questions about Remnant history.

 **Flynt:** _-imitating Ren-_ This episode is brought to you by Bartholomew Oobleck.

_-audience laughs-_

**Weiss:** Ooh, I adore history!

 **Neon:** Neeeeeeerd!

_-Yang sighs-_

**Ren:** Anyway, if one of you gets it right, you get five points. If both of you get it wrong, then… Yatsuhashi, could you come out here, please?

_-Yatsuhashi comes onstage carrying a bucket full of ping pong balls-_

**Ren:** If you both get it wrong, Flynt and Neon get to lob ping pong balls at you.

_-Yatsuhashi leaves the bucket between Flynt and Neon and walks offstage. Zwei leaps to Ren’s desk-_

**Weiss:** This is incredibly unsafe, Ren!

 **Ren:** You have Aura. Use it.

_-Zwei barks-_

**Yang:** Don’t worry, Weiss. I’m sure you’ll get them all right; you actually paid attention in Oobleck’s class.

 **Weiss:** This is a lot of pressure.

 **Yang:** Perfect! Ren, what’s our first question?

 **Ren:** Alright, question number one: Which Mantelian general led the army at the Battle of Five Arms?

 **Weiss:** Oh, I know this one. It was General Calum Braddock.

 **Ren:** Correct. Next question. The death of which Mistralian councillor at the hands of Grove rebels led to the dissolution of the informal ceasefire between Vale and Mistral during the Great War?

 **Weiss:** I… don’t know. I can’t believe I don’t know!

 **Yang:** Um, I think I might know this one. I heard my Uncle Qrow mention her once when he was talking about the “hottest babes in history.” Was it Sarah Shaw?

 **Ren:** Yes it was.

 **Yang:** Man, people had terrible names before the end of the Great War.

 **Neon:** Totally drab.

 **Weiss:** Very dull indeed.

 **Flynt:** Lacking in colour, some might say.

 **Ren:** Weiss, aren’t you a little shocked that Yang knew something about history that you didn’t?

 **Yang:** Having a horny uncle pays off!

 **Weiss:** Whatever. My grades are still superior to hers.

 **Neon:** You know what I want to know? Who the hottest studs in history are.

 **Yang:** Huh, I honestly can’t think of any. I mean, General Braddock was an ugly motherfucker.

 **Flynt:** Decades of inbreeding will do that to ya.

 **Yang:** Speaking of which, I’m surprised Weiss isn’t just, like, a collection of recessive traits.

 **Weiss:** Hey!

 **Neon:** Recessive what?

 **Yang:** _-sighs-_ I take it you didn’t learn any biology in school either.

 **Flynt:** We learned the only biology that matters: Grimm biology.

 **Yang:** Fine, I’m surprised Weiss isn’t fucked up like a Dust baby from all the incest.

 **Weiss:** Hey! First cousins can get married and have kids. It’s not weird!

 **Ren:** Your parents are _first_ cousins?

 **Yang:** Yeesh, I thought they were third cousins at least.

 **Weiss:** Fine, judge me if you wish. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.

 **Yang:** Very.

 **Neon:** Oh my God, I just thought of something: how do you think Pyrrha would react if she found out she and Jaune were cousins?

 **Flynt:** She’d probably think it was hot.

 **Neon:** Ooh, so taboo!

 **Weiss:** I still can’t believe that Pyrrha is such a degenerate. And from the Nikos family no less.

 **Yang:** Degeneracy is underrated. If everyone just loosened up and took their tits out, the world would be a better place.

 **Neon:** Agreed.

 **Ren:** Please keep your breasts inside your clothes. Third question: In what Valian city was the White Fang’s community outreach programme established?

 **Weiss:** I don’t know. I can’t believe they didn’t teach me this in Faunus Sensitivity Training!

 **Yang:** _-shrugs-_ Beats me.

 **Ren:** The answer was Cumberland. The outreach programme later moved to the kingdom’s capital in the City of Vale, but it began as a soup kitchen in Cumberland. The consolidation of Dust processing in Atlas had left the industrial town economically devastated, and so this ironically left the Faunus, who were mostly working in service jobs, better off than their human brethren, thereby creating an opportunity for them to give to the community and improve human-Faunus relations. Silver linings, folks.

 **Yang:** What kind of obscure bullshit is this?

 **Ren:** I never said it would be easy. Alright, Neon and Flynt, you get two shots each.

 **Neon:** Woohoo!

_-Neon and Flynt throw all four balls at Weiss-_

**Weiss:** Ow!

 **Ren:** Next question: Why was the Forever Fall Conservation Trust established?

 **Weiss:** To protect the environment, obviously.

 **Ren:** Nope.

 **Weiss:** _-bewildered-_ Then why else?

 **Yang:** Because Forever Fall is really, really pretty?

 **Ren:** Nope.

 **Neon:** Ooh! Ooh! I actually know this one! Do I get points if I answer it?

 **Ren:** Sure, you can have 5 points.

 **Weiss:** That’s not fair!

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Team Freezerburn for questioning my fairness.

 **Neon:** The FFCT was, like, a tax shelter, right?

 **Ren:** Correct. 43 years ago, when Steven Sapling was the Valian environment minister, he had recently come into some money after a somewhat shady land deal in Eastern Vacuo. Eager not to pay taxes on his new-found wealth, he encouraged the Queen to pass a law making donations to environmental organizations tax-deductible. As there were no significant such organizations outside of Mistral at the time, he enlisted his friend Tobias Auburn to found the FFCT on his behalf.

 **Yang:** So basically he was a crooked asshole.

 **Ren:** That’s one way of putting it.

 **Yang:** Now I know why Blake’s so pissed off all time; history is full of dickheads.

 **Flynt:** You can say that again, Xiao Long.

 **Ren:** _-to Rainbow Jizz-_ Well Freezerburn got it wrong, so you guys get two balls each to lob at them.

_-Neon and Flynt throw all four balls at Weiss-_

**Weiss:** Ow! What gives!

_-Zwei barks happily-_

**Ren:** _-chuckles-_ Alright, question number five: Where was the original Tome of the Vacuan Brotherhood housed?

 **Yang:** The Vacuan what now?

 **Ren:** The Vacuan Brotherhood.

 **Yang:** Okay, now you’re just making shit up.

 **Ren:** I assure you, the Vacuan Brotherhood was very real a few centuries before the Great War.

 **Neon:** But that’s sooooo old, and old things are gross!

 **Yang:** Even your grandparents?

 **Neon:** Especially my grandparents! They smell like dirty laundry.

 **Weiss:** Now that’s disgusting.

 **Ren:** Alright, you guys have stalled long enough. I need an answer.

 **Yang:** Okay, but what _is_ the Vacuan Brotherhood?

 **Ren:** I ask the questions here, Yang.

 **Yang:** Fine. The tome was in my butt.

 **Ren:** I need you to take this seriously, Yang.

 **Yang:** Then tell me what the Vacuan Brotherhood is!

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Weiss, do you have an answer?

 **Weiss:** As a matter of fact, I do. The tome was originally housed in the Iridium Arena in Vale. As any good student of history knows, the Vacuan Brotherhood was founded in exile.

 **Ren:** That is correct. Five points.

 **Yang:** You still haven’t explained what the Vacuan Brotherhood _is_.

 **Ren:** Not important. Next question: Where did the Mantelian Army retreat to after the Battle of Cascadia?

 **Yang:** I have no clue. This is an Atlas question, Weiss. It’s all you.

 **Weiss:** The Battle of Cascadia wasn’t even one of the thirty biggest battles of the Great War. Why must you pose such obscure questions, Ren?

 **Ren:** Because I can.

 **Weiss:** This is unfair!

 **Ren:** Just give me an answer.

 **Weiss:** Fine. Vitria.

 **Ren:** No, not even close. They retreated to Swindler’s Hollow.

 **Weiss:** What?

 **Yang:** But that doesn’t make any sense. That’s on Patch!

 **Ren:** The 33 rd regiment of the Mantelian Army was _very_ poorly trained. Alright, Flynt and Neon, you each get three balls this time.

 **Yang:** Come on. Do your worst.

_\- Neon and Flynt throw all six balls at Weiss-_

**Weiss:** What have I ever done to you?

 **Flynt:** Put my father out of business.

 **Neon:** Been really, really uncool.

 **Ren:** Alright, question number seven: Which Faunus led the Menagerie sit-in in the Year of the Pale Moon?

 **Weiss:** Oh, I know this one. I learned about it in Faunus Sensitivity Training last week. It was John Burgundy the moose Faunus.

 **Ren:** That is actually correct, believe it or not. Five points. Question number eight: What is Patch’s official designation as a polity within Remnant? I need the specific title.

 **Weiss:** Yang, you should know this.

 **Yang:** I mean, Patch is technically not part of Vale but it sort of is? I dunno; it’s hard to explain.

 **Ren:** I need an answer.

 **Yang:** Uh… subkingdom?

_-Zwei barks-_

**Weiss:** Really? “Subkingdom”? That’s the best you could come up with?

 **Yang:** Well let’s see what you’ve got, Weiss.

 **Neon:** Yeah, show us what you got!

 **Weiss:** Well, um, let’s see…

 **Flynt:** _-taps wristwatch-_ We’re waiting.

 **Weiss:** Is it a Special Protectorate?

 **Ren:** Nope, not even close. It’s an A.I.R., which is short for Autonomous Insular Region. It’s actually the only such region.

 **Weiss:** Then why does it need a special name?

 **Ren:** _-shrugs-_ Politics.

 **Yang:** You know what? I bet Yatsu just went to Rempedia’s history and politics section and clicked “random article” a dozen times. That’s how we got this shitty quiz.

 **Yatsuhashi:** _-from the booth-_ I’m offended, Yang.

 **Ren:** Minus five points to Freezerburn for offending the booth.

 **Weiss:** _-insincerely-_ Actually, we love your quiz, Yatsuhashi. It’s very educational!

 **Ren:** Sucking up won’t get you points. Three balls each this time.

_-Neon and Flynt throw all six balls at Weiss. Weiss fumes silently-_

**Ren:** Question nine: Who was the fifth Primarch of Farindell?

 **Yang:** What the hell is a Primarch?

 **Weiss:** And where’s Farindell?

 **Yang:** Sounds like a town in Mistral.

 **Ren:** That’s right.

 **Weiss:** I’ve never even heard of it.

 **Ren:** _-consulting scroll-_ It’s home to about 7000 people.

 **Yang:** Really? That’s what you’re asking us about?

 **Weiss:** Who cares who’s in charge of a bunch of hicks? Next are you going to ask us what Chestnut Sisterfucker’s favourite artery-clogging diner is? Or where Hazel No-Teeth gets her daily dose of crystal meth?

_-The audience is stunned silent. Zwei growls-_

**Flynt:** You’re the last person who should be talking about sisterfucking, Schnee.

 **Weiss:** Cousins aren’t siblings, you dolt!

 **Ren:** You know what? Minus 100 points to Weiss for being a colossal asshole.

_-audience cheers-_

**Yang:** _-sarcastically-_ Way to go, Weiss.

_-Neon blows a raspberry at Weiss-_

**Flynt:** I think you need some Poor People Sensitivity Training too.

 **Weiss:** This is unfair! I’m a victim!

 **Neon:** Keep telling yourself that.

 **Ren:** Anyway, question number nine was a trick question. There were only ever four Primarchs of Farindell. The village switched to a mayoralty system with a town council afterward.

 **Yang:** How the fuck are we supposed to know that?

 **Ren:** Don’t ask me; I didn’t write the questions. Anyway, Rainbow Jizz, you get four balls each this time.

 **Neon:** Sweet!

_-Neon and Flynt throw all eight balls at Weiss-_

**Weiss:** I hate everything and everyone right now.

 **Ren:** Final question: Over the course of her reign, how many manservants did Empress Celestia of Mantle keep?

 **Yang:** Total?

 **Ren:** Yes.

 **Yang:** Weiss, do you have any ideas?

 **Weiss:** Is “manservant” a euphemism in this context?

 **Ren:** Obviously.

 **Yang:** Why would you even need to ask that?

 **Weiss:** Okay, in that case, five?

 **Neon:** _-giggling-_ Just five?

 **Weiss:** Well how many, ahem, pleasure officers does an empress need?

 **Flynt:** _-laughing-_ “Pleasure officers”?

 **Neon:** Just say “sex slaves”!

_-Zwei barks-_

**Weiss:** But that’s so vulgar!

 **Flynt:** So is sisterfucking.

 **Weiss:** Dust, are you still going on about that?

 **Ren:** Okay, it wasn’t five. Yang, do you have an answer?

 **Yang:** Five _hundred_.

 **Weiss:** _-shocked-_ What?

 **Yang:** You can never have too many dicks! _-mimes fellatio-_

 **Neon:** I’d like 500 copies of the _same_ dick! Wouldn’t that be so totally awesome?

 **Flynt:** I don’t think my Semblance could handle that.

 **Neon:** Aww, I still wuv you, Flintypoo! _-makes a kissy face-_

 **Ren:** Let me stop you right there. Yang, that wasn’t correct either. The correct answer was 976.

 **Flynt:** Holy shit.

 **Ren:** Yes, Celestia did keep a large number of manservants. In fact, every time she got a new batch of new manservants, she would examine their genitals, and if they weren’t up to her standards, she would castrate them.

 **Neon:** That’s horrible!

 **Ren:** She kept the eunuchs around as castrati to serenade her, and if they sang out of key, she would cut out their vocal cords. She was a very cruel empress.

 **Yang:** No shit. _-strokes Zwei’s fur-_

 **Flynt:** Well, I suppose if you’ve got an endless supply of penises, you can afford to waste a few.

 **Yang:** _-nods-_ Makes sense.

 **Neon:** I gotta ask: Weiss, how many dicks do you want?

 **Weiss:** Like a normal person, just one.

 **Neon:** Really, just one? Yang, you live with Weiss. Is she telling the truth, or is she being a liar liar, pants on fire?

 **Yang:** Yeah, she’s telling the truth.

 **Neon:** That’s kinda boring. _-frowns-_

 **Yang:** Actually I got a good story about this.

 **Neon:** Ooh, dish!

 **Yang:** So I was having trouble getting to sleep a few nights ago, and I heard Weiss talking in her sleep.

 **Weiss:** I don’t talk in my sleep!

 **Yang:** Oh, you totally do. Anyway, Weiss was talking in her sleep, and at first I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but then I realized she was having a sex dream.

 **Flynt:** About who?

 **Yang:** Neptune.

 **Neon:** O. M. G. What was she saying?

 **Yang:** Oh man, I almost couldn’t believe what she was saying, so I had to pull out my scroll to record it.

_-takes scroll out of pocket-_

**Weiss:** _-angrily-_ You recorded me?

 **Yang:** Here, listen. _-presses play-_

 **Recording of Weiss:** _-static-_ Neptune, my sweet prince, I have remained chaste for you. Now on this, our wedding night, I implore you, deflower me tenderly.

_-Flynt and Neon laugh hysterically. Zwei barks-_

**Ren:** Weiss is shockingly coherent for a sleep-talker.

 **Yang:** Oh, it gets better. _-presses play-_

 **Recording of Weiss:** _-static-_ Yes, Neptune, ravish me! Ravish me with your strong, powerful manhood. _-static-_ Deliver your seed to my womb so that I, the Princess of Remnant, may have an heir.

_-Neon falls out of her chair laughing. Weiss buries her head in her hands-_

**Yang:** Just wait, there’s more. _-presses play-_

 **Recording of Weiss:** I’m so glad we saved ourselves for each other, Neptune. _-static-_ Waiting till marriage made our first time even more special.

 **Flynt:** _-laughing-_ Oh God, I can’t breathe! It’s like a fanfic!

 **Neon:** _-returning to her chair, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes-_ Even her fantasies are lame!

 **Ren:** _-laughing-_ Fifty points for sharing that with us, Yang.

 **Yang:** _-pumps her fist-_ Man, I don’t even care that we’re still in the negatives. That was totally worth it.

 **Ren:** But you did get the final question wrong. So, Rainbow Jizz, how many balls do you have left?

 **Flynt:** _-check bucket-_ I don’t know, about sixty?

 **Ren:** Alright. Have at it.

 **Flynt:** Sweet. _-walks over to Weiss and dumps the entire bucket on her head before returning to his seat-_

 **Ren:** You know, normally I’d feel bad, but, well, it’s Weiss.

 **Weiss:** _-in tears-_ My father will be hearing about this!

 **Flynt:** What’s the worst he could do? Put my family out of business? Oh wait, he already did that.

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Oh snap!

 **Ren:** Alright, after that Redemption Challenge, let’s find out what points are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 52 for Rainbow Jizz, negative 30 for Freezerburn. So, Freezerburn, you can’t possibly win this now.

 **Yang:** Does that mean we get to go home?

 **Ren:** Nope.

 **Yang:** But I was going to go shopping with Blake!

 **Ren:** How would that change anything?

 **Yang:** I thought you’d show a little compassion.

 **Ren:** You _knew_ you had to be here until the end of the show. Why would you schedule a shopping trip during that time?

 **Yang:** What, a girl can’t set aside some time to make sexy underwear recommendations for another girl?

 **Ren:** Nobody said anything about underwear.

 **Yang:** I know. I brought it up. I wanted the audience on my side.

_-audience cheers-_

**Weiss:** You may want to lay off the lingerie talk; Ruby might get… ideas.

 **Yang:** Hey, as long as you’re not flashing labe, it’s all good.

 **Neon:** But labe’s, like, the best part! Isn’t that right, Flinty-Winty?

 **Flynt:** I love me some labe.

 **Ren:** _-facepalming-_ We’re going to have to censor this show. We’re going to have to censor all of it.

 **Neon:** Hey, we’re not the ones who asked trivia questions about sex slaves.

 **Ren:** That was Yatsuhashi’s fault.

 **Yang:** I love how you’re completely throwing your floor manager under the bus.

 **Ren:** None of this would have happened if Pyrrha were here to do her job.

 **Neon:** Speaking of Pyrrha, how many times do you think she and Jaune have fucked since the start of the show?

 **Yang:** Gotta be at least three.

 **Flynt:** Probably just one. You ladies have heard of the refractory period, right?

_-Ren nods sagely. Zwei leaps back into Yang’s lap and licks Yang’s face-_

**Yang:** _-giggling-_ Aw, easy there, boy.

 **Neon:** You think Pyrrha cares about that? I bet she’s milking that dick like a goat’s teat.

 **Weiss:** Like a handjob?

 **Neon:** No, you goof! She’s milking him with her pussy!

 **Weiss:** I wouldn’t milk a goat with my vagina.

 **Flynt:** Nah, you’d just get your underpaid Faunus maid to do it for you.

_-audience laughs-_

**Weiss:** That’s a racist joke!

 **Neon:** He can totally say that. As an interspecies couple, we’re fine.

 **Flynt:** Exactly.

 **Neon:** _-rubbing Flynt’s shoulder-_ You say what you want to say. You don’t let them tell you what you can’t say.

 **Flynt:** Always, babe. It’s alright to have a little human in you, right?

 **Neon:** _-giggling-_ I have a little human in me at all times!

 **Weiss:** Oh my Gosh, you’re pregnant?

 **Neon:** No, silly! I’m talking about Flynt’s dick!

 **Weiss:** Which is in his pants right now!

 **Neon:** I was making a joke, you nerd!

 **Ren:** Minus fifty points to Weiss for not understanding humour.

 **Weiss:** What has this show come to?

 **Yang:** It’s alright; we weren’t going to win anyway.

 **Flynt:** Yeah, just ride it out until the end.

 **Neon:** You said it, Flintypoo!

 **Yang:** You know, we were talking about milking a goat earlier, and I was thinking, if you gave me, like, twenty lien, I would totally milk a goat with my vagina.

 **Flynt:** Wow, you sell out easy.

 **Yang:** What can I say? I’m pretty cheap.

 **Ren:** Okay, I’m confused. Walk me through the mechanics of this. You would use the muscles of your vaginal wall to do the milking?

 **Yang:** I’ve been doing lots of Kegels, Ren.

 **Ren:** Okay but where does the milk go?

 **Yang:** In my vagina. For storage.

 **Neon:** Ooh, ooh! If Weiss were to milk a goat with her vagina, would she be a “Weiss cream cone”?

 **Yang:** Hey-o! _-points finger guns at Neon-_

_-Neon winks at Yang-_

**Weiss:** No, she would be “Weiss with a yeast infection.” My Dust, how depraved are you degenerates?

 **Neon:** What, you’ve never poured milk in your vagina?

 **Weiss:** Why would I do that?

 **Neon:** Sometimes Flynt pours milk in my pussy and licks it out like a cat. He says it makes him feel closer to me. He even purrs when he does it.

 **Flynt:** It’s true. I do.

 **Ren:** Ooookay. This is way over the line.

 **Yang:** There are no boundaries here, Ren.

 **Neon:** Hey Ren, have you ever dipped your dick in pancake batter?

 **Ren:** That’s it. Cut their mics! Cut their mics!

 **Neon:** Nora could suck it off your-

_-mics are cut-_

**Ren:** Thank Dust. Our final game is Sync About It.

_-“Sync About It” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Sync About It is a game where each team will get a prompt and they’ll go back and forth answering it one word at a time in a twisted game of hot potato. Every time I ring the bell _-rings bell-_ , the other team gets a chance to interject with a word of their own to try to throw them off. Does that make sense?

_-Yang and Neon try to reply, but their mics are cut. Zwei barks-_

**Ren:** Oh, that’s right. Fox, could you turn their mics back on, please?

_-Fox gives the thumbs up from the booth and turns the mics back on-_

**Ren:** I hope you all learned your lesson.

 **Neon:** So how do you guys feel about anal?

 **Ren:** _-buries his head in his hands-_ I give up.

 **Neon:** Relax, Ren! I’m just messing with you.

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ Team Rainbow Jizz, let’s find out what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “How to break up with your significant other,” from RemNet user @SteelTree.

 **Neon:** But I don’t know how to do that! Flinty-Winty and I are going to get married and have soooo many babies!

 **Flynt:** Yeah, I’m not cool with this.

 **Weiss:** Well it’s your prompt, so you have to go with it.

 **Ren:** Weiss is right, for a change.

 **Weiss:** Hey!

 **Ren:** Alright, sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Neon. Go!

 **Neon:** First.

 **Flynt:** You.

 **Neon:** Must.

 **Flynt:** Fist.

 **Neon:** _-confused-_ Zwei?

 **Flynt:** Until.

 **Neon:** He.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Yang:** Vomits.

 **Flynt:** Out.

 **Neon:** Everything.

 **Flynt:** That.

 **Neon:** He.

 **Flynt:** Has.

 **Neon:** Eaten.

 **Flynt:** That.

 **Neon:** Evening.

 **Flynt:** Then.

 **Neon:** Take.

 **Flynt:** Zwei.

 **Neon:** And.

 **Flynt:** Fist.

 **Neon:** Him.

 **Flynt:** The.

 **Neon:** Second.

 **Flynt:** Place.

 **Neon:** Because.

 **Flynt:** Mouths.

 **Neon:** Need.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Weiss:** Dust.

 **Flynt:** For.

 **Neon:** Cleaning.

 **Flynt:** Then.

 **Neon:** You.

 **Flynt:** Break.

 **Neon:** Up.

 **Flynt:** With.

 **Neon:** Your.

 **Flynt:** Significant.

 **Neon:** Other.

 **Flynt:** Uhh… Yes.

 **Neon:** Proper.

 **Flynt:** Fist.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Weiss:** What the hell was that?

_-Zwei growls-_

**Ruby:** _-charging onstage-_ Stay away from Zwei!!! _-tackles Neon-_

 **Neon:** _-on the floor-_ What the-

 **Ruby:** That’s my best friend!!!

_-Fox and Yatsuhashi run out onstage to restrain Ruby. They drag her off the set. Flynt helps Neon back into her seat. Yang is giggling the whole time. Zwei barks happily-_

**Ren:** Well that was certainly something.

 **Ruby:** _-from off the set-_ I’ll get you one day, Neon and Flynt! I’ll get you!

_-a door is heard slamming in the distance-_

**Weiss:** How did you start off a breakup with fisting a dog?

 **Neon:** What’s the fastest way to get someone to break up with you?

 **Flynt:** Fist a dog!

 **Neon:** Exactly.

 **Yang:** So if Neon were to fist a dog, you’d break up with her?

 **Flynt:** Sure, but she’s never going to.

 **Neon:** Yeah, the only thing I want to fist is Flynt’s cute butt.

 **Ren:** So you fisted Zwei, and then you fisted him in a second place?

 **Flynt:** Yep, in the butt, and in the mouth.

_-Zwei whimpers. Yang strokes his fur-_

**Neon:** _-bumps her fists together-_ Oh my God, it’s like a fist roast!

_-Yang and Flynt laugh hysterically. Weiss looks like she’s about to vomit-_

**Weiss:** I for one am horrified that you would even consider fisting such an adorable creature.

 **Flynt:** I do it for the points, Schnee.

 **Weiss:** You’ve already won!

 **Yang:** Technically, Ren could take points away from them.

 **Ren:** Yes, technically I could. But I won’t. Let’s read that back.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “First you must fist Zwei until he vomits out everything that he has eaten that evening. Then take Zwei and fist him the second place because mouths need Dust for cleaning. Then you break up with your significant other. Yes. Proper fist.” I like how that ends. “Proper fist.”

 **Weiss:** After seeing that answer read back, it makes sense that Neon would want to harm Zwei. After all, she’s a feline Faunus, and they feel uncomfortable around adorable little dogs.

 **Flynt:** Wow, prejudice much?

 **Yang:** Weren’t you in Faunus Sensitivity Training, like, four days ago?

 **Weiss:** I wasn’t being racist! I was merely speaking about statistical probabilities of canine fear.

_-audience boos-_

**Flynt:** Sounded pretty racist to me.

 **Neon:** Yeah, I love Zwei!

_-Zwei barks-_

**Weiss:** In Faunus Sensitivity Training, we learned that we must be cognizant and accommodating of Faunus traits. In fact, all of you are racist for letting Zwei into the studio while Neon was visiting!

 **Flynt:** Are you seriously pulling a “you’re the _real_ racists”?

 **Neon:** Yeah, that’s not cool!

 **Ren:** Minus four hundred points to Weiss for wasting her Faunus Sensitivity Training and being a dick to Faunus.

 **Weiss:** I just-

 **Yang:** Let it go, Weiss.

 **Weiss:** The points are a joke now!

 **Ren:** “Now”? The points have always been completely arbitrary.

 **Neon:** So if we win it, like, doesn’t mean anything?

 **Ren:** You don’t even get to keep the Golden Glynda.

 **Flynt:** That’s actually a plus. Who knows how many buttholes that thing’s been shoved up?

 **Ren:** Why do people think that others do depraved things with the Golden Glynda? She has always been in my possession.

 **Yang:** Oh, so you shove it up your own ass.

 **Ren:** No!

 **Neon:** Nothing wrong with that. Speaking of, do you think Pyrrha would ask Jaune to shove the Golden Glynda up her ass?

 **Flynt:** Or maybe a Golden Jaune?

 **Yang:** Nah, they only do that in the shower. _-winks-_

_-Flynt and Neon laugh hysterically. Ren slams his head on his desk-_

**Neon:** So if Pyrrha had the Golden Glynda, she’d be able to, like, control it with her mind or whatever, right? So couldn’t she, like, totally fuck herself with it without even using her hands?

_-Flynt laughs. Weiss looks disgusted. Zwei pants-_

**Yang:** Actually, she might not want to do that.

 **Neon:** How come?

 **Yang:** Pyrrha kind of loses control of her Semblance when she climaxes.

 **Flynt:** Wait, how do you know that?

 **Weiss:** Yeah, how _do_ you know that?

 **Ren:** _-sigh-_ I saw it.

 **Yang:** And then he told me about it.

 **Weiss:** What do you mean, you “saw it”?

 **Ren:** What led Nora and I to decide to camp out in your room was that I walked in on Pyrrha and Jaune being… intimate with each other, and I saw my priceless Mistralian coin collection scattered around the room, with some of the coins floating next to Pyrrha’s head.

 **Flynt:** Excuse me, “priceless” coin collection? Everyone uses debit cards now. No one has paid for anything in coins since the War.

 **Ren:** They have sentimental value! At any rate, the coins were strewn across the room, and they were covered in… fluids.

 **Weiss:** What kind of “fluids”?

 **Ren:** Semen and vaginal secretions. And possibly a little fecal matter.

 **Weiss:** _-claps her hands over her mouth-_ Oh my God Ren, that’s disgusting!

 **Ren:** Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered. In any case, my coin collection is ruined, thanks to those horny idiots.

 **Neon:** Aw, is that why you hate love, Ren? Because it ruined your precious coin collection?

 **Ren:** It was certainly a contributing factor.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Ren:** Anyway, let’s find out what Team Freezerburn’s prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “How to slay a giant Nevermore,” from RemNet user @Nooooooooora.

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Woohoo!

 **Weiss:** Oh, we’ve done that before!

 **Ren:** I know. I helped.

 **Neon:** Ooh, Flynt and I slay Nevermores all the time!

 **Flynt:** For us that’s foreplay.

 **Ren:** Ooookay then. Let’s put sixty seconds on the clock. Ready?

 **Yang:** Yep.

 **Ren:** Starting with Weiss, and go.

 **Weiss:** Take.

 **Yang:** Your.

 **Weiss:** Weapon.

 **Yang:** And.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Neon:** Fart.

 **Weiss:** Then.

 **Yang:** Use.

 **Weiss:** Your.

 **Yang:** Weapon.

 **Weiss:** To.

 **Yang:** Attack.

 **Weiss:** The.

 **Yang:** Nevermore.

 **Weiss:** Quickly.

 **Yang:** And.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Flynt:** Slowly.

 **Weiss:** Then.

 **Yang:** You.

 **Weiss:** Use.

 **Yang:** Gambol.

 **Weiss:** Shroud.

 **Yang:** To.

 **Weiss:** Garrotte.

 **Yang:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Neon:** Baby.

 **Weiss:** “Baby”? What the hell, Neon?

 **Ren:** You have to use it, Weiss.

 **Weiss:** How am I supposed to work with that? Neon just killed a baby!

 **Ren:** Too bad. You have to think of something.

 **Weiss:** Uh… Then.

 **Yang:** You.

 **Weiss:** _-has a moment of realization and speaks confidently-_ Oh, heal.

 **Yang:** The.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Flynt:** Nevermore.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Neon:** _-laughing-_ You didn’t get anywhere close!

 **Yang:** Sure we did. We attacked the Nevermore!

 **Flynt:** And then you healed it.

 **Weiss:** That was you guys!

 **Ren:** They were pretty good at messing with you guys.

 **Yang:** Well at least we didn’t fist a dog.

_-Zwei tenses up in Yang’s lap-_

**Weiss:** Please don’t attack any cute puppies.

 **Neon:** Oh we won’t do that right now!

 **Flynt:** That’s for when the cameras go off.

 **Ren:** Flynt, as far as the audience knows, we cease to exist once the cameras go off. Please don’t ruin the illusion.

 **Weiss:** _-sarcastically-_ Right, because TV was _just_ invented.

 **Ren:** I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Weiss.

 **Weiss:** Are you going to take more points away?

 **Ren:** No. Instead I’m going to read your answer back.

_-Audience laughs. Answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Take your weapon and fart. Then use your weapon to attack the Nevermore quickly and slowly. Then you use Gambol Shroud to garrotte the baby. Then you heal the Nevermore.” Sounds like you’re trying to help the Grimm.

 **Weiss:** How dare you suggest something like that?

 **Yang:** Can we get points for helping the Grimm?

 **Ren:** Do I look like Salem to you?

 **Yang:** I don’t know. Maybe if you dyed your hair white.

 **Neon:** Ooh, can we try that, like, right now?

 **Ren:** Nobody is dyeing anyone’s hair today.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Ren:** Anyway, I have to assign points. Both answers were pretty bad, so I’m just going to give points to Team Rainbow Jizz because they’re winning anyway.

 **Weiss:** That’s pish posh.

 **Yang:** Why do you care, Weiss? We were going to lose anyway.

 **Weiss:** It’s the principle of the matter!

 **Ren:** Final scores, please.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 77 to -480 for Team Rainbow Jizz. Neon and Flynt, you get the Golden Glynda.

 **Neon:** Hooray! _-grabs the statuette off Ren’s desk-_

 **Ren:** You know you don’t get to keep that, right?

 **Neon:** Let me pretend!

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ Fine. I want to thank all my guests for joining me here today. I’d also like to thank our sponsor, Spectrum Fashions. To our viewers at home, please don’t be racist like Weiss-

 **Weiss:** Hey, I went through training and everything!

 **Ren:** And please don’t fist any dogs, or Ruby might be very angry with you.

 **Flynt:** Man, you can’t tell us what to do.

 **Ren:** Good night every- Huh?

_-Ruby appears on stage holding a blood-drenched Crescent Rose-_

**Yang:** Wait, how did you get back into-

 **Ruby:** Guess who’s back, motherfuckers. It’s time for revenge!

_-screams-_

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I opted to change the rating to "Explicit," not because there's any actual sex in the story, but some of the descriptions and jokes get pretty graphic at some points. This is definitely the filthiest episode yet.


	5. "Couples Therapy" - Winter & Qrow vs. Glynda & Ironwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the [Off Topic Swear Jar](https://www.reddit.com/user/otpswearjar) on Reddit, I decided to make a swear jar for _RWBY On the Spot_. You can find it [at this link](https://www.dropbox.com/s/1477u7ipggtsvn6/rwby_ots_swearjar.xlsx?dl=0).

**Ren:** If our first team tonight joined forces, they could airdrop frozen treats to all the children in Remnant. It’s a shame they hate each other’s guts. Now the kids are getting nothing but rotten vegetables. It’s Qrow Branwen and Winter Schnee!

_-Winter glares at Qrow while he shrugs. The audience applauds-_

**Ren:** Our second team used to date. He was always breaking things, and she was always putting them back together. Now she drops her dishes on the ground just so she can have something to repair, and he’s always tuning up his arm with a screwdriver, even when it doesn’t need fixing. Maybe the Tin Man has a heart after all, it’s Glynda Goodwitch and James Ironwood!

_-applause-_

**Ren:** I’m your host, Lie Ren, and welcome to a very special couples edition of _On the Spot_.

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOO…-_

**Ironwood:** “Couples edition”?

 **Winter:** None of us are dating each other.

 **Glynda:** None of us are dating, period.

 **Qrow:** Speak for yourself, sugar tits.

 **Glynda:** Don’t call me that, Qrow.

 **Ren:** You’re dating someone, Qrow?

 **Qrow:** _Multiple_ “someones,” kiddo. _-winks-_

 **Ren:** I don’t know whether to be impressed or appalled.

 **Glynda:** Appalled. When it comes to Qrow, “appalled” is always the correct reaction.

 **Qrow:** I resent that, Glynda.

 **Ironwood:** Anyway, Ren still hasn’t explained why this is the “couples edition” of _On the Spot_.

 **Ren:** I was encouraged to bring more couples on the show after Flynt and Neon proved to be very popular last week.

 **Qrow:** I thought you hated them.

 **Ren:** “Hate” is such a strong word, Qrow. They merely made me feel uncomfortable.

 **Qrow:** A little bit of discomfort is good, kiddo. That’s how you know you’re doing it right. _-winks-_

 **Winter:** _-snorts in disgust-_ And to think I once believed you were a gentleman.

 **Qrow:** I need at least three drinks in me before I can even _think_ of doing anything gentlemanly. _-takes a sip from his flask-_

 **Ren:** Anyway, welcome to our special couples edition of _On the Spot_. Our guests this week are all adults, since Ruby’s rampage last week left most of our students out of commission.

 **Glynda:** _-shudders-_ I did not enjoy cleaning that up.

 **Weiss:** _-from the audience-_ It was most uncivilized!

_-The audience murmurs. Most of them are sporting cuts, bruises, scrapes, and broken bones from last week’s rampage-_

**Ren:** This episode is brought to you by _ENTIRE TEAM: A Dating Guide by Taiyang Xiao Long_.

 **Qrow:** Who let my brother-in-law write a book?

 **Winter:** Technically, _ex_ brother-in-law.

 **Qrow:** Don’t rub it in, Ice Queen.

 **Ironwood:** So let me guess, we were the only “couples” you could find?

 **Ren:** Well, I could have gotten Pyrrha and Jaune, but I was worried they’d be even worse than Flynt and Neon.

 **Glynda:** I always knew there was something off about that Nikos girl. She was too perfect. In retrospect, I can see why she would indulge in filth.

 **Ironwood:** Well that’s Mistral calling Vacuo swampy.

 **Glynda:** Do you have something to say to me, James?

 **Ren:** Alright, it’s time for-

 **Ironwood:** _-interrupting-_ I would say something, but I can’t help but worry that two strange men might run onstage and shove their dicks in your ears.

 **Winter:** I don’t think that’s how intercourse works…

 **Qrow:** Come on, Jimmy, that was weak. You’re better than that.

 **Glynda:** You promised you wouldn’t bring that up, James!

 **Ironwood:** And you promised it was only for six months until you got back on your feet!

 **Glynda:** And the Queen of Atlas promised the economy would improve in that much time, but here we are in the midst of another recession!

 **Ironwood:** So you’re blaming the economy for your decision to suck dick on camera?

 **Ren:** We really should-

 **Glynda:** _-interrupting, points to her face-_ These lips paid for your arm, you ungrateful jackass!

 **Qrow:** _-mockingly, to Winter-_ Mommy, why are Uncle James and Aunt Glynda fighting?

 **Winter:**  Don’t call me “Mommy,” Qrow.

 **Qrow:** _-suggestively-_ You could always call me “Daddy.”

 **Winter:** Not a chance.

 **Ren:** So anyway, if I could get a word in edgewise, we have a couple of orders of business to get to before we get to games. The first is team names. Winter and Qrow, what’s your team name?

 **Winter:** Well Ren, before the show, Qrow and I agreed that we should select a team name that represents the both of us.

 **Glynda:** _-snorts-_ I’m surprised the two of you agreed to anything.

 **Winter:** _-ignoring Glynda-_ So we decided to call ourselves Night’s Watch.

 **Qrow:** I bring the night, and she brings the watch, I guess.

 **Ren:** That doesn’t make much sense.

 **Qrow:** Wasn’t my idea. _-shrugs-_

 **Ironwood:** Way to throw your teammate under the bus, Qrow.

 **Winter:** Qrow, you promised that we would present a united façade!

 **Qrow:** And you promised we would go on a date last week, but that never happened!

 **Winter:** Does your excessive drinking impair your ability to pick up on sarcasm?

 **Qrow:** Wait, are you being sarcastic right now?

_-Glynda facepalms-_

**Winter:** _-smirking-_ I think that speaks for itself.

 **Ren:** Alright, Qrow and Winter, we have your team name. If you want to send encouragement or insults to them, use the hashtag #nightswatch. Now, Professor Goodwitch, General Ironwood, what’s your team name?

 **Glynda:** We wanted to keep it simple.

 **Ironwood:** So we opted to call ourselves Team Goodwood.

 **Glynda:** It’s a portmanteau of our last names.

 **Ren:** I gathered.

 **Qrow:** Talk about a low-effort team name, am I right?

 **Winter:** I must admit that I was expecting more.

 **Ironwood:** It’s strategy, Lieutenant Schnee. The energy we saved on coming up with a team name will be poured into improv comedy.

 **Glynda:** Clever, isn’t it?

 **Ren:** I agree. It is very clever.

 **Winter:** _-crosses arms-_ Humph.

 **Ren:** If you’d like to send encouragement or insults to Team Goodwood, make sure to mark your Blips with the hashtag #goodwood.

 **Glynda:** I advise you to exercise caution when sending insults; I do have control over your grades.

_-audience laughs nervously-_

**Ren:** Now for our second order of business. Since all of our contestants today are adults – actual adults, not people who turned 18 a few weeks ago – we have a special treat for them.

_-Yatsuhashi and Fox walk onstage carrying several cases of beer. They leave a couple of cases with each team-_

**Ren:** Alcohol!

_-Ironwood picks up a beer and cracks it open-_

**Glynda:** Excuse me, where did you get the budget for this?

 **Ren:** We didn’t pay a cent; we just confiscated Sun’s stash.

 **Glynda:** Oh. Fine by me, in that case. _-cracks open a beer and takes a sip-_

 **Winter:** _-picks up a beer, speaks to Ironwood-_ Sir, permission to have a drink?

 **Ironwood:** You’re off the clock, Schnee. Be my guest.

 **Winter:** Thank you sir. _-cracks open beer, takes a gulp-_

 **Qrow:** Easy there, Ice Queen.

 **Winter:** I’m not a child, Qrow. Are you sure you don’t want a beer?

 **Qrow:** Nah, I’m good. _-points to flask-_ I need something a little stronger.

_-Glynda and Ironwood continue to take small sips from their beers. Winter takes much larger sips. Qrow drinks from his flask every now and then-_

**Ren:** Alright, we’ve got team names, we’ve got booze, and we also have a trophy. _-unveils Golden Glynda-_ Here’s what you’re competing for: the Golden Glynda.

 **Glynda:** I didn’t give permission for my likeness to be used in such a manner.

 **Qrow:** Yeah, who knows how many butts that’s been up?

 **Ren:** Why does everyone think that people use the Golden Glynda for anal play? I keep it under lock and key!

 **Glynda:** I should hope so!

 **Ironwood:** Don’t be a hypocrite, Glynda. We both know you’d stick anything in your butt.

 **Glynda:** Certainly not a statuette of myself!

 **Ironwood:** That’s not what I was alluding to.

 **Glynda:** I’m well aware. I was being willfully obtuse, you whiny clod.

 **Ren:** _-cutting off Ironwood before he can retort-_ You know, I think we have an opportunity here. We can kill two Nevermores with one boulder. _On the Spot_ is first and foremost a game show, but it also has the ability to bring people together. This episode can serve a dual purpose: entertainment, and a couples therapy session.

 **Ironwood:** Again, I must point out that there are no couples here.

 **Ren:** True, but there are former couples here.

 **Winter:** Qrow and I have never dated.

 **Qrow:** Not for lack of trying.

 **Ren:** _-ignoring Qrow and Winter-_ Think of this as an opportunity to repair damaged relationships and strengthen your bonds through teamwork.

 **Ironwood:** I’m skeptical.

 **Glynda:** As you should be!

 **Ren:** See? You just agreed on something. It’s already working!

_-Glynda rolls her eyes-_

**Qrow:** Wow, this kid’s pretty good.

 **Ren:** Thank you, Qrow. Five points to Night’s Watch.

 **Ironwood:** So we get points just for complimenting you?

 **Glynda:** If you want us to work as a team, you should also award us points for teamwork.

 **Ren:** Excellent point, Professor. Five points to Goodwood.

 **Qrow:** If it’s this easy to score points, we might as well skip the games entirely.

 **Winter:** That would defeat the purpose of coming here. I didn’t clear my schedule for nothing!

 **Qrow:** Aw, you know me, Ice Queen, I don’t play games. I like to skip the foreplay and get straight to the action.

 **Winter:** Ugh. I’m going to need a lot more alcohol to make it through this night. _-takes several gulps of her beer-_

 **Ren:** Alright, we have team names, we have alcohol, and we’re ready to begin. Our first game is Giving Headlines.

_-“Giving Headlines”appears on screen-_

**Ren:** For this game, before the show, Pyrrha combed RemNet for some wacky headlines, and she removed a word or two from each. Your job is to fill in the blanks. Each player will have an opportunity to answer, and whoever gets it right gets points. If nobody gets it right, then I assign points in any way I feel appropriate. Makes sense?

 **Qrow:** Sure.

 **Ren:** Now, I should also point out that despite its appearances, this game is an excellent team-building exercise. While players come up with words to fill in the blanks independently, teammates can argue on behalf of each other to strengthen the believability of their answers. In my experience, when someone advocates for their romantic partner, they grow closer together.

 **Ironwood:** As I’ve said before, there are no romantic partners here today.

 **Qrow:** But there might be by the end of the night. _-waggles eyebrows-_

 **Winter:** Ugh. _-takes a huge gulp of beer-_

 **Ren:** We’ll start on my right with Team Night’s Watch. Let’s find out what your headline is.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Mistralian man sells all of his _____ for charity.” Do you have an answer for me?

 **Winter:** I’ll suggest the most sensible answer: Mistralian man sells all of his _Dust_ for charity.

 **Qrow:** That doesn’t seem like a sensible thing to do.

 **Winter:** I meant it was the most plausible answer.

 **Qrow:** Oh, that makes sense.

 **Ironwood:** It’s actually a very insensible thing to do; it’s a strategic error that leaves him vulnerable to attack.

 **Glynda:** Agreed. Plus one should always keep a vial of fire Dust or electric Dust in case of emergencies.

 **Qrow:** Maybe the guy was an idiot. People do stupid shit for charity all the time.

 **Winter:** Like donating to charity in the first place.

 **Qrow:** Spoken like a true Ice Queen.

 **Winter:** I’m never sure whether you’re complimenting or insulting me, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** Which one gets me in your pants?

 **Winter:** Neither. _-finishes her beer-_

 **Ren:** That could be the correct answer. Qrow, do you have an answer for me?

 **Qrow:** Yeah. Selling your Dust is kinda boring. If you’re doing it for charity, it’s got to be something exciting. I think he sold all his porn.

 **Glynda:** That’s absurd. You can’t raise any money by selling pornography. RemNet is littered with it.

 **Ironwood:** You would know.

_-Glynda pretends to ignore Ironwood’s comment, but she’s visibly enraged-_

**Qrow:** Maybe it was rare or special porn.

 **Winter:** There’s rare pornography?

 **Ironwood:** I doubt it. Once you flash your tits, RemNet never forgets.

_-Winter shivers and opens another beer-_

**Qrow:** I was thinking more along the lines of Ozpin’s collection of vintage Faunus erotica.

 **Glynda:** That’s not pornography, Qrow; that’s art. It has cultural and aesthetic value.

 **Qrow:** Once upon a time, it was porn. How do you think people got their jollies before RemNet?

 **Ironwood:** Ugh. I don’t want to think about Ozpin getting his “jollies.”

 **Glynda:** Be that as it may, what does and does not constitute pornography shifts with the times.

 **Qrow:** Does that mean kids will be studying your adult film career in art school fifty years from now?

 **Glynda:** _-her face turning red-_ How could you suggest such a thing?

 **Winter:** Haven’t you learned by now that Qrow has no filter?

 **Ironwood:** True, but in this case, he has a point.

 **Glynda:** Oh can it, you twit.

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ For some reason I believed that adults would be more civilized than teenagers. I was mistaken. Team Goodwood, do you have an answer for what the headline could be?

 **Glynda:** I have an answer.

 **Ren:** Go ahead.

 **Glynda:** I believe the headline was: “Mistralian man sells all of his _toys_ for charity.”

 **Ren:** You mean sex toys?

 **Glynda:** Goodness gracious no! I meant toys, as in children’s playthings.

 **Ren:** So you think he had a lot toys that he hadn’t let go of from childhood.

 **Glynda:** Some men never do. _-glares at Ironwood-_

 **Ironwood:** Those are action figures, Glynda!

 **Glynda:** Which are a kind of toy!

 **Qrow:** It’s alright, Jimmy, I get you. I used to have a couple of Atlesian Paladin action figures myself. Gave them to Yang for her fifth birthday, though.

 **Winter:** What did you get Ruby for her fifth birthday, then?

 **Qrow:** A gun.

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out the real headline.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Mistralian man sells all of his  clothes for charity.” He sold his clothes.

 **Winter:** What did he do afterward? Did he just walk around in the nude?

 **Qrow:** _-leaning back-_ Ehh, I could get used to that.

 **Ren:** _-looking at scroll-_ Says here he wore things that weren’t clothes, like garbage bags and barrels, for a week as a stunt to raise money for the Mistral Children’s Hospital.

 **Glynda:** Were his clothes expensive or special in some way?

 **Ren:** Doesn’t say.

 **Glynda:** Well it seems to me that he could have raised more money selling off his action figures.

 **Qrow:** Assuming ol’ Jimmy here hadn’t already bought them up.

 **Ironwood:** I’m a collector, not a hoarder!

 **Glynda:** If you have multiple display cases, then you’re a hoarder.

 **Winter:** I disagree. Display cases demonstrate a commitment to organization and efficiency.

 **Qrow:** Quit brown-nosing; it’s not a good look on you.

 **Ren:** Are you suggesting she should white-nose instead?

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Hey-o! _-she has an eyepatch, a bruised lip, and several cuts on her legs-_

 **Ironwood:** That’s called doing cocaine, Ren, and I don’t permit my soldiers to do drugs.

 **Qrow:** You say, with a beer in your hand.

 **Ironwood:** A single beer. This is what moderation looks like.

 **Winter:** In all fairness, sir, alcohol is still a drug. _-takes a big sip of beer-_

 **Qrow:** Exactly.

 **Ironwood:** At least I don’t keep my breakfast, lunch, and dinner in a flask.

_-Glynda high-fives Ironwood-_

**Qrow:** Nah, for me, breakfast, lunch, and dinner are between a lady’s thighs. _-winks at Winter-_

 **Winter:** _-trying to appear offended but having trouble suppressing a small smile-_ You’re disgusting, Qrow.

 **Ren:** Alright, I have to assign points. While I liked Professor Goodwitch’s answer, the true answer involved a lack of clothes, and pornography implies nudity. So points go to Qrow and Night’s Watch.

 **Winter:** A most deserved victory.

_-Glynda rolls her eyes-_

**Qrow:** See? I’m not all bad, Ice Queen.

 **Winter:** _-with a small smile-_ Don’t push your luck, Qrow.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what the next headline is.

_-headline appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Vacuan police catch woman trying to _____ at the CCT.” Let’s start with Team Goodwood. Do either of you have an answer?

 **Ironwood:** It’s obvious, isn’t it?

 **Glynda:** _-rolling her eyes-_ Oh here we go.

 **Ironwood:** They caught her trying to contact alien life.

 **Ren:** “Alien life”?

 **Ironwood:** Yes, as in life from other planets. From other galaxies, even.

 **Glynda:** There’s no such thing as aliens, James.

 **Ironwood:** Then tell me who broke the moon, Glynda!

 **Glynda:** How the hell should I know?

 **Ironwood:** Then how come you’re so sure aliens didn’t do it?

 **Glynda:** Because they don’t exist!

 **Ren:** Well do you have an answer, Professor Goodwitch?

 **Glynda:** Yes. “Vacuan police catch woman trying to _sell drugs to children_ at the CCT.”

_-audience gasps-_

**Qrow:** _-shrugs-_ Ehh, might as well start ‘em young.

 **Ironwood:** You don’t need to do that at the CCT. You can do that anywhere!

 **Glynda:** Then why not at the CCT?

 **Ironwood:** Because it’s not plausible that she would do something like that in such a public location.

 **Glynda:** Which explains why she got caught!

 **Ironwood:** _-shakes his head-_ I’d just like to remind everyone that the Atlesian military strictly prohibits illicit drug use. _-sips his beer-_

 **Ren:** _-barely concealing the sarcasm in his voice-_ Thanks for the reminder. Team Night’s Watch, do you have an answer?

 **Winter:** Yes, but first of all, I’d like to register my surprise that Vacuo even has a police force.

 **Ironwood:** You can’t fight crime with positive vibes and drum circles, Schnee.

 **Winter:** Of course not. I’m just surprised that the Vacuans agree.

 **Qrow:** I’ve met a couple of Vacuo cops before. They bought me a drink at a bar on the west coast. Nice guys.

 **Ren:** So what’s your answer, Winter?

 **Qrow:** She’s stalling.

 **Winter:** I’m not stalling!

 **Qrow:** Then give Ren your answer.

 **Winter:** Fine. “Vacuan police catch woman trying to _start a new kingdom_ at the CCT.”

 **Ironwood:** How is that supposed to work?

 **Glynda:** You can’t just start a new kingdom, Winter.

 **Winter:** I agree. That’s why she didn’t succeed.

 **Ren:** So walk me through this. What exactly did the police catch her doing? Was she making a speech? Handing out flyers?

 **Winter:** She was in the process of drafting a new constitution.

 **Qrow:** “Drafting a new constitution.” _-snorts-_ I was picturing a drunk lady yelling about being the new queen or something.

 **Glynda:** So what, did a policeman just tap her on the shoulder and say, “Hey, please don’t write that”?

 **Ironwood:** This is ridiculous, Schnee. Writing a fake constitution isn’t illegal. It’s one of the least seditious things you can do.

 **Glynda:** And where do you draw the line? Would the Vacuan police consider a student like Miss Nora Valkyrie declaring herself “the queen of the castle” to be trying to form a new kingdom?

 **Ironwood:** Exactly. Everything about this scenario is implausible.

 **Winter:** I disagree, sir. If you’re trying to start a new kingdom, the best place to broadcast your message is a CCT!

 **Glynda:** But you said she was drafting the constitution!

 **Ironwood:** Was she livestreaming the writing?

_-audience laughs-_

**Glynda:** Could you imagine using the stream comments to write the constitution?

 **Winter:** How inefficient. It would be like a thousand Sun Wukongs sitting at a thousand typewriters.

 **Glynda:** Wow, you’re even more racist than your sister, Winter.

 **Ironwood:** You’re an utter buffoon, Schnee.

 **Ren:** Well, I think your response has been thoroughly dismantled, Winter.

 **Qrow:** Kinda like Atlas, eh? Get it?

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Hey-o!

 **Winter:** See? This is why I don’t like playing games. _-finishes her second beer-_

_-Glynda and Ironwood high-five-_

**Qrow:** _-strokes his chin-_ So here’s a question: if you were starting your own kingdom, what would you put in the constitution?

 **Ironwood:** My own kingdom?

 **Qrow:** Yeah.

_-Winter opens and starts drinking a third beer-_

**Glynda:** As far as I’m concerned, the Valian constitution is perfectly fine as is. I see no reason to make any changes.

 **Qrow:** Pfft. You’re boring.

 **Ironwood:** If I wrote a kingdom’s constitution, I’d make myself the king.

 **Qrow:** Now we’re talking. See, Glynda? Your boyfriend’s got the right idea.

 **Glynda:** He’s not my boyfriend.

 **Ironwood:** If I were king, I’d be able to pass all the laws I wanted, no questions asked. And even repeal the ones I don’t, like the pointless restrictions on the size of Dust magazines.

 **Glynda:** James! Have you no respect for democratic principles?

 **Ironwood:** Democracy’s all well and good, but it’s slow at getting things done.

 **Winter:** Well said, sir.

 **Qrow:** So you’d go the dictatorial route too, huh?

 **Winter:** Yes, but I would also give weekly spa treatments to every man, woman, and child in my kingdom. Have you ever been to a spa, Qrow? It’s wonderful.

 **Qrow:** I have. My masseuse was a hairy-ass bear Faunus, though.

 **Winter:** _-shudders-_ That’s dreadful!

 **Qrow:** _-shrugs-_ I got over it. So, benevolent dictator, huh? I like it.

 **Glynda:** Excuse me, but where would you get the lien to fund something like that?

 **Winter:** You could donate some of your filthy porn money.

 **Glynda:** _-turning beet red-_ My word!

 **Qrow:** Sorry, that’s the beer talking.

 **Winter:** I’m perfectly fine. _-chugs the rest of her beer-_

_-Audience cheers. Qrow facepalms-_

**Winter:** See? _-lets out an enormous burp-_

_-audience cheers louder-_

**Qrow:** Easy there. Drinking’s a marathon, not a sprint.

 **Winter:** I can handle my liquor, Qrow.

 **Ren:** _-with a little bit of sarcasm-_ Well after that brilliant wisdom from Qrow, let’s find out what the real headline is.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Vacuan police catch woman trying to  breed Grimm at the CCT.”

 **Qrow:** Holy crap.

 **Ironwood:** One of Salem’s minions, I presume?

 **Ren:** So I read the story under the headline, and it said she was trying to run a science experiment. She had actually gotten fired from her lab earlier that week.

 **Winter:** For trying to breed Grimm?

 **Ren:** No, for exposing herself to her colleagues. She has issues.

 **Glynda:** If anyone has issues, it’s Qrow.

 **Qrow:** I’m fine. It’s Ice Queen here you should be worried about.

 **Winter:** I’m fine! _-hic-_

_-Qrow shakes his head-_

**Glynda:** If you’re fine, then why do you drink so much?

 **Qrow:** You’d drink too if half your team were dead or missing.

 **Ironwood:** I was under the impression that you drank because Taiyang landed Summer and you didn’t.

_-audience gasps-_

**Qrow:** Why does everyone think I had a thing for Summer?

 **Glynda:** Everyone else certainly did!

 **Ironwood:** Damn her chastity!

 **Glynda:** Excuse me?

 **Ironwood:** _-tugs nervously at his collar-_ I mean, as a teenager I respected her decision to wait until after combat school to become romantically involved with others.

 **Qrow:** Well I didn’t have a thing for Summer; I liked this flamingo Faunus chick, Dahlia Demetrios. Let me tell you: she had wings for days. Those pink feathers coming off her back? Nineteen-year-old me really dug that. I wonder where she is now.

 **Winter:** And you never asked her out?

 **Qrow:** Nah, she was with some other guy the whole time I knew her. They’re probably married now. _-sighs, takes a sip from his flask-_

 **Winter:** Hmm, this might be the first time I’ve ever felt bad for you. _-cracks open a fourth beer-_

 **Glynda:** Don’t get used to it.

 **Ren:** After that emotional digression, I have to assign points. Surprisingly, I have to give them to General Ironwood.

 **Winter:** _-incredulously-_ What?

 **Ren:** Grimm are scary creatures, and aliens were the closest thing to Grimm that anyone mentioned.

 **Winter:** This is absurd.

 **Glynda:** Points are points, Winter.

 **Ren:** Let’s see what the scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** 30 to 30. Tie game.

 **Ironwood:** So the first game was essentially pointless.

 **Ren:** Nothing is pointless here, General. Remember, this is a bonding exercise.

 **Ironwood:** _-skeptically-_ Right.

 **Ren:** Don’t you feel closer to Professor Goodwitch right now?

 **Ironwood:** That’s up to her.

 **Glynda:** Good answer, James.

_-Qrow makes a cracking whip noise-_

**Ren:** Minus five points to Night’s Watch.

 **Winter:** Qrow, you nincompoop!

 **Qrow:** I never know what’s going to make this guy take points away.

 **Glynda:** Simply don’t open your mouth, and you’ll be fine.

 **Qrow:** _-with false naïveté-_ You know, Glynda, sometimes I get the impression that you don’t like me very much.

 **Glynda:** Hmph.

 **Ren:** Alright, let me read a message from our sponsor. _-pulls out scroll and reads-_ Hey there, if you’re watching this show, chances are you’re a dumb single neckbeard beta virgin loser who couldn’t get laid if he were the last man in Remnant.

 **Ironwood:** Way to insult the audience, Ren.

 **Ren:** _-ignoring Ironwood-_ Well Taiyang Xiao Long is here to change all of that for you! His new book, _ENTIRE TEAM_ , is now in stores all across the four kingdoms, and even in that shitty bookstore run by that Faunus cuck next to the marina in Northern Patch. In it, you’ll find anecdotes, advice, and tips to help you get all that sweet pootie-tang.

_-Glynda glares-_

**Ren:** _ENTIRE TEAM_ will even teach you how to juggle multiple partners at once and maybe even get some three-way action if you’re into it! And right now, by visiting www.entireteam.rem and entering the promo code ONTHESPOT, you can obtain a coupon for 20% off a purchase of the book. Heck, go the site and print out a whole bunch of coupons to give to all your ugly single friends. That’s www.entireteam.rem, promo code ONTHESPOT. Stop floundering in the dating pool, and neg your way to success with _ENTIRE TEAM: A Dating Guide by Taiyang Xiao Long_ , in stores now.

 **Ironwood:** It sounds like you could benefit from reading that book, Ren.

 **Ren:** I seriously doubt it.

 **Qrow:** Yeah, I’m with Ren here. My brother-in-law is-

 **Winter:** _Ex_ brother-in-law.

 **Qrow:** Whatever. Taiyang’s off his rocker.

 **Ren:** Don’t insult the sponsor, Qrow. He has penned a very useful guide.

 **Qrow:** I thought you said you wouldn’t benefit from reading it!

 **Ren:** I am already at precisely the level of romantic success that I desire.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Ren:** Alright, let’s move on to our next game, One-Sided Conversation.

_-“One-Sided Conversation” appears on screen-_

**Glynda:** That’s any conversation I try to have with James.

_-audience goes “Oooohhhhhh”-_

**Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Hey-o!

 **Ironwood:** I expect some engagement when we discuss military strategy!

 **Glynda:** “Military strategy”? We talk about that all day long! What about my womanly needs?

 **Ironwood:** Your “womanly needs” involve selling your body to the highest bidder.

 **Glynda:** Says the man who literally sold parts of his own body.

 **Ironwood:** I did it for science!

 **Winter:** Permission to speak freely, sir?

 **Ironwood:** I already told you, you’re off the clock, Schnee.

 **Winter:** Well in that case, I don’t think letting a Boarbatusk bite your arm off qualifies as “science.”

 **Ironwood:** Point taken.

 **Qrow:** I love it when you’re blunt, Ice Queen. Can we get you drunk all the time?

 **Winter:** Can we not?

 **Ren:** More importantly, can we settle down for a couple of minutes so I can explain the rules of the game?

 **Qrow:** _-gesturing mockingly-_ The floor’s yours, Ren.

 **Ren:** It’s _my_ show, Qrow! I decide who gets to talk and when.

 **Glynda:** We’ll see about that.

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ One-Sided Conversation is a game where each team will be given 60 seconds to act out a scenario, but one person from each team will be given their lines of dialogue on cue cards, while the other will have to improvise.

 **Ironwood:** That’s it?

 **Ren:** It’s a pretty simple game, General. You actually did raise an interesting point earlier, Professor Goodwitch, when you suggested that any conversation you tried to have with General Ironwood was one-sided. Perhaps this game will give a chance for him to see things from your point of view.

 **Glynda:** I highly doubt it.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what your scenario is before you dismiss it out of hand.

_-scenario appears on screen-_

**Ren:** The scenario is: “James is coming home after a long day of working in the Dust mines to see his wife, Glynda.”

_-Glynda scoffs-_

**Ironwood:** I don’t think this scenario is particularly realistic.

 **Ren:** Professor, you get the cards for this one. _-hands Glynda the cue cards-_ Let’s put 60 seconds on the clock, and go!

 **Ironwood:** Wow, that was a long day of working in the Dust mines. What’s for dinner, Glynda?

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ I’m a little bit stoned right now.

 **Ironwood:** “A little bit stoned”? How?

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ I smoked all the weed in the house. And then some.

 **Ironwood:** Weed? I didn’t even know we had weed! What about dinner?

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ Hey, do you want to get high too? _-not reading-_ My Dust, Ren, I can’t believe you’re making me read this!

 **Ren:** Keep going!

 **Ironwood:** No, I do not want to get high. You shouldn’t have smoked all those drugs, Glynda. Winners don’t do drugs.

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ Does it look like the walls are moving to you?

 **Ironwood:** No, the walls are stationary. Was the weed perhaps laced with something?

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ Hey, if the walls had eyes, do you think they would, like, spy on us?

 **Ironwood:** Um, I don’t know. Come on Glynda, I need you to listen to me.

 **Glynda:** _-reading awkwardly-_ This is fun. Hashtag four twenty? Blaze it? _-shakes her head-_

_-ding ding ding-_

**Glynda:** Seriously, who wrote these lines?

 **Ren:** That would be Yatsushashi.

 **Glynda:** I’m sorely tempted to give him detention for this.

 **Ren:** For a writing assignment for Beacon’s media literacy requirement? That doesn’t seem fair.

 **Glynda:** Well if I told you to write a twenty-page essay, and you ejaculated onto a quire of paper and handed it in, would I not be justified in giving you detention?

 **Ren:** Fair point.

 **Ironwood:** That may have been the most frustrating game I’ve ever played.

 **Glynda:** You’re telling _me_. I had to behave as if I were _-shudder-_ a stoner.

 **Qrow:** What’s wrong with a little bit of grass every now and then?

 **Glynda:** You are a human disaster, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** And what does that make the lovely lady sitting next to me?

 **Winter:** _-confused-_ Who, me? I swear to drunk I’m not Dust! _-pause-_ I mean, I’m sober!

 **Ironwood:** _-rolling his eyes-_ Sure.

 **Ren:** So, General, how did you feel about acting out that scenario?

 **Ironwood:** Not great, Ren.

 **Ren:** Do you feel as if you were able to step into Professor Goodwitch’s shoes?

 **Ironwood:** Sort of. Empathy doesn’t exactly come easily to me.

 **Glynda:** I just wanted you to value my opinions, James.

 **Ironwood:** I do value your opinions!

 **Glynda:** Then why didn’t you show it?

 **Winter:** Because he was high, probably.

 **Qrow:** I’m really loving drunk Winter.

 **Winter:** I can hold my liquor, Qrow. _-takes a huge gulp of beer-_

 **Ren:** Quiet, guys, we’re on the verge of a breakthrough.

 **Ironwood:** Because receptiveness implied a level of vulnerability that I wasn’t ready for. But that was prioritizing my own emotional safety over your feelings.

 **Glynda:** I’m glad you could acknowledge that, James.

 **Ren:** See? Couples therapy: it works. Now, Team Night’s Watch, let’s find out what your scenario is.

_-scenario appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Qrow is a stripper who has finally saved enough lien to pay for his tuition at the Royal University of Mistral. Winter is one of his rowdiest clients and is disappointed that he intends to leave the profession, so she tries to get him to stay.”

 **Qrow:** I feel like this is the wrong way around.

 **Ren:** It’s exactly the right way around. Winter, you get the lines for this one. _-hands Winter a stack of cue cards-_

 **Glynda:** Good thinking. Winter isn’t capable of improvising when she’s drunk.

 **Winter:** At least I’m capable of keeping my panties on when I’m drunk.

 **Ironwood:** Good one.

 **Glynda:** Whose side are you on?

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s put sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Qrow. Sixty seconds, and go!

 **Qrow:** Wow, I’m glad that I finally saved enough lien to quit my shitty job and get an education!

 **Winter:** _-reading-_ Hey there, Sugardick. Could I get the usual, please?

 **Qrow:** Do I look like a bartender to you?

 **Glynda:** _-muttering-_ A little bit.

 **Winter:** Come on. _-reading-_ A lapdance and a little over-the-blouse action. _-not reading-_ And there’s a stage direction telling me to slap some coins on the table?

 **Ren:** Then slap some coins on the table!

 **Weiss:** I don’t carry coins with me. I use my debit card for everything!

 **Ren:** Then just slap your debit card down on the table!

 **Qrow:** Hey Ren, didn’t some poor sap jizz all over your coin collection last week?

 **Ren:** Play the God damn game!

 **Qrow:** Right. _-back to acting-_ Winter, I have to inform you that I’m no longer a stripper. I’m going to be attending RUM in the fall.

 **Glynda:** _-muttering-_ Qrow certainly likes attending to rum.

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Hey-o!

 **Winter:** _-reading-_ Just relax and take your shirt off for me.

 **Qrow:** I told you already; I’m not a stripper anymore.

 **Winter:** Here. _-unbuttons Qrow’s shirt-_ You’re a sexy piece of meat, aren’t you?

 **Ren:** You’re not reading the lines!

 **Winter:** Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. _-reads-_ You’re a sexy slab of beef, aren’t you?

_-audience laughs-_

**Qrow:** Hey, hands off!

 **Winter:** _-reading-_ Now show me your love rod, baby.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Qrow:** That was uncomfortable.

 **Ironwood:** I’m pretty sure that was sexual harassment.

 **Ren:** Now do you understand how it feels to be constantly hit on, Qrow?

 **Winter:** _-takes a large gulp of beer-_ Wait, who’s harassing who now?

 **Qrow:** You can say whatever you want to me. I just don’t want you touching my clothes.

 **Winter:** I don’t see why, Qrow. You have an exceptionally chiselled abdomen. You should flaunt it more often. _-stares at Qrow’s stomach-_

 **Qrow:** Did Ice Queen just compliment me? This is getting weird.

 **Glynda:** I’m fairly certain that’s the alcohol talking.

 **Ironwood:** You once told me that alcohol reveals one’s true character, Glynda.

_-Winter’s nose begins bleeding like an anime character-_

**Ren:** Is your nose bleeding, Winter?

 **Winter:** _-shocked-_ Why yes. Yes it is. Someone get me a handkerchief!

 **Glynda:** _-smirks at Ironwood-_ Well I was right about that, wasn’t I?

 **Qrow:** _-tears a large strip of cloth off his shirt and hands it to Winter, leaving his torso even more exposed-_ Here, this should do the trick.

 **Ironwood:** _-chuckling-_ I think that’s just going to make it worse.

 **Winter:** _-holds the cloth against her bloody nose-_ Thanks, Qrow. _-gives Qrow an affectionate look-_

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ I guess it was inevitable that someone would eventually end up half-naked on this show.

 **Winter:** I’m not complaining. _-staring at Qrow’s abs-_

 **Ren:** I have to pick a winner now. _-pause-_ Points to Team Goodwood for that one. You actually remembered how the game was played.

 **Ironwood:** A well-deserved victory.

 **Qrow:** Man, I call bullshit.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what points are.

_-Scores appear on screen. Winter cracks open another beer-_

**Ren:** 25 for Night’s Watch, 55 for Goodwood. That means Winter and Qrow, you’re doing the Redemption Challenge.

_-Fox and Yatsuhashi come onto the stage. Yatsuhashi is carrying a folding table, and Fox is carrying a large tray of shots. Yatsuhashi places the table in front of Qrow and Winter, and Fox places the shots on it.-_

**Glynda:** More alcohol? I must say, Ren, this seems highly irresponsible.

_-Fox leaves the stage-_

**Ren:** _-shrugs-_ I’m not the one who’s liable. _-to everyone-_ This Redemption Challenge is really simple. All you have to do is read.

 **Winter:** _-slightly slurred-_ Reading is one of my str-strong suits!

 **Qrow:** A little too much to drink there, Ice Queen?

 **Winter:** Shut up, Qrow.

 **Ironwood:** There has to be some sort of twist.

 **Ren:** I’m getting to that. You’re going to read a passage from a book, one sentence at a time, going back and forth. That’s all you have to do. However, if I see you laugh or cringe, you’ll have to take a shot.

 **Qrow:** Sounds easy enough.

 **Ren:** The book you’ll be reading from is our sponsor, _ENTIRE TEAM: A Dating Guide by Taiyang Xiao Long_.

 **Qrow:** _-the colour draining from his face-_ You’ve got to be joking.

 **Yatsuhashi:** No joke. _-places the book on the table next to the tray of shots and leaves the stage-_

 **Ren:** Turn to page 103, and begin reading from the first full sentence.

 **Winter:** Here goes nothing. _-opens book and reads-_ The female mind is malleable and weak.

 **Ren:** Now it’s your turn, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** I’d rather not.

 **Ren:** Then you won’t get any points.

 **Qrow:** Fine. _-takes a deep breath and reads-_ It was not designed to carry out the sophisticated computations of the alpha male, whose brain makes millions of calculations about the viability of potential mates every second.

 **Winter:** _-reads, slightly slurred-_ The female mind cannot carry out such complex operations.

 **Qrow:** _-reads-_ Instead, it is configured to process advances from high-value males.

 **Winter:** _-reads, trying hard not to slur her speech-_ But because it is malleable, a clever male can exploit its weaknesses and train it to respond to a narrow set of stimuli, much like how Ivory Pavlov trained his bitches.

 **Qrow:** Ugh. I can almost feel the smugness of that pun dripping off the page.

 **Ren:** That counts as a cringe. Take a shot, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** Like it’ll do anything to me. _-takes a shot-_

 **Glynda:** At least now we know where Miss Xiao Long got her affinity for wordplay.

 **Ren:** Keep going.

 **Qrow:** _-reads-_ The female mind can be manipulated with subtle insults in a practice known as “negging.”

 **Winter:** _-reads-_ Negging inspires the targeted woman to strive to meet the desires of the man insulting her, thereby increasing her mate value.

 **Qrow:** _-reads-_ This striving usually takes the form of improvement of her appearance by means of diet, cosmetics, or dressing more provocatively, but it may also manifest itself in feigned interest in comic books, video games, or other masculine hobbies that are beyond the ken of most women. _-not reading-_ Dust Almighty, where’s Taiyang getting this crap from?

 **Ironwood:** _-shrugs-_ Beats me.

 **Winter:** _-reads-_ This behaviour can be reinforced through a mixture of rewards and punishments.

 **Qrow:** _-reads-_ Rewarding her efforts reinforces her behaviour, making her want to continue striving to meet your desires.

 **Winter:** _-reads, slightly slurred-_ However, periodic punishments are necessary to ensure that she doesn’t become complacent. _-giggles drunkenly-_ Heh, “complacent” is a funny word.

 **Glynda:** It really isn’t.

 **Ren:** You laughed. Take a shot, Winter.

 **Winter:** Don’t mind if I do! _-grabs a shot from the table and downs it in a single gulp-_

 **Qrow:** _-reads-_ Do not hesitate to use an open palm, or in rare cases, a closed fist. _-stops reading-_ Fucking hell, Ren! Taiyang is literally telling his readers to beat women!

 **Ren:** _-shrugs-_ I think it’s a metaphor.

 **Qrow:** _-sarcastically-_ Next he’s going to tell us to grab her by the pussy.

 **Winter:** That’s actually in the next sentence.

 **Qrow:** You’re joking.

 **Winter:** _-slightly slurred-_ No, it says- it says so right here. _-reads-_ If she still fails to acquiesce to your whims, then grab her by the pussy and _-hesitantly-_ have your way… with… her? _-stops reading-_ Okay, I’m with Qrow. I’m- I’m done here.

 **Ren:** So you’re both done?

 **Qrow:** You’d better believe it.

 **Glynda:** Haha! It appears you both lose!

 **Qrow:** _-sarcastically-_ Oh boo hoo.

 **Ren:** Actually, you both win.

 **Ironwood:** Wait, what?

 **Ren:** Not the whole show, I mean. Just the Redemption Challenge.

 **Glynda:** But they didn’t even finish!

 **Ren:** I didn’t tell them when to stop. This Redemption Challenge was a test; the only way to win was not to play.

 **Qrow:** I don’t get it.

 **Winter:** Just accept the victory, you clod.

 **Ren:** Fifty points to Team Night’s Watch.

_-applause-_

**Glynda:** This is nonsense.

_-Winter cracks open yet another beer and starts drinking-_

**Qrow:** Easy there, Ice Queen.

 **Ren:** Let’s find out what points are after that.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** Night’s Watch has shot up to 75 points, but Goodwood is still hanging in there with 55.

 **Glynda:** Remember, Ren: there’s only one team that has someone who can affect your grades.

 **Ren:** I don’t think you’re that petty, Professor.

 **Glynda:** Is that really a risk you want to take?

 **Ren:** 20 points to Team Goodwood. Now you’re tied at 75 points apiece.

 **Glynda:** Excellent. On a completely unrelated note, you got an A- on your latest essay.

 **Ren:** Another 5 points to Goodwood.

 **Glynda:** Oh, did I say A-? I meant A+.

 **Winter:** _-yelling drunkenly-_ FUCKING BULLSHIT! _-spills beer all over the carpet-_

 **Ren:** Whoa, calm down there.

 **Qrow:** Are you just going to take that, Jimmy?

 **Irownwood:** _-shrugs-_ She’s off the clock.

 **Ren:** Alright, it’s time for our final game of the evening, Twisted Tales.

_-“Twisted Tales” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Twisted Tales is a game where I will give you a fairy tale, and you will have 90 seconds to tell that story, going back and forth between teammates. Each time I ring the bell, you’ll switch teammates, and you’ll get a new prompt that you’ll have to incorporate into the tale. Doing this will require that you trust your partner to be able to play off what you say. Cooperating on creative tasks is an excellent team-building exercise.

 **Qrow:** _-sarcastically-_ Sounds like a hoot.

 **Ren:** Hey. That hurts.

 **Ironwood:** Hurt people hurt people.

 **Glynda:** You really think someone hurt him, James? He’s been a constant source of negativity since the moment I met him.

 **Qrow:** I’m a realist.

 **Glynda:** There’s a difference between realism and pessimism, Qrow, and maybe you’d understand the difference if you’d lay off the booze and pills.

 **Winter:** Wait, “pills”?

 **Qrow:** I didn’t come here to be lectured by a glorified janitor.

_-audience gasps-_

**Ironwood:** That was over the line, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** I think it was on the right side of the line.

 **Winter:** Qrow takes pills?

 **Ironwood:** I think you owe Glynda an apology.

 **Qrow:** Not until she apologizes for implying that I’m a pessimist.

 **Glynda:** That’s not what I said.

 **Ironwood:** Be reasonable, Qrow.

 **Winter:** So we’re just going to let whole “pills” thing slide, are we?

 **Glynda:** You know what? It’s fine. I don’t need his apology. We can win this game, James. And once we win the whole show, Qrow will be too embarrassed to show his face here again.

 **Ironwood:** I’m not sure Qrow is capable of feeling shame.

 **Winter:** Maybe that’s what the pills are for. _-lets out an enormous burp-_

 **Ironwood:** Lieutenant Schnee, a little decorum, please.

 **Winter:** _-slightly slurred-_ So you ignore me when I want to talk about pills, but when I burp suddenly all eyes are on me?

 **Qrow:** I’m really loving sassy drunk Winter.

 **Winter:** _-bashfully but smiling-_ Oh stop it.

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ Let’s find out what Team Night’s Watch’s tale is.

 **Winter:** _-rolling her eyes-_ So much for being “off the clock.”

_-“The Tale of the Two Brothers” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** So you’re going to tell us The Tale of the Two Brothers.

 **Qrow:** _-sarcastically-_ Oh joy.

 **Ren:** And your starting prompt is…

_-“A sack of fire Dust crystals” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** …A sack of fire Dust crystals. Alright, 90 seconds on the clock, starting with Winter, and go!

 **Winter:** Once upon a time, there were two brothers, and one of them had a sack of fire Dust crystals… that had been generously provided to him by the Schnee Dust Company, of course.

_-Ding. “Tukson’s Book Trade” appears on screen. Winter downs the last of her beer-_

**Qrow:** The first brother was married. He had actually gotten married at Tukson’s, because his wife really liked books. She also really liked… the second brother!

_-audience gasps-_

**Qrow:** That’s right. She tried to seduce the second brother.

_-Ding. “Higanbana” appears on screen-_

**Winter:** And she succeeded, because the second brother was- was evil and lecherous. _-hiccups-_ So they ran off to Higanbana for a tryst. I don’t know why; it’s a truly dreadful vill- village. _-drunkenly hiccups again-_

 **Glynda:** That’s not how the story goes!

 **Winter:** _-stands up-_ Up yours, bitch! _-trips over her own feet-_

_-Glynda is taken aback-_

**Qrow:** Easy there, Winter. _-helps Winter back into her seat-_

 **Ren:** _-shaking his head-_ How am I the most level-headed person here?

_-Ding. “An Atlesian Paladin” appears on screen-_

**Qrow:** Oh crap. It’s my turn. _-looks at screen-_ I have to incorporate an Atlesian Paladin? How am I supposed to do that?

 **Ironwood:** Well one of you has to rescue this train wreck.

 **Qrow:** Can it, Jimmy.

 **Ironwood:** Come on, Qrow. Don’t be an ass.

 **Glynda:** And while you’re at it, tell your girlfriend to apologize to me!

 **Winter:** I’m not _-hiccups-_ his girlf- girlthing.

 **Ren:** Clock’s ticking, guys.

 **Qrow:** Anyway, a catfish ate the second brother’s junk, because that’s an actual thing that happens in this story.

_-Ding. “Summer Rose’s famous cookie recipe” appears on screen-_

**Winter:** For real? That’s disgusting!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Time’s up!

 **Ironwood:** You didn’t even get through half the story!

 **Qrow:** We got through the important bits.

 **Glynda:** The catfish is the only one who got through any “bits.”

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Hey-o!

 **Winter:** You shut your filthy whore mouth, Glynda!

 **Qrow:** I didn’t expect you to be a belligerent drunk, Ice Queen.

 **Ironwood:** _-under his breath-_ Good luck with that. _-mimes fellatio-_

 **Glynda:** I saw that, James. Whose side are you on?

 **Ren:** Anyway, we should move on.

 **Glynda:** Not until Winter and James apologize to me.

 **Qrow:** We’re going to be here forever in that case.

 **Glynda:** You know, I’ve just about had it with your snark, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** Oh boo hoo.

 **Ren:** I feel like I need popcorn for this.

 **Qrow:** Alcohol is the next best thing… Oh wait, you’re too young to drink.

 **Winter:** Aw, let him have a sip. I was sneaking brandy out of my father’s liquor cabinet at age fourteen.

 **Ironwood:** That explains a lot.

 **Winter:** General, permission to speak freely?

 **Ironwood:** Go ahead.

 **Winter:** I used to hope you would catch me.

 **Ironwood:** Pardon me?

 **Winter:** I used to hope you- you would catch me drinking. And then you would take me to my father’s study – he’d be off in Mantle screwing one of his mistresses – and you would _-hiccup-_ you would scold me.

 **Weiss:** _-from the audience-_ Wait, Father has mistresses?

 **Ironwood:** _-ignoring Weiss-_ Scold you?

 **Qrow:** _-lecherously-_ Go on…

 **Winter:** Yes, scold me… Spank me.

 **Ren:** Well this has taken a turn.

 **Glynda:** Are you seriously hitting on James right now?

 **Winter:** No! Definitely not! As I grew older, General Ironwood became more of a _-hiccup-_ father figure to me. He became- he became a father figure. And now he’s my- he’s my _-hiccup-_ commanding officer. No more schoolgirl crush.

 **Ren:** What an odd confession.

 **Qrow:** So what are you attracted to now? _-waggles eyebrows-_

 **Ren:** She’s in her bad boy phase now, I’d wager.

 **Winter:** I’ll never tell! _-giggling exactly like the schoolgirl she claimed she wasn’t-_

 **Qrow:** Actually, scratch that question. Let me ask you instead: do you still want to get spanked?

 **Winter:** Maaaaaaybe. _-tries to give a coquettish smile, but only manages a drunkenly lopsided grin-_

 **Glynda:** I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

 **Ironwood:** _-shrugs-_ Alcohol is a wonderful lubricant.

 **Ren:** I thought that was jelly.

 **Ironwood:** That too.

 **Ren:** Anyway, it’s time for Team Goodwood’s story.

 **Glynda:** I still haven’t received my apologies!

 **Winter:** SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ROYAL BITCH.

 **Ren:** Minus 50 points to Team Night’s Watch. Are you happy now, Professor?

 **Glynda:** _-with a small smile-_ Very.

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what your story is.

_-“The Story of the Seasons” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** The Story of the Seasons. You definitely know it. There’s no way you can mess this up.

 **Qrow:** Hey, when it comes to the Maidens, never underestimate their ability to mess things up.

 **Ironwood:** _-through gritted teeth-_ Qrow! Ixnay on the asementbay!

 **Qrow:** Relax. Winter’s too drunk to retain anything we’re saying.

 **Ren:** There’s an audience, Qrow.

 **Qrow:** Ehh, we’ll just feed ‘em to the Grimm.

_-audience begins panicking-_

**Qrow:** I was kidding! Sheesh, these guys are soft.

 **Ren:** After what happened last week, they’d believe it. Let’s find out what your starting prompt is, Team Goodwood.

_-“Vegetarian pizza” appears on the screen-_

**Ren:** Alright, you have to incorporate vegetarian pizza, and your story is The Story of the Seasons. 90 seconds on the clock, starting with General Ironwood, and go!

 **Ironwood:** Once upon a time, there lived an old wizard in a cabin in the woods. He lived alone, eating vegetarian pizza for every meal, because he was too lazy to raise livestock for meat.

 **Qrow:** Then where did he get the milk for the cheese?

 **Ironwood:** Shut up, Qrow. Anyway, he was peering out his window one day when he saw-

_-Ding. “A flatulence-based Semblance” appears on screen-_

**Glynda:** -a young woman sitting under a tree, farting to keep herself warm. She was waiting for her less flatulent sisters. Her name was Winter.

 **Winter:** Hey, that’s _my_ name!

_-Ding. “Lisa Lavender” appears on screen-_

**Ironwood:** The wizard fell asleep, and when he woke up, Lisa Lavender was sitting next to winter, holding a basket of fruit and flowers.

 **Qrow:** Winter and Lisa Lavender. Now that’s a combo I wouldn’t say no to. _-winks at Winter-_

 **Ironwood:** They’re sisters!

 **Qrow:** Only in the story.

 **Winter:** _-very drunkenly-_ I wouldn’t say no to a night with Lisa…

 **Glynda:** My word, is every woman in Remnant bisexual?

 **Qrow:** I wish!

 **Ironwood:** You might be more like your brother-in-law than you thought.

 **Ren:** Guys, you’re supposed to be playing a game!

 **Glynda:** They sidetracked us!

 **Ren:** Well get back on track!

 **Ironwood:** Anyway, Lisa Lavender planted some seeds.

_-Ding. “Swimming lessons with Neptune Vasilias” appears on screen-_

**Glynda:** The seeds grew into a… swimming pool? Yes, a swimming pool. They were pool seeds.

 **Winter:** Hahaha! Netpune’s such a… a… a dweeb!

 **Qrow:** _-facepalming-_ I hope you’re proud of yourself.

_-Ding. “A pile of Boarbartusk feces” appears on screen-_

**Ironwood:** The seeds grew rapidly because of how much Boarbatusk excrement the wizard kept in his shed. Anyway, the person who was swimming in the pool was none other than Summer.

 **Winter:** Hey, that’s Ruby’s mom’s name! _-hiccups-_

 **Ironwood:** And she was wearing a skimpy bikini.

 **Qrow:** I like where this is going.

_-Ding. “Aura depletion” appears on screen-_

**Glynda:** The wizard, being the lech that he was, immediately bolted outside. And then- _-looks at display-_ -oh Dust, there’s five seconds left. And then Fall showed up, they all ate a meal together, her Aura was depleted, and they all lived happily ever after. The end.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** I must express my respect for Team Goodwood. That was actually a fairly accurate retelling of the story. Well done.

 **Ironwood:** Thank you.

 **Ren:** Points to you guys.

 **Glynda:** Are you going to dispute that, Winter?

 **Winter:** No way, I’m hella druuuuuuuuuunk.

 **Ironwood:** I think we deserve extra points for dealing with the constant distractions from Qrow and Lieutenant Schnee.

 **Qrow:** You already won. You don’t need extra points.

 **Ironwood:** You don’t know that. We haven’t seen the final scores.

 **Qrow:** Jeez, it’s simple math!

 **Ren:** Okay, let’s see the points after all that.

_-score appears on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 25 for Team Night’s Watch, 130 for Team Goodwood. Professor Goodwitch, I guess that means you win the Golden, well, you.

 **Ironwood:** It wasn’t even close.

 **Glynda:** No kidding.

 **Qrow:** Winter, are you disappointed that we lost?

 **Winter:** Nahhhhh, because I’ve got _-hiccup-_ I’ve got you!

_-Winter begins making out with Qrow. At first, he’s shocked, but he soon shrugs and eases into it. The audience erupts in applause-_

**Weiss:** _-muttering just loudly enough to be caught by a microphone-_ You could do so much better, sister.

 **Ren:** See? I told you couples therapy would work.

 **Glynda:** We make a great team, James.

 **Ironwood:** We certainly do.

_-awkward pause, during which Qrow and Winter continue making out-_

**Ironwood:** Say, Glynda, why don’t we give it another shot?

 **Glynda:** Excuse me?

 **Ironwood:** I mean… if Qrow and Winter can make it work, then why can’t we?

 **Glynda:** Oh hell no. You’re a nice guy, James, but now that I’ve had massive Faunus cock, I’m never going back to your scrawny cyborg penis.

 **Ironwood:** Glynda, I… I… _-slumps in his chair-_

 **Ren:** Well, I guess couples therapy only works sometimes. Still, a 50% success rate is nothing to sneer at. I’d like to thank our sponsor, _ENTIRE TEAM_. I’d also like to thank our couples, Winter and Qrow, and Professor Goodwitch and General Ironwood.

 **Glynda:** We’re not couples, Ren.

 **Winter:** Let’s do this, Qrow. _-kiss-_ Right here, right now. _-kiss-_ In front of everyone. _-starts removing her shirt-_

 **Ren:** Oh Dust! Fox, cut the cameras! Cut the cameras! Roll the credits!

 **Winter:** Fuck me, Qrow! Fuck me right now!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that adults are just as immature as children, if not more so.


	6. "You Can't Say That Word" - Penny & Ciel vs. Velvet & Blake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the [Off Topic Swear Jar](https://www.reddit.com/user/otpswearjar) on Reddit, I decided to make a swear jar for _RWBY On the Spot_. You can find it [at this link](https://www.dropbox.com/s/1477u7ipggtsvn6/rwby_ots_swearjar.xlsx?dl=0).
> 
> Warning: There are jokes about sexual assault in this chapter, so if that's not your thing, then you might want to steer clear.
> 
> See the end of the chapter for more notes.

**Ren:** The members of our first team want to switch places. One would rather be a real girl, and the other wishes she could replace her brain with a computer. Magic and technology are coming together, it’s Penny Polendina and Ciel Soleil!

_-The audience applauds. Ciel claps while Penny waves-_

**Ren:** Our second team tonight wants you all to know just how oppressed they are. They’re so oppressed, they even got t-shirts to show it. The bows are off and the ears are out, it’s Blake Belladonna and Velvet Scarlatina.

_-The audience applauds. Velvet claps while Blake sulks with her arms crossed-_

**Ren:** I’myourhostLieRenandwelcometoOntheSpot!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Penny:** Thank you for the introduction, Ren. It was sensational!

 **Ren:** _-blushing slightly-_ You’re welcome, Penny.

 **Ciel:** _-with a hint of skepticism-_ Well that’s high praise.

 **Ren:** And we’re right back down to earth.

 **Blake:** Booo!

 **Ren:** What are you booing?

 **Blake:** I don’t know, this show?

 **Velvet:** It’s a general boo.

 **Ren:** Anyway, welcome to _On the Spot_ , the show that I’m still hosting for some reason.

 **Velvet:** I’m still in awe that this hasn’t been cancelled yet.

 **Blake:** We’ll make it happen, Velvet.

 **Ren:** This week, we’re brought to you by Samurai Shampoo.

 **Ciel:** That is the shampoo you use, correct?

 **Ren:** It is.

 **Ciel:** That shampoo appears to have been very effective.

 **Ren:** Alright, save it for the ad read, Ciel.

 **Blake:** Yeah, there’s already enough corporate bullshit on this show.

 **Ren:** What do you mean? We have one sponsor per episode.

 **Blake:** And every one of those sponsors is complicit in maintaining the capitalist system that subjugates and exploits the Faunus.

 **Velvet:** Yeah, what Blake said.

 **Ren:** You know what, I’ll deal with this later. Let’s go over to my right-

 **Blake:** Capitalist pig!

 **Ren:** -and find out what Penny and Ciel’s team name is.

 **Ciel:** I believe Penny came up with our team name.

 **Penny:** That I did!

_-“#SuperHappyBestFriends <3” appears on screen-_

**Penny:** We’re Team Super Happy Best Friends heart emoji!

 **Ren:** Can you even have emojis in a hashtag?

 **Penny:** We won’t know unless we try.

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ Alright, send your Blips to the hashtag Super Happy Best Friends heart emoji if you want to talk to these girls. Velvet and Blake, what’s your team name?

 **Blake:** First of all, fuck you, Ren, for going to the other team first.

 **Ren:** I always go to my right first. You’ve been on the show before. You know this.

 **Blake:** I think you just hate the Faunus.

 **Ren:** I promise you, I don’t. What’s your team name?

 **Blake:** Well Ren, as queer Faunus women, we face multiple intersecting oppressions on a daily basis.

 **Penny:** Excuse me, “queer”?

 **Velvet:** Yeah, I’m a lesbian, and Blake’s bisexual.

 **Penny:** What does it mean to be “bisexual”?

 **Velvet:** It means she wants to take Sun in the ass while Yang licks her twat.

 **Blake:** _-mortified-_ Velvet!

_-Velvet shrugs-_

**Penny:** Oh, I get it. You’re both gay _and_ straight. That is fascinating!

 **Ciel:** You ask too many questions, Penny.

 **Blake:** _-regaining her composure-_ Anyway, as queer Faunus women, Velvet and I are reclaiming the slurs that people have thrown at us over the years. Are you ready, Velvet?

_-Velvet nods. Blake and Velvet unbutton their shirts to reveal t-shirts that say “CUNT” and “BEAST,” respectively-_

**Blake:** We’re Team Cuntbeasts.

_-“#Cuntbeasts” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Holy Dust, you can’t use that team name.

 **Velvet:** Too late. We’re the Cuntbeasts.

 **Ren:** _-muttering-_ God damn it, this episode is already a trainwreck. _-aloud-_ Alright, I guess you guys are the Cuntbeasts.

 **Blake:** Excuse me, but you can’t say “cunt” or “beast.”

 **Ren:** Why not?

 **Velvet:** Because those are _our_ words.

 **Blake:** Yeah, you’re a straight human male oppressor.

 **Ren:** What did I ever do?

 **Blake:** Existed. Your existence is oppressive.

 **Ren:** If men didn’t exist, then how would we reproduce?

 **Penny:** Parthenogenesis!

 **Blake:** Science would find a way if straight human men weren’t wasting their time trying to eradicate the Faunus.

 **Velvet:** Yeah, hands off my uterus, Ren!

 **Ren:** Yeah, I’m not going to touch that whole thing. Anyway, I know before the show you ladies said you had t-shirts. But when did you find the time to make them?

 **Velvet:** We don’t do a lot of work here, Ren.

 **Ciel:** No wonder Beacon is falling apart.

 **Blake:** And what have _you_ done lately, Ciel, other than following Penny around and being a cunt?

 **Ciel:** I am not a c-word.

 **Velvet:** She can’t even say the word.

 **Blake:** Say it. Say “cunt.”

 **Ciel:** I refuse.

 **Blake:** That proves you’re a cunt.

 **Ciel:** How?

 **Blake:** Only cunts can’t admit that they’re cunts. You’re a cunt, Ciel. You’re a complete and total cunt.

 **Penny:** Hey now, why can’t we be friends?

 **Blake:** Because some of us are cunts, Penny.

 **Ren:** I’m confused. I thought you were reclaiming the word. Now it’s an insult?

 **Blake:** “Cunt” can mean whatever I want it to mean. I can do that. I’m a woman.

 **Sage:** _-from the audience-_ Talk about female privilege!

 **Blake:** Fuck off, Sage. There’s no such thing.

 **Sun:** _-in the audience, stage-whispering to Sage-_ Dude, cram it. You’re going to ruin my chances with her.

 **Ciel:** I predict that Sun has a 65% chance of romantic success with Blake.

 **Sun:** _-from the audience-_ Well if you want to put a number on it…

 **Velvet:** You know, you sound kind of robotic when you say that.

 **Blake:** Thank God. I thought I was the only one who noticed that!

 **Velvet:** Me too!

 **Blake:** I have this theory that Penny is the real girl and Ciel is the robot.

 **Ciel:** I’m right here, guys.

 **Blake:** Quit being a cunt and butting in on our conversation.

 **Ciel:** The impact of that insult is blunted when it’s emblazoned on your shirt.

 **Blake:** Well I was going to make a t-shirt with a picture of Henry Marigold shoving his cock down your throat. Would you have preferred that?

 **Ren:** Blake, I’m going to need you to be about 75% less antagonistic.

 **Blake:** The reason I’m antagonistic is because your show is shitty, and I want to get it cancelled.

 **Ren:** Whatever. We have to move on. We’ve got our two teams, Team Super Happy Best Friends heart emoji, and the team whose name I can’t say.

 **Velvet:** Why can’t you say our team name, Ren?

 **Ren:** You told me I couldn’t!

 **Blake:** Say our team name, Ren. Say it!

 **Ren:** Fine, Team Cuntbeasts.

 **Blake:** God damn it Ren! We told you you couldn’t use those words. Quit being oppressive!

 **Ren:** _-facepalming-_ Shitting Dust, I give up.

 **Blake:** Our plan is working. _-high-fives Velvet-_

 **Penny:** What plan?

 **Ren:** _-ignoring Penny-_ Alright, before we move on to games, as you’ve probably noticed, Sun is in the audience.

 **Sun:** _-from the audience-_ That’s right!

 **Ren:** Come up here, Sun.

_-Sun runs onstage-_

**Ren:** Everyone give Sun a round of applause, because he has stopped drinking!

_-applause-_

**Sun:** Yeah, it was fucking up my life pretty bad.

 **Velvet:** Translation: He had whiskeydick and couldn’t give it to Blake nice and good.

 **Blake:** _-mortified, turning red-_ Velvet!

 **Penny:** I read some of Coco’s entertainment materials, and they led me to believe that Sun would want to give it to Scarlet and Neptune.

 **Sun:** _-shaking his head and waving his hands-_ Hey, no no no. I don’t swing that way.

_-Nora jeers from the audience-_

**Velvet:** You’ve never even considered it?

 **Sun:** Uh… I’m gonna go sit back down… Preferably not next to Nora. _-returns to audience-_

_-Nora giggles-_

**Ren:** Alright, we should play some games.

 **Velvet:** Should we really?

 **Ren:** If you’ve got a better suggestion, I’m all ears.

 **Blake:** Are you mocking her ears?

 **Ren:** No, I-

 **Blake:** You _are_ mocking her ears!

 **Ren:** It’s an expression!

 **Blake:** That’s a hate crime! You’re a hate criminal!

 **Velvet:** Yeah! Apologize!

 **Ren:** _-exasperated-_ Alright, Velvet, I’m sorry.

 **Velvet:** Apology accepted.

 **Blake:** _-scoffs-_ I don’t forgive hate crimes that easily.

 **Ren:** _-throws his arms up in the air in frustration-_ Our first game is a new game. It’s called Come Again.

_-“Come Again” appears on screen-_

**Ren:** Come Again is a game where I give each team a scenario, and they have to act it out like improv actors.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ Right, because I was planning on acting it out like a dead fish.

 **Ren:** Minus ten points to Blake and Velvet.

 **Velvet:** What’s our team name, Ren?

 **Blake:** Say our team name!

 **Ren:** You just lost another ten points.

 **Blake:** Are you too scared to say “cuntbeasts”?

 **Velvet:** I don’t know what Ren has against cunts. I mean, he has four of them on this show right now.

_-audience laughs-_

**Blake:** I don’t think Penny has a vagina.

 **Velvet:** I think she does. If I were making a robot, I’d want to build one I could fuck.

 **Blake:** We could just ask her.

 **Velvet:** Sure. _-to Penny-_ Hey, Penny, do you have, like, a robopussy?

 **Ciel:** I forbid you from asking such questions of Penny.

 **Blake:** Shut your whore mouth, Ciel, and let Penny answer.

 **Penny:** I was specifically programmed not to answer questions about the genitalia I may or may not possess.

 **Velvet:** Oh my gosh, that totally means she has a pussy!

 **Ren:** Does anyone care that we have a game to play?

 **Blake:** _-ignoring Ren-_ She’s someone’s literal fucktoy!

 **Penny:** Blake my friend, I’m no toy. I’m a real girl!

 **Velvet:** Well, someone wants to pretend you are, if you know what I mean.

 **Ren:** Okay. Shut up. Just shut up. We have a game to play!

 **Velvet:** Ooh, Ren’s getting angry!

 **Ren:** Just- _-shakes head, takes a deep breath-_ As I was saying earlier, Come Again is a game where we give each a team a scenario, and they have to act it out. Every so often I’m going to ring the bell _-ding-_ , and they’re going to have to provide a new take on the line they just said.

 **Ciel:** Sounds simple enough. What do you think, Penny?

 **Penny:** I’m improv-ready!

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s find out what the Best Friends’ scenario is.

_-scenario appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Ciel is trying to teach her daughter, Penny, about the birds and the bees. Penny thinks she’s talking about literal birds and bees.” This was submitted by RemNet user @farmboi.

 **Penny:** So this is about reproduction?

 **Ren:** What else would it be about?

 **Penny:** I know a lot about reproduction!

_-Velvet and Blake snicker-_

**Ciel:** I was afraid you’d say that.

 **Ren:** Anyway, let’s put sixty seconds on the clock.

 **Ciel:** Who’s starting?

 **Ren:** Why don’t you go first? Alright, sixty seconds, and begin.

 **Ciel:** Penny, my dear, it is time for me to teach you about the birds and the bees.

 **Penny:** Yes, and what else will you teach me about?

 **Ciel:** Just the birds and the bees.

_-ding-_

**Ciel:** The birds, the bees, and the honey.

_-ding-_

**Ciel:** I’ll also be teaching you about matters of sexuality.

 **Penny:** Yes, and I’m excited for your lessons. I was worried you were talking about literal birds and bees. But of course I understand how metaphors work. _-winks-_

 **Ciel:** Let us begin with puberty.

 **Penny:** Yes, and will you be teaching me about pubic hair growth?

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and will you be teaching me about how the lengthening of the vocal cords leads to a deepening of the voice?

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and will you be teaching me about hormonal changes, such as the increased production of testosterone in males and estrogen – specifically estradiol – in females?

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and will you be teaching me about female breast development, from thelarche to the areolas becoming continuous with the breast contour?

 **Ciel:** I will… um… certainly teach… teach you those things.

 **Penny:** Yes, and I’m glad you are!

 **Ciel:** I’m not sure how to respond.

 **Velvet:** _-in a mocking robot voice-_ Does. Not. Compute. Beep boop.

_-Blake and Velvet giggle-_

**Ciel:** Usually Faunus aren’t so impertinent, but get two of them together, and all of a sudden they’re a menace.

 **Velvet:** Hey, that’s racist!

 **Blake:** Hate crime!

 **Velvet:** Cunt!

 **Ciel:** Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

 **Ren:** Damn it, you’re supposed to be playing a game!

 **Blake:** Was that another dig at the Faunus, Ciel?

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ciel:** It’s an expression, you oversensitive clod.

 **Velvet:** Robots shouldn’t disobey their sapient masters, Ciel. _-in a mocking robot voice-_ Beep boop.

 **Ciel:** I’ve had quite enough of your shenanigans, Blake and Velvet.

 **Blake:** These aren’t shenanigans. We’re just tired of being pushed around.

 **Velvet:** Yeah, how would you feel if you had to deal with racism every day?

 **Blake:** The whole world sees us as cuntbeasts, so we said, “fuck it, if they say we’re cuntbeasts, then we’re going to _be_ cuntbeasts.”

 **Velvet:** The only effective way to campaign for equality is to shove injustices in everybody’s face.

 **Blake:** Plus this show sucks and I want to get it cancelled.

 **Ren:** Are you girls done?

 **Blake:** Eat a dick, Ren.

 **Ren:** I think I liked you better when you were apathetic, Blake. Now you’re just mean.

 **Velvet:** Women don’t exist for your enjoyment, Ren!

 **Nora:** _-from the audience-_ Some of them do!

 **Blake:** _-ignoring Nora-_ Yeah, you misogynist prick!

 **Penny:** While this back-and-forth is fascinating, perhaps we should continue with the show.

 **Ren:** Thank you, Penny.

 **Penny:** Any time, Ren my friend.

 **Ren:** So we just had Penny and Ciel give their answer, and it was… something.

 **Penny:** I’m very educated, Ren.

 **Velvet:** I think you’ve had more sex than Ciel.

 **Ciel:** My sex life is none of your business.

 **Ren:** What does puberty have to do with sex?

 **Velvet:** Well you wouldn’t have sex with someone prepubescent, would you, Ren?

 **Blake:** Yeah, that would make you a pedophile.

 **Velvet:** Or just a cunt.

 **Blake:** Yeah, that too.

 **Ren:** I thought you said _you_ were cu- _-catches himself-_ c-words.

 **Blake:** Yeah, we’re cunts. But we’re the good kind of cunts. We’re not your common cunts.

 **Velvet:** Hashtag NYCC.

 **Blake:** In fact, we’re changing our team name to “Not Your Common Cunts.”

 **Ren:** You can’t change your team name midway through the game.

 **Blake:** Why not?

 **Ren:** Because I said so.

 **Velvet:** Yatsuhashi’s my buddy. He’ll do it for us. _-shouts to the booth-_ Hey Yatsu, can you change our team name?

 **Yatsuhashi:** _-from the booth-_ Sorry, no can do. Ren says no, and Ren’s the boss.

 **Ren:** What did I tell you?

 **Blake:** You could just let him change our name. Instead you’re choosing to be racist.

 **Ren:** How am I being racist?

 **Blake:** The mere fact that you have to ask that tells me just how racist you are.

 **Velvet:** _-to Blake-_ Should we leave the set? I mean, what’s Ren going to do if we just leave?

 **Ren:** I’ll tell Professor Ozpin, and he’ll expel you.

 **Blake:** You wouldn’t dare.

 **Ren:** Do you really want to find out?

_-Blake slumps in her chair-_

**Ciel:** Discipline. It works.

 **Velvet:** Nobody asked you, Ciel.

 **Ciel:** Isn’t there a carrot you should be munching on right now?

 **Blake:** Isn’t there a dick you should be choking on right now?

 **Ciel:** Am I a virgin or a whore? Make up your mind!

 **Blake:** You’re a cunt. Simple as that.

 **Velvet:** But the bad kind.

 **Penny:** I think it would be a capital idea if we could move on to the second round of the game now.

 **Ren:** _-relieved-_ Thank you, Penny. Blake and Velvet, let’s find out what your scenario is.

 **Blake:** Say our God damn team name, Ren!

_-scenario appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Blake is busy dancing in her underwear to the latest Achieve Men single when her roommate Velvet enters their apartment and catches her in the act.” And this was submitted by RemNet user @dewgayl.

 **Velvet:** Dew Gayl, you said? _-blushes-_

 **Ren:** That’s right.

 **Velvet:** Do you think she’s watching this stream? _-subconsciously smooths her hair with her hand-_

 **Ren:** It’s the only thing that can be broadcast since the CCTs went down, so yeah.

 **Velvet:** Oh, in that case… _-unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse to reveal cleavage-_

 **Blake:** Ren, do you really think I’m the kind of person who would dance around in my underwear?

 **Penny:** It does seem like more of a Yang thing.

 **Ren:** I don’t even know you anymore, Blake. You used to be so quiet and soft-spoken. Now you’re just an asshole.

 **Blake:** I’m not an asshole; I’m a cunt.

 **Ren:** I thought I was the cunt.

 **Blake:** You can’t say that word! That’s our word!

 **Velvet:** Misogynist!

 **Ren:** _-rubs eyes in frustration-_ Just do your scenario, alright?

 **Blake:** Fine. Whatever.

 **Ren:** _-sighs-_ Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Blake, and go!

 **Blake:** _-dances half-heartedly in her chair-_ Wow, I’m dancing to some crappy song by the Achieve Men. I don’t know why Yang likes this garbage, but I’m dancing anyway.

 **Velvet:** _-mimes opening door-_ Blake, I’m home! How’s it- Holy crap, you’re in your underwear dancing to the Achieve Men!

 **Blake:** I can’t believe you caught me doing what the scenario told me to do.

 **Ren:** Take this seriously, please.

 **Blake:** Shut _up_ , Ren.

 **Velvet:** This is a new side of you, Blake. I like it.

_-ding-_

**Velvet:** This is a new side of you, Blake. I don’t like it.

_-ding-_

**Velvet:** This is a new side of you, Blake. I don’t know how I feel about it, but it’s kinda sexy.

 **Blake:** Really?

 **Velvet:** Yeah, it reminds me of my sexy friend Dew, who should really give me a call.

 **Ciel:** _-under her breath-_ What a useless lesbian.

 **Blake:** Okay cool. Now I’m going to go back to pretending to care about this shitshow.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** Oh fuck you, Ren. I’m going to play this game however I want.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** Go to hell, Ren.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** Choke on a dick and die, Ren.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** Go gargle Sun’s hairy monkey balls, Ren.

 **Penny:** How do you know the hairiness of Sun’s scrotum, Blake my friend?

_-ding-_

**Blake:** I wish the Grimm that killed your parents had killed you too.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** I’d rather lick the sweat off Salem’s taint than spend another fucking minute on your show, Ren.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** I hope Tyrian, Watts, and Hazel take turns ramming their dicks up your ass while Cinder shoves her foot in your dumb fucking mouth.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ciel:** Well…

_-audience sits in stunned silence-_

**Ren:** _-takes a long pause, followed by a deep breath-_ Points for the round go to Super Happy Best Friends. Minus 1000 points to Blake and Velvet.

 **Velvet:** I could have predicted that.

 **Blake:** _-shrugs-_ Worth it.

 **Penny:** Do you want to hear something fascinating?

 **Blake:** No.

 **Penny:** _-ignoring Blake-_ It’s interesting that Blake exhibits similar behaviour to Sun when he’s drunk, despite not having ingested any alcohol. I wonder why that is.

 **Blake:** Simple. This show is a waste of time. I’d rather read a book or hang out with Ruby and Yang.

 **Penny:** And Weiss too?

 **Blake:** No, Weiss is a bitch.

 **Sun:** _-from the audience-_ I just want to clarify that I didn’t tell Blake to act like this.

_-Blake flips the bird at Sun-_

**Ren:** Alright, I have an ad read to do. Someone ask me about my hair.

 **Penny:** Ren my friend, I would like to inquire about your hair.

 **Ren:** How come? Because you admire its lustre and luxuriousness?

 **Penny:** No, because you asked me to ask you about it.

 **Ren:** _-facepalms-_ In any case, if you want to have hair that people will ask _you_ about, then you should use Samurai Shampoo. _-pulls out scroll and reads-_ Samurai Shampoo is the number-one haircare product for men in Vale, Vacuo, and Mistral, and its popularity is only growing. If you’re a Huntsman, then you know how dirty your hair can get with you’re out in the wild slaying Grimm. Well now you don't have to compromise between doing your duty and looking great; Samurai Shampoo is perfect for taking on the go. And right now, if you go to www.samuraishampoo.rem and enter offer code “ONTHESPOT,” all caps, no spaces, then they’ll send you a coupon for 20% off your next purchase of any Samurai-branded hair product. That includes conditioner and hair wax. So don’t delay, head to www.samuraishampoo.rem, get your coupon, and take your first step towards amazing-looking hair. _-flips hair, puts away scroll-_

 **Blake:** Is Samurai Shampoo really just for men?

 **Ren:** There’s no law stopping you from using it, Blake, if you so choose.

 **Blake:** This is some sexist bullshit. Why would you get a sponsor for a men’s product on an episode with four female contestants?

 **Ren:** Our audience is 87% male, Blake.

 **Velvet:** That seems fake.

 **Ren:** No, it’s true. It used to be roughly fifty-fifty, but we’ve really courted the obsessed-with-MILFs demographic ever since we announced we’d have Professor Goodwitch on.

 **Ciel:** I do not believe that any of us would qualify as a mother I’d like to… you know…

 **Ren:** I think they tuned in to see the Professor, but they ended up genuinely liking the show.

 **Velvet:** Come for the MILFs, stay for the improv?

 **Ren:** Something like that. Anyway, let’s find out what points are.

_-score appears on screen-_

**Ren:** That’s 30 points for Ciel and Penny, and minus 1020 points for Blake and Velvet. Not a close game at all.

 **Blake:** I blame your anti-Faunus views.

 **Ren:** _-ignoring Blake-_ Let’s move on to our next game, Impromptu Pitch.

_-“Impromptu Pitch” appears on screen-_

**Blake:** Don’t ignore me, Ren.

 **Ren:** _-continuing to ignore Blake-_ Impromptu Pitch is a game where I will give each team a prompt with a person, place, and genre. Your job is to pitch a movie based on the prompt, speaking one at a time. Listen for the bell to switch between teammates. Sound good?

 **Blake:** No.

 **Ren:** _-continuing to ignore Blake-_ No objections, then? Alright, let’s-

 **Velvet:** _-interrupting-_ I have an objection. Stop ignoring Blake!

 **Ren:** If I don’t ignore her, then the show will never progress.

 **Blake:** You sound like the government of Atlas right now.

 **Ciel:** I don’t think that’s a fair assessment of my kingdom’s stance on Faunus rights.

_-Blake glares at Ciel-_

**Penny:** Ren my friend, I’m eager to play the game. Can we play the game?

 **Ren:** Sure, let’s find out what Blake and Velvet’s prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Professor Port, Beacon Academy, teen sex comedy.” Submitted by @BartyTheO.

 **Blake:** I don’t want to think about Professor Port having sex.

 **Ciel:** None of us do.

 **Ren:** Alright, 60 seconds on the clock, starting with Velvet, and go!

 **Velvet:** Professor Port wakes up one morning in the body of Jaune Arc, and since he’s now a teenage boy, he’s extremely horny.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** But he’s also a virgin.

 **Jaune:** _-from the audience-_ Not as of two weeks ago!

 **Blake:** I repeat: he’s a virgin, with a sad, little dick.

_-ding-_

**Velvet:** He wants to lose his virginity before he graduates from Beacon. Otherwise, a Boarbatusk will ambush him in his sleep and bite his dick off.

_-ding-_

**Blake:** I like the way you think, Velvet.

 **Velvet:** Thank you!

 **Blake:** Anyway, Port-Jaune tries to get into Weiss’s panties, but Jaune doesn’t have enough money to pay for her services.

 **Weiss:** _-from the audience-_ Hey!

 **Sage:** _-to Weiss-_ It’s a compliment! She’s saying you’re an expensive whore.

_-ding-_

**Velvet:** So instead he bangs a very willing Pyrrha, but as they’re fucking, he transforms back into Professor Port’s fat, ugly body.

 **Blake:** And as he transforms, Jaune’s toothpick dick expands to massive proportions. In fact, it becomes so big that it tears Pyrrha’s cunt right down the seam and turns it into a vaganus.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Shitting Dust, how is that a sex comedy?

 **Velvet:** _-shrugs-_ I thought it was pretty funny.

_-Pyrrha strides onstage, looking angry-_

**Penny:** Uh oh.

 **Ren:** You might have gone too far this time.

 **Pyrrha:** Excuse me, I’d just like to say that Jaune’s penis is perfectly adequately proportioned, and I don’t appreciate the insinuations to the contrary.

_-Jaune facepalms-_

**Velvet:** That’s it? You’re not mad about the whole “vaganus” thing?

 **Pyrrha:** Oh goodness no. “Cutting the gap” is one of my numerous fantasies.

 **Blake:** I think I liked it better when you were sexually repressed.

 **Pyrrha:** In any case, Jaune’s penis is just fine as it is. I want you all to know that.

 **Jaune:** _-from the audience, whining-_ Pyrrha! You’re embarrassing me!

 **Pyrrha:** Nonsense, Jaune. You should take pride in your masculinity.

 **Jaune:** _-from the audience-_ In front of everyone?

 **Pyrrha:** Of course. Everyone should be aware of your amazing capacity for pleasuring me.

_-Jaune buries his head in his hands-_

**Pyrrha:** Well then, back to the show. _-returns to booth-_

 **Ren:** Alright, I’m not quite sure what just happened, but let’s move past it. Ciel and Penny, let’s find out what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Jacques Schnee, a Dust refinery, documentary exposé.” Submitted by @blakebelladonna. _-pause-_ Wait, what? We can’t have contestants submitting prompts. _-calls to the booth-_ Pyrrha, did you let this happen?

 **Pyrrha:** _-from the booth-_ I’m sorry!

_-Blake gives a small, smug smile-_

**Ren:** _-facepalms, mutters under his breath-_ I swear to Dust…

 **Velvet:** Pyrrha’s been really scatterbrained ever since she and Jaune started sleeping together.

 **Ciel:** And extremely forward.

 **Ren:** Tell me about it. _-regains composure-_ Alright, Team Best Friends, Jacques Schnee at a Dust refinery in a documentary exposé.

 **Penny:** I must admit, Ren my friend, I’m a little disappointed that we’re using a documentary genre.

 **Ren:** How come?

 **Penny:** I wanted the opportunity to flex my creative muscle. _-flashes a dazzling smile-_

 **Blake:** What “creative muscle”? There isn’t a single original thought in your head. It was all programmed into the mess of chips and wires you call a brain.

 **Penny:** On the contrary, Blake my friend. Artificial intelligence learns from its environment and adapts accordingly.

 **Velvet:** Is that how your AI works too, Ciel?

 **Ciel:** I am not a robot!

 **Velvet:** I’m still not convinced.

 **Ren:** Robot or not, we have a game to play. Sixty seconds on the clock, starting with Ciel, and go!

 **Ciel:** Jacques Schnee. Status: rich CEO. Ruthless, ambitious. Wants to win at any cost.

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and that is a wonderful summary of our documentary, Ciel my friend. But let us begin at the beginning, because that is where things are supposed to begin. The documentary opens with an overhead shot of Atlas, captured with a TX-636 Atlesian military camera drone.

_-ding-_

**Ciel:** The drone is lowered precisely 49.6 metres so that it is hovering at an altitude appropriate for entering the Schnee Dust refinery through the loading bay. The loading bay doors are opened, and the drone flies inside, past fourteen neatly arranged rectangular stacks of Dust crates.

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and in fact the entire documentary is shot using the drone in a single continuous take.

 **Ciel:** What? That’s not possible!

 **Penny:** Of course it’s possible, Ciel! Anything is possible if you just believe in yourself! That’s what my friend Ruby Rose taught me.

 **Ciel:** I believe in myself. I just don’t believe in the drone.

 **Ren:** Ladies, play the game as intended, please.

 **Penny:** Yes Ren, of course, my apologies. I’m done talking now. Please ring the bell to pass my turn to Ciel.

_-Ren sighs and rings the bell-_

**Ciel:** Anyway, the drone crashes, because its battery life ranges between 40 and 50 minutes, with an average of 47 minutes and 22 seconds, and all the footage is lost in the impact, so there is no documentary.

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Yes, and we’re done.

 **Ren:** You still have ten seconds left!

 **Penny:** But there is no documentary, Ren. Weren’t you listening to our pitch?

_-ding ding ding-_

**Velvet:** If there’s no documentary, then what exactly are you pitching?

 **Ciel:** A mangled military drone, I assume.

 **Blake:** _-scoffs-_ Typical Atlesians. Can’t resist getting their dicks hard talking about military bullshit.

 **Ciel:** The Atlesian military is a proud and noble organization, Blake.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ Yeah, and I’m the queen of Mistral.

 **Penny:** Ooh, was that sarcasm? I’m not certain; my sarcasm detector might need to be recalibrated.

_-Blake facepalms-_

**Ren:** Anyway, I must assign a winner for this round. I think points go to Blake and Velvet by default, since the two of you _-gestures to Penny and Ciel-_ didn’t actually pitch a film.

_-audience claps politely-_

**Blake:** Thanks for the points, Ren. What’s our team name?

 **Ren:** I’m not saying it.

 **Blake:** We’re the Cuntbeasts, God damn it!

 **Ren:** I’m not allowed to say either of those words!

 **Velvet:** We think you’re just embarrassed of your sexism and Faunophobia.

 **Blake:** I’m so glad we’re wearing these t-shirts, Velvet.

 **Ren:** We’re going to need to blur out your shirts in post, you know that?

_-Yatsuhashi shakes his head from the booth-_

**Ren:** Apparently we can’t blur them out. _-mutters under his breath-_ I am _definitely_ getting expelled. _-aloud-_ Let’s see what the scores are.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** Thirty points for Team Super Happy Best Friends heart emoji, negative 990 for Team Slurslur. That means you two _-gestures to Blake and Velvet-_ are doing the Redemption Challenge.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ What a surprise.

 **Velvet:** Hold up. “Slurslur”? Is that how you think of us? Just as slurs?

 **Blake:** Way to erase our identities, Ren.

 **Velvet:** This feels like a hate crime. What do you think, Blake?

 **Blake:** Definitely a hate crime.

 **Ren:** I can’t win, can I?

 **Blake:** You’ve been winning for centuries, het scum.

 **Ren:** Alright Blake, I’ll tell you what. I’ll give your team 1020 points if you succeed at this Redemption Challenge. That’ll put you in a tie with Ciel and Penny. Does that sound good?

 **Blake:** _-folds arms-_ Sounds heteronormative.

 **Velvet:** How?

 **Blake:** Whose side are you on?

 **Velvet:** Um, right. Yes, very heteronormative. _-folds arms-_

 **Ren:** Whatever, just bring out the Redemption Challenge.

_-Yatsuhashi walks onstage carrying two tray tables. Pyrrha follows, levitating two gigantic metal plates piled high with raw vegetables. They place a plate and tray table in front of each of Blake and Velvet-_

**Ren:** This challenge is fairly simple. All you have to do is eat all the vegetables on the plate.

_-Velvet’s eyes light up with joy. Yatsuhashi and Pyrrha leave the stage-_

**Blake:** How much time do we have?

 **Ren:** Let’s say… two minutes. 120 seconds.

 **Blake:** Can I get fish sauce or something for these vegetables?

 **Ren:** No.

 **Blake:** But I’m a carnivore. This is Faunus abuse, Ren!

 **Velvet:** _-her mouth watering-_ Looks sooooooo good.

 **Ren:** Alright, let’s start the timer, and go!

_-Velvet immediately stuffs half her pile into her mouth. She barely chews before swallowing-_

**Ciel:** This is extremely upsetting to watch.

 **Velvet:** Oh my God, thank you Ren, I love you. _-stuffs the rest of the veggies in her mouth-_

 **Blake:** _-takes a tiny nibble of a lettuce leaf, immediately spits it out, and begins coughing-_ This is _poison_ , Ren. Sheer poison!

 **Ren:** It’s good for you!

 **Blake:** Eat shit and die.

 **Ren:** You have 90 seconds left.

 **Penny:** You can do it, Blake my friend!

 **Ciel:** Why are you cheering them on?

 **Penny:** I want to see all my friends succeed!

 **Blake:** _-makes another attempt at eating a piece of lettuce before coughing it up-_ I can’t do it. I forfeit.

 **Velvet:** _-eyes glowing red-_ Oh no you don’t, you cunt! _-grabs half of Blake’s pile of vegetables and shoves it in Blake’s mouth-_ Eat it, bitch!

_-Blake’s eyes water-_

**Velvet:** _-shoves her hand in Blake’s mouth to push the food down-_ Now swallow!

_-Blake swallows-_

**Velvet:** Good, and don’t you _dare_ vomit up that precious gift.

 **Blake:** _-coughing and sputtering-_ I hate you, Velvet! I hate all of you! Burn in hell!

 **Velvet:** It’s not over yet, you cat-eared bag of shit! _-takes the rest of Blake’s vegetables and shoves them down Blake’s throat-_

 **Blake:** _-swallows most of what’s in her throat, speaks with her mouth half-full of food-_ I hope Cardin chokes you to death with your bunny ears while he’s raping you in the ass!

_-Ren, Penny, and Ciel look on in shock-_

**Velvet:** _-slaps Blake-_ Swallow the rest now or I’ll take a dump on your face!

 **Blake:** _-swallows, then collapses on the floor sobbing-_ Kill me. Just fucking kill me.

 **Ren:** Alright, stop the clock! _-takes a deep breath-_ Looks like you two won the Redemption Challenge.

 **Velvet:** Damn right we did. _-eyes return to normal-_

 **Blake:** _-still on the floor-_ I’m dead.

 **Ren:** You’re tied at thirty points now. Good job. Are you happy now, Blake?

_-Blake groans but doesn’t get  up-_

**Penny:** Velvet my friend, this is a side of you I’m not used to seeing.

 **Velvet:** _-shrugs-_ I contain multitudes.

 **Penny:** Alright, I will set my internal computer to recategorize you from “Friendly Bunny” to “Psycho Rabbit.” _-taps her temple-_

 **Ren:** Blake, are you alright there?

 **Blake:** _-still on the floor-_ Fuck you, Ren.

 **Ciel:** That means she’s fine.

 **Ren:** In that case, let’s move on to our third and final game, Sync About It.

_-“Sync About It” appears on screen. While it’s on screen, Blake returns to her chair-_

**Ren:** Sync About It is a game where each team has to answer a prompt going back and forth between teammates, one word at a time. Every so often, I will ring the bell to allow the opposing team to interject with a word to throw the answering team off. Points go to whichever answer I prefer. Does that make sense to everyone?

 **Penny:** Your instructions were sensational, Ren!

 **Ren:** I’m glad at least one person here appreciates me.

 **Velvet:** I’m sure Ciel would appreciate you too if she were programmed to.

 **Ciel:** For Dust’s sake, I’m not a robot!

 **Blake:** Sure, keep telling yourself that.

 **Ren:** Okay, let’s see what Team Super Happy Best Friends heart emoji’s prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “How to hide the fact that you’re a robot.” This was submitted by an anonymous RemNet user.

 **Penny:** Ooh, I have experience with this!

 **Velvet:** So does Ciel.

 **Ciel:** I will not dignify your mindless insults with a response.

 **Ren:** We have to keep moving. Let’s put sixty seconds on the clock, and we’ll start with Penny.

 **Penny:** _-taps her temple-_ Reparametrizing for maximum improvisational efficiency.

 **Ren:** And go!

_-ding-_

**Penny:** Begin.

 **Ciel:** By.

 **Penny:** Hiding.

 **Ciel:** Your.

 **Penny:** Searching lexicon for optimal word choice… Calculating… Calculating… Battery!

 **Ciel:** Just blurt the first word that comes to mind.

 **Penny:** But that would be suboptimal.

 **Ciel:** Wasting time is suboptimal! Then!

 **Penny:** Then what?

 **Ciel:** “Then” is my word!

 **Penny:** Oh right. You.

 **Ciel:** Hide.

 **Penny:** Your.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Blake:** Cunt.

 **Ciel:** How rude!

 **Ren:** You have to roll with it, Ciel.

 **Ciel:** Fine. Because.

 **Penny:** That.

 **Ciel:** Is.

 **Penny:** What.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Velvet:** Cunts!

 **Ciel:** They said it again!

 **Blake:** We’re just going to keep saying “cunt,” so you’d better get used to it.

 **Ciel:** _-throws up her arms in frustration-_ Are.

 **Penny:** Beginning new sentence… Recalibrating… Next.

 **Ciel:** You.

 **Penny:** Disable.

 **Ciel:** Your.

 **Penny:** GF-31 Atlesian Flux Capacitor.

 **Ren:** One word, Penny!

 **Penny:** Right you are, Ren. My apologies. GF-31.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Blake:** Cunt!

_-ding ding ding-_

**Ren:** Well that was certainly something.

 **Ciel:** _-pointing a finger accusingly at Blake and Velvet-_ You two are ruining the show!

 **Blake:** That’s my goal.

 **Velvet:** I don’t care either way.

 **Ciel:** Do you even care about the integrity of improvisation?

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ Yeah, we trip over our words and make vagina jokes. Real integrity on display there.

 **Penny:** Whatever the case, I’m certainly enjoying myself.

 **Ciel:** You’re a robot; you could enjoy watching a ball bouncing up and down for an hour.

 **Penny:** _-aghast-_ Ciel my friend, that was very hurtful.

 **Velvet:** Yeah, you shouldn’t lash out at your own teammate.

 **Ciel:** You called Blake a “cat-eared bag of” expletive.

 **Blake:** Wow, you can’t even say “shit.”

 **Ciel:** I can. I choose not to.

 **Blake:** The only reason you wouldn’t say it is if you were programmed not to say certain words, like a robot.

 **Ciel:** I am not a robot!

 **Velvet:** Sure, keep telling yourself that.

 **Ciel:** You know, this is simply the cycle of bullying. Cardin tormented you, so you take out your emotional pain on me.

 **Penny:** I surmise that Cardin was beaten by his father.

 **Blake:** That rich, privileged motherfucker deserved it.

 **Velvet:** And I don’t have any “emotional pain.” I’m not some walking cliché. Get with the program, Ciel.

 **Ren:** Okay, let’s read their answer back.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** _-reads-_ “Begin by hiding your battery. Then you hide your” um, c-word.

 **Blake:** Say it. Say the damn word!

 **Ren:** No. “Because that is what” c-words “are. Next you disable your GF-31” c-word.

 **Velvet:** Wow, that _sucked_.

 **Penny:** It was indeed not up to my standards. Perhaps if you had let me use my lexicon to its fullest capacity, Ciel, I could have selected vocabulary that would have expanded the possibilities for future responses.

 **Ciel:** _-on the verge of tears-_ I’m trying my best here.

 **Blake:** You definitely don’t have the processing power to rescue this show.

 **Velvet:** Nobody does.

 **Ren:** I would appreciate it if you would stop insulting my show.

 **Blake:** That’s never going to happen.

 **Ren:** _-shakes head-_ Fine, let’s just see what your prompt is.

_-prompt appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “How to restrict Faunus rights.” Submitted by another anonymous RemNet user.

 **Blake:** Are you fucking kidding me?

 **Velvet:** I’m starting to think these anonymous RemNet users are just you, Ren.

 **Penny:** RemNet… or _Ren_ Net? That was a pun!

 **Yang:** _-from the audience-_ Nice!

_-everyone else facepalms-_

**Blake:** I will not stand for this Faunophobic aggression. I refuse to play this game. _-crosses arms-_

 **Ren:** If you don’t play the game, I’ll make you appear on every subsequent episode of this show.

 **Blake:** Not if I get it cancelled first!

 **Ren:** If Ozpin were here, he’d tell you you were _-puts thumb and forefinger together-_ _this close_ to expulsion.

 **Blake:** _-sighs, lets arms fall by her sides in defeat-_ I fucking hate you.

 **Ren:** Great, let’s put sixty seconds on the clock.

 **Velvet:** Who goes first?

 **Ren:** You can go first, Velvet. Alright, sixty seconds on the clock, and begin!

_-ding-_

**Velvet:** Fuck.

 **Blake:** You.

 **Velvet:** Ren.

 **Blake:** For.

 **Velvet:** Making.

 **Blake:** Us.

 **Velvet:** Answer.

 **Blake:** This.

 **Velvet:** Prompt.

 **Blake:** You’re.

 **Velvet:** A.

 **Blake:** Faunophobic.

 **Velvet:** Pile.

 **Blake:** Of.

 **Velvet:** Flaming.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Penny:** Rainbows!

 **Blake:** And.

 **Velvet:** Shit.

 **Blake:** I.

 **Velvet:** Hope.

 **Blake:** You.

 **Velvet:** Get.

 **Blake:** Castrated.

 **Velvet:** In.

 **Blake:** Front.

 **Velvet:** Of.

_-Ren rings bell-_

**Ciel:** An Atlesian military tribunal.

 **Ren:** One word at a time, Ciel!

 **Ciel:** Fine, in that case I’ll use a synonym: God.

 **Blake:** Then.

 **Velvet:** Die.

 **Blake:** By.

 **Velvet:** Being.

 **Blake:** Beaten.

 **Velvet:** By.

 **Blake:** A.

 **Velvet:** Group.

 **Blake:** Of.

 **Velvet:** Angry.

 **Blake:** Faunus.

_-ding ding ding-_

**Velvet:** I’m pretty proud of that. Wouldn’t you say so, Blake?

 **Blake:** Definitely.

 **Ren:** You didn’t answer the question. You just insulted me!

 **Blake:** This show’s continued existence is an insult.

 **Ciel:** There is no decorum whatsoever in Vale.

 **Velvet:** At least in Vale the Faunus don’t constantly have their rights trampled by multi-kingdom corporations.

 **Ciel:** All of our Dust miners are paid fair wages and given ample benefits.

 **Blake:** She didn’t say anything about mining Dust, you clod.

 **Velvet:** I sense a Freudian slip.

 **Ren:** Let’s read that back.

_-answer appears on screen-_

**Ren:** “Fuck you Ren for making us answer this prompt. You’re a Faunophobic pile of flaming rainbows and shit. I hope you get castrated in front of God then die by being beaten by a group of angry Faunus.” Well, that was certainly something.

 **Ciel:** It really was.

 **Ren:** I guess I have to award points now.

 **Blake:** At this point, who cares?

 **Ren:** You know what? Both answers were terrible. Nobody gets any points.

 **Velvet:** You can do that?

 **Ren:** This is my show. I can do what I want. Let’s see the final scores.

_-scores appear on screen-_

**Ren:** Thirty-thirty. Tie game.

 **Blake:** _-sarcastically-_ What a surprise.

 **Penny:** Ren my friend, who wins the Golden Glynda?

 **Ren:** I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You can have it, Penny.

 **Penny:** Huzzah! _-pumps her fist-_ I won the Golden Glynda, Ciel!

 **Ciel:** Indeed you did. Now let’s get out of here before the lesbo halfbreeds start frothing at the mouth.

 **Blake:** What did you just call us?

 **Ciel:** I’m sick and tired of your verbal abuse, Blake. I’m going to back to Atlas! _-storms off the set-_

 **Blake:** What a bitch.

 **Velvet:** Good riddance.

 **Ren:** Well, that’s it for this show. I’d like to thank our sponsor, Samurai Shampoo. I would thank my guests, but they were horrible this week, so thanks to the audience and all the viewers at home. Good night!

 **Blake:** _-runs to Ren’s desk and picks up the microphone-_ FAUNUS RIGHTS!!!

_-DO DO DO DOO DOOOOO…-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I apologize for taking so long to put up this chapter. I kept putting off editing it.
> 
> Secondly, I think it's probably the worst of the chapters I've written, since the central joke becomes pretty stale after a while. That being said, I think I have a much better idea for the next one.


End file.
